BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY, FEB. 22, 2016) — When it snows, you can see the footprints of the patrons of Lach’s Lounge walking more or less in neat, orderly paths. Check out those footprints hours later, and you will see a zig-zag worthy of cigarette paper. The staggering steps tell you everything you need to know about one of the city’s swankest watering holes, although THE PLANET has never set foot inside.

Lach’s is the kind of joint that has to place a sign saying “Shirts and Shoes Required” — even in winter. The dive is “QWERTYUIOP[]\” short of a full keyboard, with lighting so dim that when someone walks in with a radium watch dial, a circuit blows. It’s across from City Hall and The Highland, and if you look long enough, you can even on occasion find a dead body outside the doors. He or she may say they’re not dead, but you can never believe them.

Lach’s may be the only bar in the state that has red-lit “GTFO” signs over the doors instead of the typical “EXIT.” If its walls could talk, it wouldn’t matter. No one could understand the gibberish. It’s the kind of place that has a pinup of Miss Bacon Bits from 1983. You can bet, though, that its city licenses are up to date, because Lach’s proximity to City Hall has long been one of the secrets to its excess. That appears to be changing, with a fed up licensing board and a new administration that appears to be done with Pittsfield’s bar-room politics.

Three Sheets to a Cyclone

Lach’s recently had its liquor license suspended for seven days. That’s one day longer than Charlton Heston needed to create the world. The Pittsfield Licensing Board also required that Lach’s close at midnight for two months. These measures came after the Pittsfield Police Department reported on the murder of a man outside the lounge, around the corner in the city parking lot. Police said Lach’s kept plying the guy with alcohol, even though he was three sheets to a cyclone. Cops say the guy downed them inside of Lach’s. They found him dead, along with a bullet-ridden car, in the parking lot.

Lach’s co-owners Arthur Beattie and Michael Kreugger doth protested. Beattie blasted the PPD for not coming into Lach’s during their investigation. Maybe that’s because they were on duty, Magilla. Besides, running football cards doesn’t begin until September. Beattie then bitched to the licensing board that they didn’t shut down the sandwich shop adjacent to Lach’s. Kreugger agreed, saying, “I just don’t know how the city handles some of these things.” Do we have to draw you a map? When people overindulge inside a sandwich shop, they put on calories. When they overindulge inside a bar room, they get drunk. Also, there was no talk of weapons being swapped inside the sandwich shop. There was such an allegation against Lach’s.

The licensing board chastised the owners, but once again, the tongue lashing paled against the tap on the wrist. Lach’s should have been ordered shut down for, say, three months — enough time for the place to be deloused and fumigated.

‘Here We Sit Again’

The licensing board consists of clerk Cori Knowles, Tom Campoli, Dick Stockwell, Dana Doyle, and Diane Pero. Here are some of their comments about Lach’s:

DOYLE: “You were here over a month ago telling us you would personally be there from 10 to closing.” Neither Beattie nor Kreugger were present on the January night when the murder occurred.

CAMPOLI: “The management piece has to change. You’re not taking this seriously enough. That has to change. You’ve got to step it up.”

STOCKWELL: “After 11 o’clock, the clientele changes. There are problems. It’s fine up to 10 o’clock at night then the regulars leave. … There’s a need to have someone there that’s the boss.”

PERO: “It’s not acceptable. Here we sit again. Frankly, I don’t think you have the credibility to carry that out,” referring to  changed promised by the owners.

The board voted unanimously to shut the dive down for a week, ordered it to close by midnight for two months, and to produce a plan detailing management policies, staff training staff, and location and installation of security cameras.

How about next time the board order the name of the place to change from Lach’s to Locks — as in padlocked, for good?

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“Take me drunk. I’m home.” — Overheard in Lach’s.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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