A POLITICALLY CORRECT THANKSGIVING TUTORIAL LEADS TO AGREEMENT ON THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT … or … A LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT
By DAN VALENTI
PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary
(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY, DEC. 2, 2013) — Getting caught on a plane with the talkative insurance salesman who wants to tell you all about the nuances of “whole life” — We’ve all been in these captive situations. Today, THE PLANET presents this guest column from Francois Arneau, who enjoyed Thanksgiving as a prisoner to the well-meaning forces of political correctness.
A LETTER TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
BY FRANCOIS ARNEAU
Dear Mr. President,
I just wanted to thank you for your advice on talking about the Affordable Care Act (ACA) this Thanksgiving. It was wise and prudent thinking. First let me tell you a bit about how the day went.
Now color me crazy (no not a racist remark; I haven’t gotten either Al Sharpton’s, Jesse Jackson’s or any of the enlightened crowd’s permission to use the word “color”), but this year like many others I was under the impression Thanksgiving was a day to celebrate with family over a dinner at a communal table after saying a prayer and remembering Thanksgivings past.
It was during this dinner I learned what a lug I have been all my life. The “enlightened ones” at our table let me know all about it.
I got up that morning and had a cup of coffee. Much to my dismay, I was informed that coffee needs to be organic and grown in a way that is sustainable to the environment. It also must be picked in accordance with “fair trade” protocols. All I wanted was a splash of cream with the coffee, I didn’t realize I was supposed to get on the innerweb thingy find the spot the coffee bean was grown on, request a soil sample, run it through the NSA computers for “organicness,” then find who planted the bean and processed it and to interrogate them to see if they had been paid “fairly.”
Silly me. I assumed that the coffee company, wishing to remain in business, didn’t plant their coffee on the shores of Silver Lake, and — since they need people to plant, harvest, and process the coffee — paid them what each considered to be fair. Who knew we needed a delegation from the U.S. to verify all this to standards no one can find or knows about? I asked all the enlightened ones at the table what is the fair payment and working conditions that a company should live up to? No one knew. I hope the coffee planters and pickers are as concerned about my employment conditions as I am supposed to be about theirs.
I then gave my dog a biscuit. You know, the ones in the red box. Well, I’ve since learned that the company that has been around since I was a kid is somehow interested in poisoning dogs, and those damn biscuits were in fact the cause of all of the dog deaths in the U.S., except those that are performed at shelters that do not have a no-kill policy. Funny how the “enlightened crowd” will picket and boycott an animal shelter that doesn’t have a no-kill policy but demands we have an abortion clinic to act as a form of convenient, retroactive birth control. Please help me with that one at a future time.
I learned it’s a kin to genocide to feed the dog those things in the red box. Thank God the enlightened crowd knows of a company that sells organic dog biscuits at $4.99 apiece.
It’s amazing: I learned all this about coffee and dog biscuits before 6 a.m.!
It’s now 7:30, and I’m so unenlightened I pour myself a bowl of Cheerios. Gosh. I’m putting that crap in my mouth, and all these years I thought, “Hey, these taste good.” Now the enlightened crowd is telling me the Wizard of Oz has a TV show, and I should be starting my day with 342 pills, 56 potions, warm water, and an herbal tea. Yup, solid food is evidently bad for you and I have been eating all wrong for the past 50 years.
Little did I know, but now I’m wondering if I’ve eaten all wrong, how the hell do you eat right? Mankind has survived — some would say thrived — by chewing with their teeth and swallowing food since the beginning of time. Now we do that wrong, too? See I’m simple. I want to get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, throw the dog a biscuit, have my Cheerios and get to work.
I never realized how wrong I’ve been my entire life. I’m thankful that I have people, including people in the federal government, to tell me how truly miserable I am. And to think just yesterday, as I was driving home from work out in Buffalo some 350 miles away, eight hours to think, and I was thinking that I have a damn good life. I am employed at a good job. I have a healthy happy daughter who talks to me all the time, a dog who is so happy to see me come home even if it is to poison him further, food on the table, and sometime upcoming to spend with family. Wow, what the hell was I thinking?
Now it’s time to talk turkey, and, yup, you guessed it, the first point made by one of the enlightened crowd is “please tell me no one here is interested in praying to God to bless this meal.” I responded that I was hoping that someone would say at the least a few words that capture what the holiday means to each of us and collectively as a group. Somehow, this request has to be answered with a wager, of all things. A member of the enlightened crowd throws this humdinger at me” “I bet you watch FOX news. Admit it. You do!”
Before I can answer (if it matters, I do watch Fox) another of the enlightened crowd blurts out, “Why are we having turkey we should all have a vegan Thanksgiving?”
This superior woman informed me that it would be “better for everyone’s health if we skipped the bird and ate only vegetables and gave the turkey away.” I questioned her. Why would she would give away the “bad stuff” and keep the vegetables, presumably the “healthy stuff”?
“You’re a Neanderthal,” she screeched. I’m secretly hoping she works for the NSA, because they will keep my interwebby things private unless and until I either run for office or submit paperwork to the IRS to be treated like any other right-wing group.
The next logical question in the onslaught was, “Does anyone know where this turkey came from and was it free range?” Not being a member of the enlightened crowd but somewhat versed in biology, I spit out “From an egg, probably that of a turkey. Another member of the enlightened crowd then mentioned it came from a farm in Great Barrington and cost like $150.00 I still think it came from an egg and am thinking, “Hell, if a turkey costs $150 down in Barrington, I just scored a gold mine cause I have a dozen eggs in the fridge. What do they get for a chicken and is it possible to hatch those suckers?”
After learning of the Turkey’s linage and that it came from a nice home in Barrington as opposed to being raised on the streets somewhere, it was determined OK to eat the turkey if one wanted to but it was still best to be vegan. Another of the enlightened crowd now mentions that for $150, we could feed the entire Herkenny tribe in New Guinea for a year.
I’m sitting there thinking: “Someone ,cut into the damn bird already. Let’s eat.”
Finally someone cuts into the bird and now another of the enlightened crowd mentions something about the gluttony of the holiday and how each of us will consume like three trillion calories more than we need and two billion times the sugar and fat. After getting the dietary lesson and always the one to want to learn, I simply ask if gravy is a condiment or a beverage and please pass it because I plan on having a large glass, hold the ice.
I think this might cut the tension a bit, but boy am I wrong. My remark leads to discussing Uncle Bob’s health issues and his lack of exercise. Uncle Bob is being told he needs to go to yoga class three times a week and should really consider joining a gym for $49.99 a month.
I ask the vegan portion of the enlightened crowd which vegetable is best for your hearing? I get no reply to this question but am asked how that question is relevant. I reply that earlier in the day Uncle Bob, who is 82, told us how he cut, split, and stacked by himself some six cord sof wood for heat this winter. I’m guessing he might be OK without the yoga class and gym membership.
Uncle Bob is now informed by the enlightened crowd that he should not heat his house the way he wants but he should apply for heating assistance, which would also lead to his ability to collect food stamps because the two are somehow linked. Yes, it’s true. If you qualify for one you can get the other. Uncle Bob has never heard of such a thing and asks, “Where do I put my self-respect,” to mention nothing what would he do with his spare time. Once again he is pointed towards yoga class and a gym.
Now Mr. President on to the ACA discussion.
This is where you saved the day. Everyone could agree on this subject. We concluded: Give it up. Stick to something you know about. Might I recommend a round of golf at the Pontoosuc Country Club?
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THE PLANET thanks Arneau for his franco insights.
“We said our goodbyes long ago, never thinking we’d miss each other so. All the memories we had to leave behind. Oh, we must have been out of our minds. — George Jones & Melba Montgomery, “We Must Have Been Out of Our Minds.”
“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”
LOVE TO ALL.