By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, FRIDAY, SEPT. 9, 2011) — In connection with the story we ran yesterday about the Pittsfield Colonials not returning to the city in 2012, a commentator asked if we had contacted managing partner Buddy Lewis or anyone else in the organization.

The answer is yes. We put in a call to GM and field manager Jamie Keefe on Wednesday afternoon and have not heard back. Yesterday, we invited Lewis to comment on our story. He sent this e-mail today:

“No one has said The Colonials are not going to play in Pittsfield next season. I have told everybody who has asked, we will assess the situation at the league meetings at the end of the month.”

If we take this statement at face value, it suggests an opening for the Colonials to return. Our qualified sources who insist the C’s are gone in 2012 and that if any type of “premium” ball is played at Wahconah Park, it will be collegiate ball are sticking by what they say. Few if any people expect the team to find the Miracle Pill that will make the operation solvent and warrant a venture into next year. THE PLANET can envisage one scenario would 2012 would be in play for the C’s.  That would be if an wealthy Type A tycoon wants to brag at the Country Club to his buddies that he owns a pro team. This person would have money to lose and be willing and able to run the team at a tax write off.

With its present wet-behind-the-ears staffing in key management and marketing positions, the only way the team has a chance to make money is to clean house and hire professionals.

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Watch the back door at Remo’s.

THE PLANET says this with the spotting of Lt. Gov. Tim Murray in the Berkshires. Put a clothespin on your nose and your wallet in Al Gore’s lockbox.

You’ll recall that Murray, as THE PLANET exclusively revealed, made a stop at DelGallo’s barroom on Newell Street in July 2010 to meet with No Show the Larded Lout. The purpose of the meeting: to offer Larded the deal of a lifetime.

THE PLANET had our microphones in a potted plant at one of Remo’s back-room tables and managed to record snippets of the conversation. We share this one:

MURRAY: You wanna lifetime job at $110,000 clams a year plus a forty thousand benefits package?

LARDED: Uh, um, uh … well.

MURRAY: Listen up, Chumley.  This ain’t rocket science. You’re taking the job, see.

LARDED: What I have to do?

MURRAY: That’s the beauty of it. You don’t do nuttin’, you don’t say nuttin’. You’re strictly D&D?

LARDED: What’s dat?

MURRAY: Deaf and dumb. And kid, kid, you got the dumb part down to a D.

LARDED: But I’m a state rep and …

MURRAY: Listen, Einstein. Do I have to draw you a $#%^&* map? You pull a Larkin, see. You get re-elected, you don’t tell anyone about this offer, then just after you get sworn in, you resign. We then get the next stooge to replace you. This way, we get two dupes where we want them. You in the courts, and Tricia Falala-Boomdier on Beacon Hill.

LARDED: Hey, I don’t wanna get stuck with paying $40 grand for a special election.

MURRAY: Don’t worry. It’s all taken care of. We’re talking about Pittsfield voters here, remember? They’re the same saps that put you in for Larkin. They don’t vote. They let us run the show. How #$%^&* stupid can you be, huh?

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At that point, Larded spilled his Triple King Chili Cheeseburger, his fourth one during the lunch-munch by the way, into the microphone. The rest were muffles. Murray picked up the tab.

‘Stressing Regionalization of Services,’ Whatever Ta-heck That Means

Murray was in town “stressing regionalization of services,” according to iBerkshires.com website in a story that ran yesterday. THE PLANET translates that meaningless phrase: “Cooking up the fix for Trish.”

Murray also toured the House of Correction (don’t you just love that euphemism for the county clink?).

In its story, iBerkshires.com referred to the 2% budget cut the state gave the Bowler’s HOC, you know, the clink. Dig the wording: The website writes:

“The House of Correction was slammed with a 2 percent budget cut and a state refusal to pay for already agreed upon raises to unionized staff. The deficit led to nine employees being laid off.”

“Slammed”?

First, the “cut” may actually be a raise. It is, if it represents a reduction in the amount of growth Sheriff Tom Bowler requested in his budget. That’s how Democrats talk about “cuts.”

Look, you always ask for more than you need. If you ask for 8% and get 8% (even though you could actually get by on a flat amount), bring out the dancing girls. If you ask for 8% and you “only” get 6%, you still party. You got a hike and at the same time can cry about getting “slammed” with a 2% hit. Actually, you say you were “cut 25%” (2% of 8).

God Forbid Public Services Should Be Run the Way Joe Taxpayer Must Run His Household

Even accepting that this is a genuine 2% cut, THE PLANET reminds our public servants Murray and Bowler and the rest of the usual gang of porcine suspects of the continuous hit Joe Taxpayer takes. His beating never stops.

In Pittsfield, Joe T yearly sees increases of 5%. That’s an actual 5%. His assessment go up. That’s the double whammy. Then, each year, these tax hike compound, just like accruing interest in a savings account. That’s the triple tax whammy Joe T. must pay nearly every year.

Meanwhile, the cost of living rises. Many in Pittsfield are on fixed incomes. Now THAT’S being SLAMMED, plus beaten, pulverized, raped, pillaged, plundered, and otherwise manhandled.

The iBerkshire story goes on:

“Since Bowler took over the reigns after his election last year, he has continued to push for regionalization despite severe budget cuts that ravished the office.”

The state cheapskates “ravished” the office. They didn’t “ravage” the office. These are strange times we’re living in, Master Jack. Just curious. Was this unsigned story written by a 20-something?

The story quotes Murray: “We’ve been working [with the sheriff] to address some funding issues.”

TRANSLATION: “Hang on to your wallets, people. We’re going to cook the books and send more tax money this way.”

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Onward into the day and evening.

“Open the window, Aunt Millie.”

Love to all.