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LAUGHING SO AS TO KEEP FROM CRYING: THE BB IS UP FOR SALE … MOUNTAIN CLIMBER PLuNGES TO DEATH AFTER PROPOSING TO GIRLFRIEND … and OTHER HOWLERS

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By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY, AUG. 20, 2014) — “Good” news lies within the inner perceptions, that built-in interpreter of the often harsh outside life that is our heir for the “sin” of being human. What you may find tragic, he may find funny. Your inability to control drinking is his inspiration to write a beautiful poem:

“Drink to me only with thine eyes,

And I will pledge with mine;

Or leave a kiss but in the cup,

And I’ll not ask for wine.

The thirst that from the soul doth rise

Doth ask a drink divine;

But might I of Jove’s nectar sup,

I would not change for thine. 

Ben Johnson, “To Celia,” (1616)

——– 000 ——–

It’s All Attitude

And so it has come to pass that THE PLANET shares with you some “bad” news that has many weeping and gnashing teeth but brings us wry amusement and ironic satisfaction. And belly laughs. It’s all attitude. We would, for example, find it hilarious if someone could invent a machine to remove the thumbs of all people aged 18 and under.

Let us go, then, you and we, and share a few examples THE PLANET found in a simple perusal of stories on the Yahoo! home page from yesterday (Aug. 19) and uproarious headlines from the local daily. Speaking of The Boring Broadsheet, THE PLANET later breaks some news. Be prepared.

Side-Splitting Story #1

Talk About Fallin for a Girl

“(Reuters) – A veteran outdoorsman fell to his death on a solo climb at Yosemite National Park in California the same day he proposed to his girlfriend, a newspaper reported.

Brad Parker, 36, of Sebastopol, California, and his girlfriend, Jainee Dial, climbed to the top of Cathedral Peak on Saturday and it was on that trip that she accepted his marriage proposal, the Santa Rosa Press Democrat reported.

Later, Parker set out alone to scale Matthes Crest a few miles away, where other climbers saw him fall from a granite crest on Saturday evening, the newspaper said.”

THE PLANET loves this story. We say to Mr. Parker: “You experienced the discipline of nature, which requires severe consequences for such a mindless daring defiance of the law of gravity. You happy now?”

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S-S Story #2

Is that a Cop or Have the Mutant Ninja Commandos Landed?

From wire.com:

“At a time when tension between police and civilians are at an all-time high, and scrutiny of police tactics have never been greater, police in St. Louis shot and killed a man on Tuesday, just miles from where Michael Brown died. This incident involved a St. Louis Police Department officer, where as Michael Brown was killed by a Ferguson Police Department officer. 

The incident occurred outside of a 5-Star Market just before 1:00 p.m. local time today. According to police, the man was attempting to rob the convenience store and was wielding a knife. The store owner argued with the man and when police arrived, he refused to let go of the knife. He then threatened two officers who fired on the suspect, killing him.”

THE PLANET wonders what ever happened to the time-honored tactic of shooting someone in the leg? Such questions give us infinite intellectual delight, in the manner that we used to enjoy solving math puzzles and ring toss. We also revel in a result that is to be utterly expected as Anytown, USA, continues to arm its police not like Officer Joe Bolton but like urban commandos and storm troopers out of a bad sci-fi film. These local yokels obviously don’t have the proper training. It gives us a sense of balance and appropriate outcome not experienced since the days of running out Blackhawk Films’ Mack Sennet comedies, particularly, The Keystone Kops.

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S-S Story #3

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, and Dumbester

Here are the headlines to two lead stories on Yahoo! Each was given given more play than the new U.S. “invasion of Iraq.” What a knee-slapper! Headline: “How Jennifer Aniston gets bikini-ready” … and “Infamous ‘American Idol’ contestant gets hitched

THE PLANET finds great solace in these headlines and the stories that go with them. The generation of young idiots we are fast creating through such stories at this “back to school” time provides such a wonderful complement to the laughable curricula of our public schools. With this army of vapid, robotic little consumers with no critical-thinking skills, our future is assured.

——– 000 ——–

S-S Story #4

It Had to Happen: The BB Is Up for Sale

THE PLANET has buried the biggest story in the middle as our own little jest. Join us in a hearty laugh that The Boring Broadsheet, that Newspaper Formerly Known as The Berkshire Eagle, is on the chopping block. Isn’t it even funnier that THE PLANET, not The BB or any of the other “me-too” local mainstream media, gets to break this story!

All along, THE PLANET has kept you informed of the hilarious demise of the once great local daily. This includes its sale at fire-sale prices in 1995 to Dean Singleton‘s Media News Group following the Miller family’s disastrous experiment in land speculation through bankruptcy and on to its purchase a couple years ago by Digital First Media,which acquired the remaining Media News assets at even fewer pennies on the dollar.

The news came via a press release from the real estate company Twenty Lake Holdings. A total of 51 newspaper buildings and land are on the market, including “Berkshire Eagle Clock Tower, Pittsfield, MA, Office & Land.” Also being offered are the company holdings in Bennington (New England Newspapers, The Banner), Manchester (The Journal), and Brattleboro (The Reformer), Vt.

——– 000 ——–

The Bicycle Thief, Minus DeSica

In a separate amusement all its own, THE PLANET wonders if we have reached a bit too far beyond the cultural grasp with our headline. Ah, but we digress. In Tuesday’s The BB, we read:

“A city man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail after he admitted to stealing a bicycle from a neighbor’s garage.”

We can remember growing up in the 1950s. Going for blocks all around our neighborhood, we can still recall all the families and their names who formed part of that tight-knit enclave. The Dassattis, The Nollis, The Strelins, The Demarys, The Gregorys, The Massettis, The Paolis, The Serafinos, and on and on. ‘Tis true, that when someone in the neighborhood got sick, my mom would make a meal for them. They returned the favor. There were travelings feasts on Saturday night, when one of the families would host an all night party. The women would be in the kitchen making the food and chatting. The men would be in the TV room or den smoking, playing cards, and telling jokes. At bedtime, all the kids would sleep in various bedrooms, while the laughing and singing continued downstairs.

We remember. Then. We observe. Now.

“Bronx woman gets 2.5 years in prison for Berkshire drug deals” … “Pittsfield shooting victim in intensive care; suspect in custody.” … “Man denies role in dismemberment.” 

That is the biggest, saddest joke of all.

——————————————————————————————

“We shall not ever meet them bearded in heaven, / Nor sunning themselves among the bald of hell; / If anywhere, in the deserted schoolyard at twilight, / Forming a ring, perhaps, or joining hands / In games whose very names we have forgotten. / Come, memory, let us seek them there in the shadows.”Donald Justice, “On the Death of Friends in Childhood,” (1960).

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

 

 

 

 

 

Example

This

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Jonathan Melle
Jonathan Melle
9 years ago

I wouldn’t purchase the Berkshire Eagle newspaper if someone gave me a million dollar signing bonus! The Eagle is a third-rate rag without a conscience. If the Eagle cared about Pittsfield politics, then it would have reported on all of Pittsfield’s problems instead of the tag lines about the Consent Decree between GE’s Jack Welch and former Mayor Gerry Doyle in 2000, WHEN about decade ago,and downtown revitalization boondoggle during the Ruberto regime. Pittsfield needs to change for the better!

dusty
dusty
9 years ago

This paper has been a very important cog in the good old boy machine. Perhaps now they can take legal ownership of it instead of just pulling the strings from behind the curtain.

The Eagle has played a hug role in the demise of Pittsfield. They are/were everything a newspaper was not supposed to be and they have self destructed.

Unnamed Business Man
Unnamed Business Man
9 years ago

Perhaps the mayor can just “find” the money to buy the Berkshire Eagle. Change its name to”The Liberal Democrat Tax & Spend Chronicle”. Make everyone in the city subscribe by including it in the taxes. Then just run articles on how great a job he’s doing.

B
B
Reply to  Unnamed Business Man
9 years ago

Whoever you are,you are funny; sort of sad in a way but true.

ed shepardson
ed shepardson
9 years ago

The Eagle is not for sale, at least not yet. Just the real estate. 2.5 million if you want to be the Eagle’s landlord.

Bull Durham
Bull Durham
Reply to  ed shepardson
9 years ago

Ed is correct – this is a real estate sale and not a business sale. The Eagle and the other papers are not included and they would either continue to rent space from new owners or consolidate into a single building somewhere. The Clock Tower site has been for sale for several years, in fact. Rumor has it that once all is said and done, the Eagle will shutter the Reformer and Journal in VT and may only keep the Eagle and Banner in place, and might move their offices to a single place.

dusty
dusty
Reply to  Bull Durham
9 years ago

Oh Shit! Cancel the celebration!

Gene
Gene
9 years ago

Building and land for the buyer of BB. Planet should buy it, become BB’s new landlord.

Thomas More
Thomas More
9 years ago

“A veteran outdoorsman fell to his death on a solo climb at Yosemite National Park in California the same day he proposed to his girlfriend, a newspaper reported.” That is a real laugher. I’ll bet his girl friend and family are still in hysterics over it. Too bad the Planet didn’t keep reading because there was an even funnier story. An eight year old girl slipped off the trail at Yellowstone and fell 550 feet to her death. Perhaps some you devotees can come up with more hilarious stories while we’re on the subject.

7
7
Reply to  Thomas More
9 years ago

Isn’t that part of the challenge; not falling.
You have to be smarter than tools you’re working with.
Solo climb? Why?
Because its there?
Can you live without mountain climbing or hanggliding?
Is it worth your life?
Whats funny is how someone can be so stupid.

Ron Kitterman
Ron Kitterman
9 years ago

@Thomas More Connecticut Man Fakes Death To Avoid Wedding
http://gothamist.com/2014/08/19/connecticut_man_fakes_death_to_avoi.php

Downtown Dweller
Downtown Dweller
Reply to  Ron Kitterman
9 years ago

He’s not the same person that Thomas More is referring to.

I don’t think that joking about the real victim’s death is funny at all.

B Scofo
B Scofo
9 years ago

How anyone could find any joy in this, I’ll never know.

One of the most angering posts I’ve ever read on here.

Luke
Luke
9 years ago

maybe the city could buy it, move the various mouthpieces for the mayor into it and publish Pravda or some other propaganda..

Linda
Linda
9 years ago

DV I get this post. The clue is when you speak of irony at the beginning. Am I right? I enjoyed this piece espec. the lovely poem by Johnson.

Joe Blow
Joe Blow
9 years ago

Not sure what is funny about the climber falling to his death/

Deb S
Deb S
9 years ago

People!!! Lighten up, I am sure he doesn’t find it funny, I think the point is why!! Sit back and think about it..just saying…

amandaWell
amandaWell
9 years ago

Pittadield is ready to go off a cliff.

ShirleyKnutz
ShirleyKnutz
9 years ago

I find it sadly amusing that MA has been under the rule of “the people’s party” for over 50 years and this is what has happened to a great state and a once great city. Unfirtunately time does not sit still and neither should we.

Scott
Scott
9 years ago

Satire at it’s best. Like a guy making out with the business end of a gun for whatever reason.

Jonathan Melle
Jonathan Melle
9 years ago

I liked the comment by Jeff Ferrin about the news story that Pittsfield gained hundreds of jobs last month. It is a good read about the sad reality of just how much Pittsfield politics sucks!
http://wwlp.com/2014/08/19/pittsfield-gained-hundreds-of-jobs-in-july/

dusty
dusty
Reply to  Jonathan Melle
9 years ago

Jeff nailed it. Get out if you can. The clock is ticking and those left behind will have one hell of a mess to live in. there won’t be any cleaning up this time.

Kathy
Kathy
Reply to  dusty
9 years ago

Bingo

Deb S
Deb S
Reply to  Jonathan Melle
9 years ago

wow!!! Thanks for sharing that Jonathan, a real eye operner…