By DAN VALENTI
PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary
(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THURSDAY, FOURTH OF JULY, 2013) — Happy sparklers and red-checked picnics to you on this sun-shiny holiday. In honor of this great day of Independence, observed in the good USA and in the hearts and minds of the Beach Boys, we shall suspend out usual coverage and commentary for a day.
You will be interested to know that THE PLANET shall be hosting our own private parade, replete with fireworks, parading, loud music, bacchanalia, and all sorts of drumming and humming. By Invitation Only. Our budget, incidentally, remains a state secret not even our good friend Julian Assange knows, but we can tell you it’s less than $85,000. Amazing, that one can enjoy the holiday for less than that ridiculous amount.
We don’t have a head of THE PLANET’s parade committee, no one to go mad at the end in a fried display of red, white, and blue (mostly blue) panic. Everything here is cool, free, and easy. Moreover, when our parade is done, our grounds will be as well kept at a billiard table.
THE PLANET also has taken care of any moron who tries to set up lawn chairs at THE FORTRESS before 10 a.m. Taking a cue from one of our “good friends” from the North End, anyone being so stupid will get “two in the hat.”
On this Fourth, we celebrate the coming of the Security and Surveillance State and the exiting of the country we once knew as “America.”
Have fun, everyone, and may all your julians assange in an eric snowden way.
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Variously known as the Fourth of July and Independence Day, July 4th has been a federal holiday in the United States since 1941, but the tradition of Independence Day celebrations goes back to the 18th century and the American Revolution (1775-83). In June 1776, representatives of the 13 colonies then fighting in the revolutionary struggle weighed a resolution that would declare their independence from Great Britain. On July 2nd, the Continental Congress voted in favor of independence, and two days later its delegates adopted the Declaration of Independence, a historic document drafted by Thomas Jefferson. From 1776 until the present day, July 4th has been celebrated as the birth of American independence, with typical festivities ranging from fireworks, parades and concerts to more casual family gatherings and barbecues.
“On the 4th, we pledge adieu / To the wonderful country we once knew, / That now recedes in history, / On Paula Dean and the like — no mystery.” — Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice, poet laureate of THE PLANET.
“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”
LOVE TO ALL.