Article

PITTSFIELD ANNOUNCES MAJOR ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT PROJECT, ‘KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES’

BY DANA VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION FEB. 22-24, 2019) — Through the Secret Squadron, THE PLANET has obtained a copy of a soon-to-be-released press release from the mayor’s office announcing a dramatic new economic development project worth countless millions to the city. Here is the Good News Memo:

———- 000 ———-

DATE

*** MEDIA RELEASE ***

FROM: ROBERTA PAIDHER DUES, Director Administrative Services, Mayor’s Office, 499-9322.

SUBJECT: Major Economic Development Deal Secured

Mayor Linda M. Tired announced today a major new economic development project that will generate millions of dollars for the city of Pittsfield.

Today at city hall, the mayor, Patrick Miaca, and Berkshire Health Systems signed an agreement to add seven new wings to its psychiatric operations. Ground breaking for Jones 4, Jones 5, Jones 6, Jones 7, Jones 8, Jones 9, and Jones 10 will take place tomorrow on the BHS campus. Mr. Miaca will serve as CEO of the new complex, which will be called “Keeping Up with the Joneses.” The mayor cited Mr. Miaca’s stellar record in the health care industry, especially with his business Nucleus, a company that specialized in falsifying medical records.

“Mental illness, drug addiction, and suicide have been rising so fast in the city that Jones 2 and 3 have not been able to handle the traffic,” the mayor said. “Jones 4 thought 10 will satisfy the needs of the market, bring in hundreds of new jobs, and allow for this exciting, growing, vibrant, and dynamic segment of our great city.” The mayor said the new units will feature “advanced treatments” for “clients,” including the infliction of massive head wounds, naked pickleball, and hot pokers under the skin.

Construction is expected to begin next week. Developers Richie Rich Stanley and David Curveball will act as developers. Contractor Perry Peachtree of Peachtree Construction has been “retained” for the work. The units will cost $20 million apiece. Funding for the $140 million project will come from future tax hikes and borrowing. Although taxpayers will be picking up the bill, under city and state economic “enterprise” provision, the Jones work will be designated a “public-private partnership.”

The mayor announced that the projected costs will be expected to come in over budget because of bribes, kick-backs, false work orders, construction re-dos and what the mayor called “union accommodations.”

1Berkshire, the Berkshire Chamber of Commerce, members of the city council, and local business leaders joined the mayor at the announcement. Berkshire Regional Planning Commission head Gnat Charms said demographic projections would justify adding Jones 11 through 25 within five years. 

1Berkshire spokesman Tieless Foulbunk was effusive in his praise.

“This should address all those naysayers who say the city is fast heading into the porcelain commode,” Foulbunk said. “This proves otherwise. The poorly lit streets, trash, pockmarked roads, prostitution, as well as the recent increase in murders, stabbings, muggings, robberies, break-ins, and other sorts of crime have finally paid off. We hope this silences the critics once and for all. We share Mayor Tired’s vision of a new, dynamic, vibrant, forceful, vigorous, compelling, propulsive, piquant, thrilling, passionate, stimulating, enkindled, enspirited, absorbing, riveting, intoxicating, overwhelming, fascinating, and enraptured city.”

#  #  #

The Boring Broadsheet, Pittsfield’s local daily, and iBerserkshire published the announcement directly from the mayor’s press kit. They didn’t change a word. They asked no questions. The only medium that questioned the project was PLANET VALENTI. In response, the mayor ordered PLANET publisher shackled to a chair in the basement of city hall, where she said she and other female staffers would later “personally read to Mr. Valenti all 28 volumes of Nikita Kruschev’s Memoirs.” The mayor said the 24/7 reading would be filmed for a future episode of the Netflix sci-fi series Black Mirror.

After the press conference, participants dined at Hotel On North, where they feasted on hummingbird tongues on toast. The event concluded with a mass murder at Persip Park.

———- ooo ———-

Have a great weekend, everybody.

————————————————————————————————————

“Crazy am I? We’ll see whose crazy”Colin Clive as Dr. Henry Frankenstein in James Whale‘s “Frankenstein” (Universal 1931).

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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56 Responses to “PITTSFIELD ANNOUNCES MAJOR ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT PROJECT, ‘KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES’”

  1. Johnny99
    February 21, 2019 at 8:05 pm #

    What an “amazing” and “collaborative” “investment” for the shity of Pissfield, Dan, did Harrington show up at the murder scene and what does she do if she does? And where was Faraway Farley for the presser? Faraway?

  2. Jonathan Melle
    February 21, 2019 at 9:14 pm #

    Sarcasm! –

    “Blame Linda!” It is all her fault! Linda Tyer’s poor leadership has caused all of Pittsfield’s problems! Because of the current Mayor, Pittsfield has lost thousands of people to population loss. She caused many hundreds of living wage jobs to be lost. Linda Tyer does nothing but raise municipal taxes, increase municipal debts, and give away millions of dollars in tax breaks to wealthy businessmen. Prior to Linda Tyer, Pittsfield politics was a utopia. There was the Jimmy Ruberto renaissance. There was the Dan Bianchi miracle. Then came Linda Tyer, and Pittsfield politics is now unresponsive to the residents and small businesses.

    • Johnny99
      February 22, 2019 at 4:41 am #

      Mr. Melle, stop with the non-sense it’s tiresome. We all know she inherited a mess, but as a WHENER and a Ruberto puppet she did help create It and she sure as heck exasperated the problem wither her tax and spend ways and giveaways – Be Conned, CovantanCash, Tyler Trash, Sewer Scam, crime through the roof, shitty streets with more holes than Jussie Sommets’s story and of course the latest – free home improvements based on where you live, how much you don’t make, courtesy of my tax dollars,
      not yours, because A. You don’t live here, and B. You chose not to work, and let the taxpayers take care of you.

      Thank God Jussie Scammet didn’t commit his crimes here because Harrington would give him the get outta jail free card because he’s got a trifecta – black, gay, and twas a non-violent crime.

      Have a great weekend everybody I’m outta here for a few days
      dont wanna get shot by a stray bullet.

      • LW
        February 22, 2019 at 6:46 am #

        Smollet will get his get out of jail free card. He’ll just pay a fine and walk away. If he were white he’d be charged with a hate crime and would have been fired from Empire in a millisecond.

  3. doomiedodger
    February 22, 2019 at 1:04 am #

    Perhaps the mayor could just designate Pittsfield as a JONES 2 CITY and save the construction costs. Let’s face it, we are almost there.

  4. LW
    February 22, 2019 at 6:27 am #

    One of your best ever, Dan. Welcome to the Soviet Republic of Massachusetts.

  5. The school committee
    February 22, 2019 at 6:30 am #

    Trump family is so use to having uncontested power that he can openly from the highest seat of power in the world announce to all past and parent Americans that America has been sold to the highest bidder and his family was going to tear it down as his supporting members sat in silence.Scary times ahead.

  6. The school committee
    February 22, 2019 at 6:33 am #

    How often does he tell the world that he is a builder.This is what fear has brought us.

  7. Still wondering
    February 22, 2019 at 6:34 am #

    Dan’s humor has as usual, many layers to it. One of then which I would hope at least some locals might catch on to is that Pittsfield is ALREADY packed with group homes, halfway houses and other treatment facilities.
    The fact is, Jonathan could come home and live for free if he wasn’t so scared of Luciforo.

  8. Barbados
    February 22, 2019 at 8:19 am #

    Yes DV one of your best ever!!! This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read!!! Already I’ve shared this three times with friends. Thanks for the laughs.

  9. Mr. Big
    February 22, 2019 at 8:57 am #

    Recently discovered documents indicate that pickle ball was created in 1791 on the common in Pittsfield.

    • Johnny Absurd
      February 22, 2019 at 1:40 pm #

      Impossible. It is categorically impossible that pickle ball was created before the pickle itself. Are you suggesting that cave men ate pickles?? Do a little research before posting such a ridiculous and misleading statement.

      Please post a correction on the timeline in a timely fashion

      Thank you ahead of time.

      • Mr. Big
        February 22, 2019 at 3:10 pm #

        Pickles have been around for thousands of years, dating as far back as 2030 BC when cucumbers from their native India were pickled in the Tigris Valley

        • Johnny Absurd
          February 24, 2019 at 1:32 am #

          Oh. I stand corrected.

  10. The school committee
    February 22, 2019 at 10:17 am #

    Bob Kraft caught using a prostitution ring being investigated for human Trafficing, it’s ok because he’s rich and Trump is rich

  11. Wong
    February 22, 2019 at 11:15 am #

    I guess his balls are deflated now .

    • Rule 27
      February 22, 2019 at 1:33 pm #

      Kraft is a friend of Trump. That’s a crime now.

      • Johnny Absurd
        February 22, 2019 at 1:49 pm #

        I wonder who would know where the prostitutes are in
        Florida. Is this anywhere near Mar-a-Lago? Was her name Kellyanne? Was she wearing a MAGA hat? Did she pee on him?

        Was this a democratic plot to entrap him? Was it a perjury trap? Can Kraft hold his head high when he takes the Patriots to the White House next month?

        Tune in to Fox news tonight for the real story on how Mueller’s witch hunt caught a guy dressed up like Bob Kraft and made a fake news story about it.

        • Hung Wang
          February 22, 2019 at 2:22 pm #

          All girls from China but no fat chick.

        • LW
          February 22, 2019 at 2:30 pm #

          Only someone with severe TDS would tie Trump into this. Please get help.

          • Trump 2020
            February 22, 2019 at 5:13 pm #

            Half the people on this blog have stage 4 TDS.

  12. Spider
    February 22, 2019 at 1:14 pm #

    Smollett will never go to jail and so far has not been fired from his show.

    Funny that Roseanne Barr was kicked to the curb for much less.

    Wonder why!!!

    • LW
      February 22, 2019 at 2:31 pm #

      If Obama were still president he would have said, “The police acted stupidly” and taken Smollett’s side.

    • The school committee
      February 23, 2019 at 4:04 am #

      Barr was not involved with breaking the law as he is.I believe she broke the conditions of her contract.They knew she was a liability and was fired for what they feared she could do.

      • LW
        February 23, 2019 at 5:20 pm #

        Being charged with a felony is surely a breach of contract, you can bet on it.

    • Joe Blow
      February 23, 2019 at 9:45 pm #

      Don’t be so sure about that…only State charges so far. This dumbass also sent a phony white powder laced letter to himself…that is a Federal investigation being conducted by FBI and USPS inspectors. He could have cause race riots and who knows what else. There have been MANY race hoaxes since President Trumps election including the fake nazi graffiti at Williams College. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

  13. Cicero
    February 22, 2019 at 6:00 pm #

    Why no comments about that awful ponzi scheme called Wayfair? Didn’t all the brainiacs on here short the hell out of the stock? didn’t you all listen to Judith Knight and her wisdom about volume-inflating micro transactions?

  14. Agent 86
    February 22, 2019 at 6:27 pm #

    Does she post here?

    • Cicero
      February 22, 2019 at 7:06 pm #

      Yes. Under the handle Agent Smith. She has posted a long series of absurd lies purported to be “inside scoops” that quote the actual words of Andrea Harrington. This woman lies as easily as she breathes. She has become especially unhinged since AH spoiled her plans to intercede in the DA election on behalf of Paul Caccaviello by running a campaign to split Harrington’s vote. She is a spiteful, awful human being without a shred of integrity. And she says Jonathan Melle needs help and mocks him as mentally ill???

      • Agent 86
        February 22, 2019 at 7:46 pm #

        How do you know it’s her? How do we know you’re not Andrea Harrington?

      • danvalenti
        February 22, 2019 at 8:45 pm #

        C
        THE PLANET treads lightly with respect to the identity of posters to this site. All we can say is that you have reached a conclusion that is not supported by the evidence. It is what it is, as Bill Belichick, but in this case, “It ain’t what you think.” That said, we do appreciate your involvement.

        • Agent 86
          February 22, 2019 at 9:06 pm #

          Rest assured, this is not Bob Kraft.

          • Agent 86
            February 22, 2019 at 9:11 pm #

            While we are on the subject of Bob Kraft. I am by no means a Pat’s fan. In fact I don’t care for them. I have to say that this story doesn’t smell right. I think we have to wait for this story to develop.

        • Cicero
          February 22, 2019 at 10:17 pm #

          I am trying to post my reasoning, but my post won’t go through. Why not?

          • Pat
            February 23, 2019 at 6:13 am #

            I have that happen all the time. I usually save my posts before sending them just in case they get lost. Then If you try to resend it, the message will come up that you already sent that post so you have to change a few words.

          • Paris
            February 23, 2019 at 9:05 am #

            Because you’re full of hot air.

          • danvalenti
            February 23, 2019 at 10:13 am #

            CICERO
            We haven’t received this. Please resend. Thanks.

        • Cicero
          February 23, 2019 at 6:06 pm #

          Dan,

          I would never ask you to reveal anyone’s identity. I completely respect your position on that. I don’t know to a certainty that Agent Smith is in fact JK, but here are the facts:

          – Agent Smith started posting about the DA’s race on this board almost to the day that JK publicly endorsed Paul Caccaveillo. What a coincidence.

          – Almost immediately, AS posted information about the Pucci Williams rape case that was not public. As you surely know by now, I have poured over the documents that came out. Whoever AS is, he/she was enlisted by the Caccaviello campaign to refute the Williams rape issue and was provided with non-public information about that particular rape case – information that was not in any of the documents I have seen. That is sickening.

          – For someone who supposedly wanted to win the DA’s election, JK’s refusal to criticize Caccaviello, or the DA wives who threatened locals who were critical of their husbands, was comical. It doesn’t take a genius to recognize that her intention was never to win, only to see that AH lost. She showed up at Caccaviello’s event on election night to pledge support for him for chrisake.

          – Consistent with this behavior, AS posted a series of absurdities about the AH campaign, such as the claim that Maura Healey said on a conference call “Wait, who is she again?,” to which one of Healey’s people supposedly responded “You know, the lady with the bad hair and shrill voice.” Positively ridiculous. And just one of a series of obviously fallacious “scoops” that this fool posted.

          – Along the way, AS posted a series of accusations regarding the motivations of Pucci and the fact that he actually appears to care about the 100+ unprosecuted rape allegations that have come out of Williams. I have done some investigating of my own and as it turns out, the word is that Pucci is soon retiring. Which discredits every smear AS directed at him regarding his motivation for standing up for his client, which AS repeatedly asserted was nothing more than a fishing expedition with $ as the endgame.

          – ALL of this behavior points to a disturbed individual engaging in a serious vendetta. Someone with serious hatred in their heart who is willing to do anything to exact their revenge.

          I could go on, but I think you get the point. And no, Agent 86, I am not AH or anyone affiliated with her. My only interest in AH is that she is NOT Capeless or Caccaviello. Their flaws may be of a different sort, but they are both disgraces to the cause of justice.

          I have known Capeless was not a good DA for quite some time. But this Williams rape issue really struck a nerve with me because I have known two women in my life who were rape victims, which is terrible, but their traumas were made far worse and their lives literally destroyed by corrupt law enforcement who rendered justice an impossibility for them. It happens all the time, which almost nobody appreciates or cares about until it happens to someone close to them.

          • Agent 86
            February 24, 2019 at 8:17 am #

            Are you happy with Harrington ‘s job performance thus far?

      • Agent 86
        February 23, 2019 at 9:17 am #

        You have an unhealthy obsession with Knight. You’re almost as bad as Melle with his Luciforo thing.

  15. Jonathan Melle
    February 22, 2019 at 9:56 pm #

    Donald Trump was disappointed with Bob Kraft’s arrest, yet Trump has his own legal situations with Stormy Daniels and a Playboy bunny. Since Trump and Kraft allegedly paid for sex, then maybe they should support legalizing and regulating prostitution. Moreover, Trump wants to take away federal funds for Planned Parenthood because it provides abortion services to low-income women, yet Trump allegedly cheated on all three of wives. It is all “moral hypocrisy”! And, don’t get me started on the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse cases. It is more “moral hypocrisy”, but instead of government, politics and business, the sins are in a religion that is supposed to serve God. In closing, all of these men who sexually exploit women and children are moral hypocrites!
    – Jonathan Melle

    • Wong
      February 23, 2019 at 6:49 am #

      How much is a trip to the massage parlor in your town?

  16. The school committee
    February 23, 2019 at 4:26 am #

    Listen,the number 1 issue in Pittsfield is the area around Tyler street and Dalton ave.Our police are being burnt out because of the small force that needs more money.
    Number 2 problem is the oversized school system for 5400 kids.Crosby building is unfit.All special education students end up in unsafe eviroments like the Crosby building. We have never had good money management in the school department.The title of superintendent should be removed from mrs Behnkes business department. We have 1500 high school students and shrinking.We educate them in 2 buildings and 500k of square feet of wasted space.Im told Pittsfield signed off on a problem at Taconic high to get it opened.

  17. Gigi
    February 23, 2019 at 7:41 am #

    President Trump on the cutting of federal funds to Planned Parenthood – “abortion is not family planning.”
    Thank you President Trump!

    https://www.breitbart.com/education/2019/02/22/donald-trump-administration-abortion-is-not-family-planning/

    • Pat
      February 23, 2019 at 6:00 pm #

      I agree Gigi. Also the far left complains that we need people in this country because our population is aging and our birth rate is low while at the same time they are promoting abortion. No logical sense to this at all. In countries that experience a low birth rate, the government encourages people to have lots of children. Instead, in this country we discourage Americans from having more children by pushing abortion and promoting guilt about too many people destroying the environment while at the same time demanding that illegal immigrants be allowed to pour into the country.

    • Joe Blow
      February 23, 2019 at 9:57 pm #

      How many tens of millions does PP donate to Dem politicians? If they can donate that much why the F&$! do the need taxpayer money. It’s not taxpayers problem people don’t use the plentiful variety of birth control. Margret Sanger openly advocated aborting black babies and loved eugenics. VILE People!

  18. Johnny99
    February 23, 2019 at 9:00 am #

    It’s happening and Wayfair stock is through the roof up 50 percent since announcement coming to Pittsfield. Was around 100 when announced – was almost 150 Friday.

    https://www.fool.com/investing/2019/02/22/why-wayfair-stock-rocketed-higher-today.aspx

    https://www.iberkshires.com/story/59370/Wayfair-Finalizes-Lease-For-Clocktower-Building.html

    Satisfied Cicero ?????

    • Kermit Frog
      February 24, 2019 at 6:04 am #

      Wuuhhhh?

      ‘Non-GAAP earnings per share came in at a loss of $1.12, compared to a per-share loss of $0.58 in the prior-year period and $0.16 better than analysts were expecting. Free cash flow was a loss of $23.2 million, while adjusted EBITDA was a loss of $53.8 million.’

      I might short it now. Not sure how this business s ales up. I think their delivery model is going to ruin them. I like shopping online but … many Wayfair things I bought came smashed up and they (WF) are just claiming on their common carrier insurance. That is not earnings really – not sure how that is working out across the country.

      Also, what is the going rate for sq footage for a lease in Pittsfield? Stanley is getting 400,000 rented. That is big money.

  19. Herb Pease
    February 23, 2019 at 12:06 pm #

    In 1776 patriots yelled the British are coming now they yell Kraft is cumming.

  20. Jonathan Melle
    February 23, 2019 at 1:21 pm #

    My terrible true story of my negative experiences with Luciforo are told on my blog page:

    https://jonathanmelleonpolitics.blogspot.com/2008/05/andrea-nuciforo-jonathan-melle-month-of.html

    I did not ask for Nuciforo’s abuses against my and my family since I was 20 years old in the Spring of 1996. For nearly 23 years now, neither Nuciforo nor his network of bullies has apologized to me. To be clear, Andrea F. Nuciforo, Jr. has been a dangerous person in my adult life! I will always stand up to Luciforo by always speaking my good conscience as long as I live!

    – Jonathan Melle

  21. The school committee
    February 24, 2019 at 9:12 am #

    Dennis Guyer was fired by the city of Pittsfield for using hate words .Marchetti proved he can’t handle finances even with a banking position where he gets paid to handle money.

  22. The school committee
    February 24, 2019 at 9:14 am #

    Mayor Linda Taxes continues their good work by spending poor people money before heading to Florida to retire with the others.

  23. James
    February 24, 2019 at 9:49 am #

    Cicero is Rinaldo. He has an unhealthy obsession with Capeless and Caccaviello because somehow, his many transgressions with the law over the years are their fault. Knight, by association, is now on his list of misguided obsessions.

    • James
      February 26, 2019 at 8:14 am #

      You’ll always have the BB. Keep us posted on those Williams “cases.”