By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2012) — No, we didn’t post on Friday. No, it was not the preemption of an April’s Fool’s stunt. No, we weren’t kidnapped. No, we didn’t “sell out.” No, “they” didn’t “get to me” (whatever that is supposed to mean). No, we didn’t walk away and leave all you chicks floundering in a world where you have little chance, because the odds are stacked against you — as government tries to ensure.

No, we actually were … well, THE PLANET will spare you the details. Suffice it to say we have been engaged in a delightful combination of R&R and presidential politics from the inside, with a ringside seat afforded to few, with reason. With that in mind, we present a PLANET survey.

This isn’t a poll of your father’s making. We present communications to us, received today, from the two presidential campaigns that will go toe-to-toe in November — Romney for President and the Committee to Re-elect Obama. Our poll has no questions. It consists of today’s messages, which we invite you to read and then share. Share what? Share your reactions on this choice, because one of these two men will gain (or regain) the Oval Office. It won’t be a third party candidate (unfortunately). It won’t be Sara Palin (thank God). It won’t “none of the above.” You will choose between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.

From the Obama camp, we received a note from Sen. John Kerry:

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Dan —

When I was the Democratic nominee for president in one of the closest and toughest elections in history, a group of billionaires did something unprecedented:

They wrote million-dollar checks to fund lies about my service on what were called “Swift Boats” in Vietnam — and in so doing, they turned the boats my crewmates and I served on into a new political shorthand for the most vicious smears imaginable: “swiftboating.”

I wish like hell that the term was retired from the American political lexicon, and returned to its real meaning.

But guess what: Bob Perry, the deep-pocketed funder of the “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth,” just gave $3 million to Mitt Romney’s Super PAC.

One man. Three million dollars. And that’s just the start.

I know all too clearly that these guys will do or say anything to win. They’ll stop at nothing. But forewarned is forearmed. Their multi-million dollar smear tactics were new in 2004; in 2012 we know their playbook, and shame on us if we don’t tear it into shreds. Join me and we will stop the “swiftboating” of President Obama.

Fight back by donating $3 or more today at this critical deadline moment.

It takes someone with no shame and a lot of money to get the public to believe a total lie.

Unfortunately that’s what we’re up against.

Let’s be ready for it — let’s fight back.

Please donate $3 today:

https://donate.barackobama.com/Before-Saturday

Thanks,

John

Senator John Kerry
Massachusetts

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From Mr. Mitt, we got this, from his wife, Ann:

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Dan,By now you’ve probably heard that two supporters will get the chance to join Mitt and Tagg in Boston for a baseball game on Patriots’ Day. This was all Mitt’s idea. He loves meeting supporters at these Day on the Road events. And so do I. If you win, I’d love to meet you before you head to the baseball game with Mitt and Tagg. The first winner will be selected after the deadline at 11:59pm tonight. So donate $3 today to be automatically entered to join the three of us in Boston for Patriots’ Day: https://www.mittromney.com/donate/patriots-day-with-mitt Hope to see you soon, Ann

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THE PLANET would be interested in your thoughts. So would others who are a bit more connected with the two campaigns, who, we can tell you, will be reading what you write. We can say no more. Be real. Be honest. And no smart-asses, please, or you will be crushed, ejected, then deleted.

As a general note, we would ask to morons, the idiots, the jealous, the misfits crying for their 15 seconds of fame, and anyone not prepared to advance the discussion to take your business to Topix or to the local incinerator. Jump in.

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BASEBALL, FOOTBALL, AND WHY HOCKEY IS THE BEST

We enjoyed the  comments we had in response to our piece on baseball and to Paul Kocak‘s wonderful piece on crashing Game One of the 2010 Whirled Serious. Baseball is no longer The National Pasttime, of course, because there isn’t baseball at all. There is an overproduced, over hyped, overpriced, and underwhelming amusement product that uses a version of “Major League Baseball” as its creative hook. The product exists to extract money from your pockets and for no other reason.

If America can be said to have a National Pastime, it would have to be the National Football League. As far as the players who best earn their salaries these days, it would have to be pro hockey players. THE PLANET has seen many Triple A hockey games in person this year, and we enjoy watching the Boston Bruins (current Stanley Cup champs) on the telly. Without doubt, hockey requires the most conditioned athlete of the four major sports. It has the lung-exhausting quality of NBA basketball (times two) combined with the crunching hitting of football. Throw in the mental aspects, which top anything baseball can produce, and you have the closest thing to honesty for your money. NFL football would be in second place in this regard.

Baseball has become — we discussed that last week. Basketball has been transformed from a team game with players that actually passed the ball around, played defense, and could pass as role models for young people to a sassified, uppity version of ‘gansta ball.’ The clown show that is NBA basketball is the pimped up hip-hop of sports. It tends to attract the same nauseous, ignorant element — you know, the one with the tatoos, the baggy dress, the SouljaBoy twine, the “yo mama” criminal pastiche.

The only time when this cannot be said is when the Boston Celtics win Game Seven of the NBA Championships. Then all is forgiven for about 20 minutes.

We all agree, though, that kids aren’t playing baseball today. ND NO — EVERY KID SHOULD NOT MAKE THE TEAM.

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THANK YOU, MY FINE FRIENDS, EVEN IF YOU COME WITH BAGGAGE. FOR THOSE WITH BURDENS, FOR CHARITY’S SWEET SAKE, WE VOUCHSAFE THE TRUNK BETWEEN YOUR ARMS, TO TAKE.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.