BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDES, WEDNESDAY FEB. 28, 2018) — THE PLANET thanks the young scholars at Taconic and Pittsfield high schools for winning us a free, fancy coffee. We wagered a friend that the lil’ geniuses who yesterday loaded their diapers on the sidewalks, plaza, and playing fields would stage their protest, that some would be carrying signs, and — here’s the kicker — more than one sign would have a spelling or grammatical error.

And thus it came to pass that early this morning, we were enjoying a $7 cappuccino at one of south county’s more posh establishments. You know, the joint where THE PLANET never sees a bill.

Now let us grudgingly traipse back to the scholars’ signs.

One drippy-eared genius carried a sign that spelled “safety” without the “e” — her placard had it as “safety.” The dumb girl didn’t realize that walking en masse outside the building made her and her classmates exponentially more vulnerable to violence than being inside a classroom, learning. Another future member of Mensa carried a placard reading, “Its our classroom.” This young Einstein, an honor student, no doubt, apparently has yet to learn the dynamics of the possessive case.

In case she’s reading this: “Sweetie, learn basic grammar and then perhaps we’ll consider taking you seriously.”

Folks, you know, I know, Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski know, and Aunt Millie’s pet poodle knows that 99.99% of the kids who took part in the walkout over gun violence did so to get out of class on a sunny day, to goof off, to surf smart phones, and to arrange after-school drug deals. The latter happens every day. Schools are officially “drug free” zones, which feature the most robust marketplaces for kids who want their pot, meth, oxy, heroin, and Sen-Sen.

Unlike in other parts of the country, where administrators imposed punishment on student-run walkouts, Pittsfield’s dumb-arsed mayor, school superintendent, and school committee had no problem with the kiddies running the sandbox.

Super Jake “JIV” McCandless even went so far as to break the law, barring all citizens and press from being present during the walkout. He has no such authority.

“These events are planned and organized by students,” JIV said. “These events are for high school students. They are not public events, and no one — children or adults, including parents — will be allowed on school grounds during [the protest].” Earth to JIV: Campuses are public spaces.

And if you’ve ever wondered whether the kids rule over a bunch of spineless adults playing administrators, the idiot JIV admitted it point blank. He said the walkout “is a means of students having control.”

Ironically the hundreds of Pittsfield students who gave the finger to education made great targets, congregating like cattle on the outside. They gave advance notice of where they would be. Fortunately or not, an angry, disgruntled young man with his AR-15 decided to prove that all this hype about school violence is just that.

He left the magazines out of the chambers, stayed in his mom’s basement, and played “Halo” all day. No doubt he was a grad of one of the affected schools.

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“Seek life, what is alive, even rocks, for in fieldspur and mica reside ages of atoms, still, now, as then at the birth, at creation” — Sir Tiberius Friitjuice.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

The Usual Disclaimer.