BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, SNOWMAGEDDON MARCH 14, 2017) — Considering that official spring is less than a week away, there’s been way too much hair getting mussed because of a few snowflakes hitting the ground.

Snowflakes are interesting. No two are or have ever been alike, although how does anyone actually know? They fall individually but accumulate collectively, kind of like human “snowflakes” — you know, the ones who have turned New England winter into Snowmageddon. In terms of hype, fear, and needless consternation, The Apocalypse has nothing on Snowmageddon. In the words of Franklin Delano Snowsevelt, “We have nothing to fear but snow itself.”

When did we lose our senses about weather? Was it in the mid-80s, when city council president Joe Ryan took his orders from the unions and shepherded through the uncapping of public pensions in the then-well-off-but-on-its-way-to-disaster City of Pittsfield? Was it shortly thereafter, when voting turnouts went south and the Big Three public-employee gangs, led by the educators, stole control of local elections? Was it when mayor Sara Hathaway, after fatally avoiding that pesky journalist Dan Valenti for nearly a year, showed up uninvited and unannounced on his radio show, bringing with her puppy Moxie? Each of these would make as much sense as any explanation you would care to offer.

There’s money in snow. News coverage from the “mainstream press” (MP) has mentioned the phrase “Storm of the Century” more than once. They say it occurred in 1993. THE PLANET remembers that March 12. It snowed. It got shoveled and plowed. It melted. We lived to tell about it. The MP loves “weather,” especially a little snow, because the media can cause a panic with 24/7 coverage on TV and the Internet. Panics generate viewers, readers, and listeners, and that bumps up ad rates. THE PLANET even knows a case of a local ski area sending cash bribes to a local radio station to broadcast that the weekend would include “expected snow fall” when the actual weather called for no snow. Of course, our lips are sealed.

Snow is also politics and votes. Not to be left out of the fun, government on all levels loves to may hay from the crystalline flakes. “Please be advised …” Let THE PLANET stop there. Doesn’t the phrase sound official, the connotation having that perfect tinge of forbidding and portent? That’s how the press release from the mayor’s office began.

It reads:

PITTSFIELD, Mass. – Please be advised that on Tuesday, March 14th, the city is expected to receive two to four inches of snow per hour, therefore the City of Pittsfield has declared a snow emergency. An on-street parking ban, except for North Street, will be in effect 8 a.m. Tuesday through 7 a.m. Wednesday, March 15th.

Vehicles parked on city streets must be removed to allow for plowing. Parking restrictions for the McKay Street Garage are waived as both this garage and the first floor of the Columbus Avenue Garage are open and available for parking on Tuesday.

Garbage pickup will be canceled Tuesday and all routes will be delayed one day. Please keep fire hydrants and sidewalks shoveled and accessible in case of emergencies.

The City of Pittsfield thanks you for your patience and please stay safe. — Roberta McCulloch-Dews

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When did we, as individuals, lose the common sense to know when to venture out and when to stay indoors during a snow storm? When did we need government to tell us to “stay safe?” Was it when mayor Ed Reilly gave up the ghost and walked out on radio anchor Dan Valenti election night one foggy November when Gerry Doyle won election? Was it when Doyle nearly cashed-out the city during the health insurance scandal? When mayor Jimmy Ruberto went to a World Series game in 2004 — on tickets for which he paid full price? Perhaps it came when mayor Dan Bianchi turned over his job to the late Sue Carmel and the late Bruce Collingwood?

We don’t know. Snowmageddon remains a mystery. As for THE PLANET, we will don snowsuit and venture outside to play. Snowforts, snowball fights, King of the Hill, sliding, Kill The Guy With The Ball: We have our choice of fun, for we have long ago skipped our “mid-life crisis” in favor of our “second childhood.”

We won’t tell you to “stay safe.” You’re an adult. You’re a big boy. You’re a big girl. You know what to do.

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“As soon go kindle fire with snow as seek to quench the fire of love with words.” — William Shakespeare.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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