Article

THE PLANET KNOWS WEATHER! ‘SNOWMAGEDDON’ STRICTLY AN UNDER-PERFORMER

BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, SNOWMAGEDDON + 1, MARCH 15, 2017) — Snow? What snow? You call that a storm? THE PLANET calls it a curiosity.

We stand with Edward Estlin Cummings, who once famously asked, “Where are the snows of yesterday?” He did it in French, and his lovely line of poetry became the most French we learned since The Beatles’ “Michelle” on the Rubber Soul album. Our languages, you see, were Latin, Italian, and German.

As for the white stuff, we haven’t had that much fun in at least three winters. THE PLANET enjoyed a full day outdoors with hiking, sliding, and even a bit of football thrown in for good measure. Speaking of measure, what was the count? A foot? Two feet? 20 feet? Does it matter in today’s weird form of modernity-tech, where any snowfall past two inches creates a media storm?

Why grumble about a day that allows a free upper-body workout? Why worry about the “snowflaking” of America, at least here in the Northeast, whose once-hardy citizens took a day like this and went about business as normal? These “weather wooses” make it all the easier for you to look tough by comparison. Why get all shook up, Elvis, that there might be SNOW … IN mid-MARCH … in THE BERKSHIRES!!!!!? Why, when stout businesses such as Henry’s Electric in Lee opened for its customers?

Guv Dons Flannels, So It MUST Have Been Serious, Right?

As we reported yesterday, snow is now politics. Did anyone happen to see Massachusetts Gov. Charley Baker in one of his two (there were at least two; might have been more) press conferences? Baker appeared before the cameras and microphones dressed in his stage clothes: Dockers, a flannel shirt and vest, and a mug evincing “grim determination” to get the Bay State through this crisis.

“We are employing all of our resources to fight this storm [named Stella, by the way],” Baker intoned solemnly. “All our resources.” The phrase looked particularly odd and misplaced when one noticed the 28 people standing behind him, nodding their heads and otherwise doing nothing. They were stage dressing, human props. What the heck were these bums doing? Why didn’t the Guv put shovels in their hands along with marching orders? Who were these layabouts? Probably department heads, whose main task on a day like this is to stand behind the governor at a press conference and nod their heads. Yeah, and NJ Gov. Chris Christie, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo, and other state honchos did the same thing.

THE PLANET‘s wondering which Pittsfield mayor will be the first to call a press conference because we got SNOW … IN mid-MARCH … in THE FRIGGIN’ BERKSHIRES!!!!!? We doubt it will be The Lovely Linda. Mayor Tyer only calls press conferences for important subjects, such as, to be hypothetical, the announcement of Round 2 of the painting of downtown electrical boxes by hopeless amateurs who can’t paint with the help of Berkshire Money Management, a company that worms its way into the inner circle with lots of cash handouts.

Who Needs Power?

Snowmageddon caused some power outages and 6,000 canceled flights, but who needs power? Computers are wireless, meaning the kids can play Grand Theft Auto until their chunks of coal are content and their mushy brains implode. As for the flights, 5,978 of the 6,000 were to take drunken college students from the here of “here” to the there of Daytona Beach, Fla. It’s spring break, don’t you know. Moreover, with all the talk of snow, Snowmageddon failed to live up to the advanced “Sky is Falling” hype. The Bos-Wash corridor saw snow totals well below prediction.

For the most part, people used their heads. They didn’t need Government’s press releases and press conferences to realize that best-ways for Snowmageddon simply involved staying inside and waiting for the plow guy. Of course, there are always a few in every crowd. For example, In Gilford, NH, a 16-year-old girl died when she lost control of the car she obviously didn’t know how to drive. A tragedy? Sure, but it’s also a simple consequence of a dumb action. She gambled and lost. Never play the game if you aren’t prepared to pay the price.

Besides, wasn’t it 70 degrees two weeks ago? You have to admit, we’ve had a mild winter, just as THE PLANET called it. Spring arrives on Monday.

All in all, Snowmageddon was what Christie called an “underperformer.” Like THE PLANET, Christie knows weather.

—————————————————————————-

“Snow is where and how you find it. Me? I find it fun.”Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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36 Responses to “THE PLANET KNOWS WEATHER! ‘SNOWMAGEDDON’ STRICTLY AN UNDER-PERFORMER”

  1. James the Great
    March 14, 2017 at 9:06 pm #

    DV I have greatly enjoyed your take on the weather. Love the writing and the humor.

    • danvalenti
      March 15, 2017 at 5:09 pm #

      Thank you, JTG.

  2. Pat
    March 14, 2017 at 9:11 pm #

    The warm weather we had at the end of February was the February thaw that we have most years when we get a lot of snow. Nothing unusual there. We had more snow this year than last.

    I also spent lots of time outside mostly shoveling, but I didn’t drive anywhere and I didn’t want to even try.

  3. William Munny
    March 14, 2017 at 9:19 pm #

    No Tully no Amuso……who’s next to abandon ship?

  4. heh heh
    March 14, 2017 at 11:48 pm #

    Even the President enjoys shoveling it.

  5. B. clairmont
    March 15, 2017 at 3:58 am #

    Cudos! To the guys who work at DPW, great job on the roads!!! You hard work these past 24 hours is appreciated.

    Barry

    • heh heh
      March 15, 2017 at 6:35 am #

      What on Gods green earth is a Cudo Barry? What country are you from anyway?

      Jesus!

      • 12 Gauge
        March 15, 2017 at 2:24 pm #

        I once had a Plymouth Barry Cudo.

        • danvalenti
          March 15, 2017 at 5:03 pm #

          Nice! Superbly dry, with a hint of nutmeg and spice.

    • Ghidora
      March 15, 2017 at 7:07 am #

      I too give them kudos. Roads were just fine today, both main and side roads that I traveled on.
      Maybe Barry got Cujo the dog and kudos mixed up!

      • Pat
        March 15, 2017 at 9:16 am #

        Thank you DPW for a great job on the roads!!

  6. B. clairmont
    March 15, 2017 at 7:37 am #

    Oops, a misspelling, sue me! LOL.

    My credibility is shot.

    Barry

    • Dave
      March 15, 2017 at 2:14 pm #

      No, everyone misspells a werd every once in a while. Using LOL after the age of 16 is what shot it.

    • danvalenti
      March 15, 2017 at 5:08 pm #

      Itt hapens too us awl, BC!

  7. Thomas More
    March 15, 2017 at 7:48 am #

    Slow news week. Monday a few has been politicians were bashed and we were informed that there would be no storm. Tuesday we were told there was going to be a storm. Today we were told that it wasn’t much of a storm so we were back to bashing politicians for doing what they do best, grabbing an opportunity to jump in front of a camera. Like was posted, “Slow news week.” Does anybody believe the Planet at nearly 70 years spent all day outside? As mild as he found it, it really wasn’t a very nice day.

    • heh heh
      March 15, 2017 at 11:23 am #

      I am waiting for the news that the Donald has just won the Iditarod while only using three dogs and a camel and riding backward.

    • danvalenti
      March 15, 2017 at 5:08 pm #

      Snow is NEVEr slow, TM. By the way, 65 is not “nearly 70.” We have been on Tom Brady’s youth diet since inventing it in 1998, just after we purchased a Vitamix at the Big E. We have the body of a 20 year old (and he was glad to get rid of it). Why do you think no one in city government has taken THE PLANET up on our offer to a boxing match for charity?

  8. Jonathan Melle
    March 15, 2017 at 8:36 am #

    Donald Trump should release his tax returns to Dan Valenti’s The Planet! That is if the Prez has nothing to hide in his financial transactions.

    • Pat
      March 15, 2017 at 9:23 am #

      We just found out that he paid 38 million in taxes for 2005. Remember Hillary saying during the campaign that he never paid any taxes? I think that is a healthy amount of taxes to pay even on 150 million dollars. Rachel Madow was trying so hard to make Trump look bad, but she actually made him look very good by showing him as a good tax paying citizen.

      • Still Wondering
        March 15, 2017 at 10:35 am #

        She turned out to be just a dumb landscaper from Cummington after all.

        • Pat
          March 15, 2017 at 11:53 am #

          Figures that Rachel Madow lives in this area.

          • Still Wondering
            March 15, 2017 at 12:37 pm #

            In spite of having a PhD from Oxford, She worked as a landscaper out in the hilltowns to make ends meet. She temp gigged on a couple of FM radio stations in the Pioneer valley. Her first big break was joining Air America (which went bust as we know).
            I have encountered her more than once at the Creamery Coop. Even though she is very short, she likes to wear lumberjack outfits. (I’m not kidding)

          • danvalenti
            March 15, 2017 at 5:05 pm #

            Rachel flopped again. When we tell you there’s “nothing there,” trust us. There’s nothing there.

          • heh heh
            March 15, 2017 at 12:53 pm #

            What does that mean Pat? She lives in this area and you live in this area.

            And if Donald is so proud of all the taxes he pays why is he hiding the last 12 years of his returns? You would think he would want everybody to know what a “Great American” he is. Why did he say he would release them and then change his mind? You seem to know how his mind works Pat so please tell us.

            Uh huh,… oh really?… I see…well that explains it then.

          • Pat
            March 15, 2017 at 1:33 pm #

            Donald Trump paid 25% of his income toward taxes while Obama only paid 18% and Bernie Sanders only pays 13%.

          • 12 Gauge
            March 15, 2017 at 5:13 pm #

            Nothing there includes the contents of her skull

      • Thomas More
        March 15, 2017 at 12:27 pm #

        It’s Maddow, Pat.

  9. The School Committee
    March 15, 2017 at 1:15 pm #

    The conservative right wing ed reform act ruined public education.And now we have Cruz Ryan Trumpcare.

    • 12 Gauge
      March 15, 2017 at 5:04 pm #

      explain how it ruined education? This should be good.

    • 12 Gauge
      March 15, 2017 at 5:08 pm #

      explain exactly what it is too

  10. Trumped Up
    March 15, 2017 at 6:00 pm #

    We have to find the resources to save the laid off educators. , please come to the aid so not to reduce. These are our neighbors!

  11. Miss Vito
    March 15, 2017 at 6:32 pm #

    Still Wondering above. Stated Raxhel Maddow is very short, she’s almost Six Feet Tall, wondering or wandering?

    • Still Wondering
      March 16, 2017 at 5:32 am #

      Compared to me, she is short. Now try not to base your view of the world on what you see out the mail slot in your front door.

    • danvalenti
      March 16, 2017 at 8:38 am #

      I think she’s 5’11”. Just my size!!

  12. joetaxpayer
    March 15, 2017 at 6:53 pm #

    Trump Virus hits the Planet. Too bad was a good site.

    • danvalenti
      March 16, 2017 at 8:37 am #

      Hang in there with us, JOE THE T. You’re a valuable entity at this address.