Article

A PLANET EXCLUSIVE: WE REVEAL WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CITIZEN’S ACADEMY

BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY JAN. 30, 2019) — In early September, Pittsfield begat another bizzywerk brainchild of government in a welcoming event for the 20 or so people who would make up the Citizen’s Academy — and believe us: We mean “make up,” because the event proved to be pure fiction.

The Academy, with roughly the same dose of reality as Starfleet Academy, was designed to “help community members understand the operations of local government.” Academy members, so the mayor’s office boasted, would “gain understanding of various functions of city government, tour designated locations, and engage in breakout activities,” according to the mayor. They met four times in September. The city kept the agenda under lock and key, but THE PLANET‘s Secret Squadron obtained the schedule. We present it here as another exclusive!

I — Gain Understanding of Various Functions of Local Governments: Academicians witnessed skits showing:

  • A favored contractor submitting a no-bid contract for lucrative city work.
  • A member of government receiving a cash-filled envelope.
  • City councilors pretending to be informed about their packets during a meeting, conveying the impression they had actually studied the material and done their due diligence.
  • Citizens being shut down at the council’s open mic.
  • Peter Marchetti putting his hands under a touchless hand dryer and wondering why it doesn’t blow.
  • Members of the Pittsfield School Committee “servicing” the school department superintendent and business manager.
  • Kathy Yon searching for her lost youth on Bad Hair Day.
  • Employees of the city public works department sleeping behind the Big Red Pothole Machine.
  • A drug deal going bad outside Mission Tapas.
  • A senior citizen mugged by a roving band of teen-age youth.
  • TFB buying all the pastries at Dotties.
  • Shirley Edgerton singing “Can’t Touch This.”
  • Shirley Edgerton winning “The Reverend Al Sharpton Look-Alike Contest.”
  • Shirley Edgerton telling Andrea Harrington that Frederick Douglass was a talk-show host.
  • Andrea Harrington believing Frederick Douglass was a talk-show host.
  • The Beacon cinema conducting body searched of patrons, looking for smuggled Good ‘n Plenty.
  • An editor at The Boring Broadsheet spiking an news story revealing the truth about a local child-porn ring.

The skits, we are told, were well presented by non-equity actors from the Barrington Stage.

II — Tour Designated Locations

First stop for members was the Dumpster Behind Paul Rich. Earl Persip served as tour guide while he brushed his tooth.  Next, it was on to Lach’s Lounge and a sing-a-long with city councilors practicing the Heimlich Maneuver. Then the troubadours ventured to Hill 78 donned in Hazmat gear. There they waved to nearby, fumed-up grammar school kids. Finally, a joint stop along outer West Street to the homes and neighborhoods of those who have large houses on Onota Lake. This gave academy members proof of the high quality of life in the city’s typical homes and enclaves.

III — Engage in Breakout Activities — Academy members:

  • Helped the mayor, school committee, and several councilors turn the pinwheel of a rack upon which a taxpayer had been shackled. They extended the poor bastard’s arms so he can reach deeper in their pockets to pay his tribute.
  • Brainstormed new ways for the city to spend needless money, favor Special Interests, and punish law-abiding taxpayers.
  • Shot up on heroin, crack, and methadone to gain understanding of the fastest growing segment of the city’s declining population.
  • Determined ways the city can invite more drug dealers, group homes, gang members, welfare cheats, and single moms who have had kids by multiple, multiracial fathers to take up residence in Pittsfield.
  • Collectively wrote a song praising the Pittsfield Renaissance. They titled it “Hip, Vibrant, and Dynamic.”

At the end of the academy’s four sessions, each participant received a personalized certificate, after which they were shot twice in the head.

The Pittsfield Police Department, we were told, did not suspect foul play.

———————————————————————————————————-

Perfection needs no refurbishing”  Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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202 Responses to “A PLANET EXCLUSIVE: WE REVEAL WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CITIZEN’S ACADEMY”

  1. Unwanted Carl
    January 31, 2019 at 5:59 am #

    And ruin Frits,wang Wong pats lounge s c Arts cover? Hell no,it’s entertaining. Blame Mike Barnacle, and Go Patriots. Anyone got a de-icer, this lid was stuck on the dumpster this morning?

    • Hung Wang
      January 31, 2019 at 6:08 pm #

      Barnacle make stuff up. He get fired.

  2. Johnny Absurd
    January 31, 2019 at 6:14 am #

    If a person buys a dozen medical brownies, and when he or she gets to the workplace, finds out everybody on the staff has cooties or the clap, or whatever, can this person share or sell his or her medical brownies in an altruistic manner to gain brownie points and hopefully advance her or her career path without violating some law or ordinance?

    Asking for a friend or acquaintance

    • Long Wang
      January 31, 2019 at 8:42 am #

      If Bake Sales are legal shouldn’t Get Baked Sales be too?

  3. The school committee
    January 31, 2019 at 7:10 am #

    According to the Eagle ,real estate taxes up 3 % and state giving almost 4 million extra so we should see a sizable realestate tac cut.Thank you democrats.

    • X-Lachs Lounge
      January 31, 2019 at 11:17 am #

      You must be smokin’ the skunk pot again Mario.

    • Johnny2Shoes
      January 31, 2019 at 2:52 pm #

      Imagine how much more the real estate tax $ would be up if not for all these non profits getting a pass. Way to many of them and I believe they need to pay something into the till. I’m going to start the church of Blunt’s and apply for non profit status.

  4. The school committee
    January 31, 2019 at 7:10 am #

    They put the sanctions on that Trump took off.He does what President Putin wants

  5. Cos
    January 31, 2019 at 7:44 am #

    Putin runs the ountry and trump takes the credit for the stock market and jobs.

  6. Mr. Fritz
    January 31, 2019 at 10:14 am #

    News flash – the Republicans in VIrginia have defeated the Democrats’ infanticide bill.

    • Shakes
      January 31, 2019 at 1:26 pm #

      When was the last time you were pregnant?

  7. Johnny Absurd
    January 31, 2019 at 12:11 pm #

    Putin just admitted that Trump is a Russian robot. Was supposed to have artificial intelligence but that part did not work as some tech got the wiring all mixed up. Now just an oaf in a suit.

  8. u
    January 31, 2019 at 12:36 pm #

    No Wall Monet. And John Kennedy r-LOUISIANA either support the President or just shut up. And check in with the dentist pleeeeeze. Why does the thought of big dig come into my mind with the wall? No Wall. Justy sayer.

    • Johnny Absurd
      January 31, 2019 at 12:43 pm #

      The wall is Trumps baby rattle. Just give it to him and shut him the hell up. So sick of hearing him whine day after day after day. Is that all he ever does is whine?

      • Sojourner Truth
        January 31, 2019 at 1:36 pm #

        Agree. If the wall is ineffective, breached, or otherwise compromised, it will forever be known as Trump’s Folly. Not that he gives a rat’s ass about his legacy.

        • Hung Wang
          January 31, 2019 at 6:11 pm #

          Fat chick and heavey drug bundle no make over wall.

  9. doomiedodger
    January 31, 2019 at 12:41 pm #

    According to the Eagle the city has plenty of cash…everything on the up and up. So why are we borrowing so much freaking money all the time?

    • Art Seller
      January 31, 2019 at 1:18 pm #

      The Gman show last night was dy no mite. He zeroed in on Simonelli and explained the kind of money he has cost the city taxpayers the past 40 years. He says he will ask Simonelli to recuse himself àt Tuesdays CC meeting from any voting on the school department budget. The Gman states accurately that Simonelli has no right voting on any issue pertaining to the school dept because he was and is a Gobsig darling of the highest degree. The Gman doesnt miss a thing. Always looking out for the taxpayer.

      • Johnny Absurd
        January 31, 2019 at 1:22 pm #

        Buts Simonelli is small potatoes compared to some of those school parasites. Principals with assistants with their own assistants with their own aides and helpers and gofers and interns up the gazoo. That is why they are not missed when they take 9 weeks of vacation on top of having the summer off.

        • Art Seller
          January 31, 2019 at 1:41 pm #

          Johnny. Did you see the Gman show last night?? He hit on all the things you just mentioned.

      • Mr. Fritz
        January 31, 2019 at 3:42 pm #

        Art,
        Have you figured out how to operate your flip phone yet?

      • Hung Wang
        January 31, 2019 at 6:12 pm #

        Simple Simon go to Pie Man….hahaha

    • Art Seller
      January 31, 2019 at 1:20 pm #

      Doomie. The answer is smoke and mirrors.

      • Art Seller
        January 31, 2019 at 1:36 pm #

        Lot of ignorance on the board today from regular nut cases regarding Climate Change. The naysayers probably believe the earth is flat and that the sun revolves around the earth. The extreme cold is a direct result of a warming planet but it would be senseless to try to explain it but suffice to say that CC is real Very real. We even heard from one but on this board who claimed that CO2 was not a contributor to climate change. Remember that:: The very intelligent in our population are light years ahead of the rest of us in their thinking and because of these infintentisimal small population of geniuses we live the life of quality we enjoy. That’s something for everyone to think about and especially the naysayers of climate change. Just saeeing

        • Acute Angina
          January 31, 2019 at 2:03 pm #

          Art’s in a cult.

          • Two Cents
            January 31, 2019 at 3:25 pm #

            And he’s the only member!

        • Johnny2Shoes
          January 31, 2019 at 3:04 pm #

          I saw an excellent comment today where the person said,It’s so damn cold outside that the politicians have their hands in their own pockets instead of ours for a change.

        • Johnny2Shoes
          January 31, 2019 at 3:12 pm #

          Shakes,

          With 2 Huge ships the G Man has, he must have had a few woman getting some sun on the deck with nothing on. He looks like the Playboy type.

        • Gigi
          January 31, 2019 at 4:14 pm #

          Quote of the day from Art – “the extreme cold is a direct result of a warming planet but it would be senseless to try to explain it”
          Leftist logic! Splain that one, Art! Here, maybe this article will help you…..

          https://www.breitbart.com/the-media/2019/01/30/nolte-experts-claim-every-kind-of-weather-proves-global-warming-is-fer-real/

        • Hung Wang
          January 31, 2019 at 5:00 pm #

          Gman see gobsig chick naked. He almost go blind. Now he have to wear grasses.

        • Johnny2Shoes
          January 31, 2019 at 6:00 pm #

          The G Man must spend thousands on Carbon Credits to offset his huge carbon footprint? By your own admission he has 2 Cruise Ships, large vehicles, 2 homes with one of them over 5,000 square feet. You fly all over the country and abroad. Tell me you just don’t just preach.

          • Hung Wang
            January 31, 2019 at 6:19 pm #

            He plant tree like Johnny Appleseed

          • Art Seller
            January 31, 2019 at 8:23 pm #

            Johny2 The gman will take your advise and walk to India. Both yachts have giant engines but seldom used . most of the time they use 4 HP engines for trolling. Go by his house all solar panels facing south. All heating and electrical free from sun. Swimming pool also heated by sun in the summer. All other properties 7 all as energy efficient as possible. Heat exchangers diode lighting induction cooking. Your carbon foot print in your home is probably larger than all the gman properties. He is as green as green gets and he is also very green in other catagories. Very very green. By the way. Both of the Gman yachts are named The Helen Charles after his mom and dad. He would give up everything he owns to be with them again for just a single day. The Gman has made a fortune and lost a fortune several times in his life. Ironically he has lived for so long being forced to be frugal that he knows no other way of life. Everything he owns was purchased for pennies on the dollar at very elite auctions. He is more interested in the game of the deal than the deal. His pittsfield yacht has only been in the water once in 8 years. He really doesnt give a shit to be among the rich because he can’t stand them. He is happiest slaughtering fake politicians like the ones here in pittsfield. When he leaves the country on business this is what he misses most. He is thinking about retiring and if he does these phony pricks in this city better start worrying because if you have a Gman putting all of his time and effort into slaughtering phony politicians they better start worrying now. Will he or won’t he run for mayor??? I really dont know but I know one thing if he became mayor the taxpayer would love him. He knows the city is a mess with this mayor and council and so do most taxpayers in this city. He would be a mayor of radical change and he believes that is what most taxpayers are looking for. He is not fearful of runing against any political hack past or present and only hopes that if he does run some one of significant caliber runs also so he can use his debating skills with a worthy opponent. There is no one like that today in city government. Time will tell.

    • Shelly Liver
      January 31, 2019 at 1:48 pm #

      debt drives the dump.

      • Art Seller
        January 31, 2019 at 3:19 pm #

        Scump rebuked by 68 senators. Scump says what we all saw yesterday from the entire intelligence community was fake news. This sob must go he is some kind of an idiot miscreant. The American people have had enough of this moron and those who support him. We are being lied to daily and those that dont see it are bigger morons than scump. Can’t wait for Amy Klobuchar to clean his clock. Scump if not impeached will never win a second term.

        • Shakes
          January 31, 2019 at 4:21 pm #

          Trump graduated from an Ivy League school and dux the waterboy even graduate with a bachelors ? Who is the dummy?

          • Art Seller
            January 31, 2019 at 6:13 pm #

            Trump. Gman would demolish scump on any topic. Even the Gman says that’s not saying much. If not in India at election time the Wiz will dismantle anyone who is foolish enough to run against him for any position he may choose to stand for. ANYBODY. No one has a chance in a debate with the Wiz. He is the creme del a creme in the debate forum. If he runs for any position he hopes that he will have some real competition but he doubts it. No one holding any elected position in government today would be much of match for him but he is praying that some new blood who have smarts come forward so that he can be stimulated and not fall asleep during these so called Gobsig debates. If there are only gobsig backed candidates for him to debate he is going to pulverise them completely. The Gman loves a good fight and everyone in this city knows it. The Gman will make the election into the greatest show on earth. He will start selling tickets to the event soon.

          • Mr. Fritz
            January 31, 2019 at 7:06 pm #

            Interesting comments, Art. From where I’m sitting – you don’t, or should I say “can’t” debate on any topic except water. All you do is throw insults. If you intend to run for office – I suggest you take the class “Debating 101.”
            Exhibit A – your comments, above re: global warming.

        • Trump Derangement Syndrome
          January 31, 2019 at 6:07 pm #

          Art your predictions are as poor as those of Paul Krugman and Al Gore. Not to mention Paul Erlich.

          • Art Seller
            January 31, 2019 at 9:06 pm #

            Fritz and TDS The gman is a master debater and on any topic. These water and sewer projects are going to be citizen killers and the Gman realizes the attention span of the people he is trying to reach. He estimates that less than 20% of the people have any clue as t o what is about to happen here and they probably learned from his TV show ,commentaries and CC meetings. Most of the people in this city are very unsophisticated and I’ll informed. This is how city politicians want them to be but not the gman. You and TDS are probably politician boot lickers and that being the case their is no use in trying to educate you. Watch for your rates and property taxes. They will reflect what you have sown. There is nothing the Gman can do for you

  10. doomiedodger
    January 31, 2019 at 3:26 pm #

    If Trump does not believe his own hand picked intelligence community where is he getting his intelligence from? He says they are wrong. So who is telling different that he believes?
    Seriously, where is getting his good different intelligence?

    • Spagirl
      January 31, 2019 at 5:32 pm #

      They were misquoted and taken out of context according to the deranged Trump. In actuality they were live, and spoke in person. He is such a fool.

      • Art Seller
        January 31, 2019 at 8:54 pm #

        Spa Girl what you just said goes in one ear and out the other of scump desciples. If over 8500 confirmed lies dont faze them then what you just stated they will call fake news. The Scarry part is how many of these miscreants exist in this country. I’m beginning to believe this ass hole could shoot someone in central park and this sump base will give him a pass. Amy Klobuchar will put him in his place if he is not impeached by election time. Scump is trash and trash belongs in the dump not in the peoples house at 16 Penn. Ave.

  11. Gigi
    January 31, 2019 at 4:17 pm #

    Infanticide already on the books in New York state. Awful!

    https://www.breitbart.com/radio/2019/01/30/john-zmirak-cuomo-deserves-excommunication-for-ny-abortion-law/

    • Shakes
      January 31, 2019 at 4:27 pm #

      If it ain’t born it ain’t an infant. Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one.

      • Hung Wang
        January 31, 2019 at 4:45 pm #

        If you no like fat chick you get divorce.

      • Mr. Fritz
        January 31, 2019 at 7:10 pm #

        Life begins at conception.

  12. Wong
    January 31, 2019 at 4:47 pm #

    Abortion very good. It eliminate 60 million people who grow up to be democrat. Sank you.

  13. Merry & Bright
    January 31, 2019 at 4:59 pm #

    So glad Mayor Dynamic & Vibrant gave me a decrease of a few cents in my Real Estate taxes. It will really help me with the City Water bill I received today that was increased by over $30,00 a quarter, and more to follow. She needs to go!!

    • Hung Wang
      January 31, 2019 at 5:45 pm #

      She piss down back and say it rain.

    • Art Seller
      January 31, 2019 at 7:34 pm #

      Merry You ain’t seen nothing yet. That I assure you. Do you know who the only person who might be able to help you??? Take a guess. And no it isn’t that idiot Shakes fritz Gigi Kate Long or acute. Buffoons all

  14. Trump Fellas
    January 31, 2019 at 5:53 pm #

    she and wayfair not what I need. Simmer nelli chief pension grabber,Stoogeon starving not making Nuff retired,cry poverty,wife makes heepum pension.

  15. Hung Wang
    January 31, 2019 at 5:58 pm #

    Why G man no on radio like other bald man in morning?

    • If You Will
      January 31, 2019 at 6:01 pm #

      Good question.

    • Hondurans for Trump
      January 31, 2019 at 6:09 pm #

      G Man no like lick boot.

    • Art Seller
      January 31, 2019 at 7:27 pm #

      Dr. Wang Gman radeo soon. Kleen studio boot licker stanch first. Son best sho radeo like tee vee sho. No booty liquor only chop chop poly tiesh n. Gisman hait bad pooytiesh n. Take 2 whood shad in novamber He Can a bull. Like frash meet

  16. Halo
    January 31, 2019 at 7:52 pm #

    Seller no watchum Gunsmoke at night,Dillon to violent,watchum Rachel kick Scump rump instead,8000 plus confirmed lies. As President and business man, Scump just lie, then cheetum.

    • Art Seller
      January 31, 2019 at 8:32 pm #

      Halo Yes scump very bad squaw tee tee brain!!!!!

      • Art Seller
        January 31, 2019 at 9:47 pm #

        How much longer are we sane individuals going to take the lies this ass hole in the oval office spews every day. The intelligence agencies gave a presentation regarding american security that the entire world saw and all of them refute scumps analysis of the situation. This ass hole is now saying that the Intel reports were fake news. Not a single Intel person has recanted their reports. There are people on this board who day in and day out try to shove lies down our throats that they themselves were brainwashed into believing by fox news and other radical right wing sites. We sane individuals need to unite and when we see someone try to make a lie the truth we must chastise them in the plurality. To continue to let these lies stand unabated can no longer be tolerated. Let’s stop being cowards and collar these liars. We are Americans and scump is a monster and must be removed from office. The first step is to flush out everyone of those more than 8500 confirmed lies and insure that everyone recognizes them as lies. When we see the halfwits on this board who try t o make a mockery 9f our institutions we need to stop them in their tracks. Truth is truth and lies are lies. This fake news and truth isn’t truth and alternate facts are all bull shit from the insane hard right. They are a cancer on our way of life and they must be stopped. Stopntakingnthis crapnfrombthese miscreants. They are wrong on just about everything. I value the truth and I hate liars and the biggest liar on the planet is scump