BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION NOV. 3-5, 2017) — Take a deep breath and hold your noses, friends, as THE PLANET presents this overview of the upcoming “freeze-dried election,” scheduled for Tuesday. Just add Housatonic water and stir. Funny how Tuesday not so long ago used to be “next month.” How time flies in The Land of Benigno Numine.

Actually, you needn’t bother with the date, because, as usual, your vote will mean squat, as good a position as any for this type of spastic elimination. This election will, like all steaming dumps, attract a horde of flies and vermin, but intelligent voters will let anger and apathy overrule any temporary lapse in good judgment. Barring 11 acts of God, four miracles, two astonishments, a nuclear attack, and a good day thrown in, The Suits have this one signed, sealed, and demolished.  We shall make shrift that’s not only short but at the same time extended more than it should be.

THE PLANET begins by offering two certain, winning strategies for bedraggled “ordinary citizens” — you know, what’s left of the “armies of the road” that used to make up Pittsfield’s middle class:

Strategy (1): Don’t vote. This is by far the best option for Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski, since it will at least preserve what’s left of their sense of their civic self respect.

Strategy (2): If you do vote, write in NONE OF THE ABOVE for every office. That is the only faint hope of a glimmer of a remote possibility that Mary Jane and Joe can “send a message” to  public officials.

That being said, we now break down the “races,” which the Powers That Be broke for you long ago.

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SCHOOL COMMITTEE — You’re kidding, right? Presenting six compliant, safe candidates for six useless seats. This dumb-wad gang includes Fearless Leader Kathy “Lady Boots” Yon, the person who foremost in Pittsfield’s long-line of criminal office holder bears responsibility for ruining the city, pushing as she has a bankrupt agenda that’s not serving pupils while at the same time under-funding every other city department and destroying homeowners and small businesses with punishing taxes.  PLANET predicts all six phony windbags will win.

• THE PLANET recommends voting NONE OF THE ABOVE in the write-in slot. Writing in NONE OF THE ABOVE for school committee will be the single most important ballot act you can perform other than boycotting this election.

CITY CLERK — Another joke. One candidate for one position. We won’t bother with a “prediction.”

• THE PLANET recommends writing in NONE OF THE ABOVE. It’s your civic duty.

WARD RACES — The “good news” is that six — oops, five — of the seven wards are being contested. The bad news speaks for itself.

• Ward 1 — Helen Moon v. “Michael Cirullo.” THE PLANET predicts Moon. Cirullo got a bad case of stage fright and is no longer a candidate, though he will be on the ballot. Vote NONE OF THE ABOVE.
• Ward 2 — Kevin Morandi v. Some Gal. THE PLANET predicts and recommends Morandi, who has been quietly effective serving the ward. Gal was put up by “Them.” That tells you everything.
• Ward 3 — Nick Caccamo v. Jim Gleason. THE PLANET predicts Par Four. THE PLANET recommends Gleason, a straight shooter with a delicious independent streak.
• Ward 4 — Chris Connell v. Mr. Wrong. THE PLANET predicts and recommends Connell, who has been the council’s MVP for this cycle.
• Ward 5 — Donna Todd Rivers v. William Keane. THE PLANET predicts Rivers. We recommend Keane. Why? Because he’s not Donna Todd Rivers.
• Ward 6 — John Krol v. Nobody. THE PLANET predicts Mr. Telegenic. We recommend NONE OF THE ABOVE, on principle. No office should go uncontested.
• Ward 7 — Tony Simonelli v. Rhonda Serre. THE PLANET predicts Simonelli, who rides the school vote. We recommend Tony because he played for G.E.A.A. in the Babe Ruth League back in the day.

AT-LARGE

• Six candidates vie for four seats. THE PLANET predicts Pete Marchetti, Melissa Mazzeo, Pete White, and Earl Persip. We recommend bulleting Mazzeo and Craig Gaetani. Mazzeo well plays the role of  disloyal opposition. As for Gaetani, confess: Don’t you want to see him in a citywide seat, just to see what happens?

So do your civic duty. DO NOT VOTE!! IF DOESN’T MEAN A THING! Please, above all, do not harbor the dangerous illusion that voting can any longer be a societal obligation. The only obligation free citizens have is to “dissolve the ties” that bind them to local government.

Have a great weekend.

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“Persistence is to success what a mainspring is to a watch” — Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

The Usual Disclaimer.