BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY AUG. 29, 2018) — News items too big to fail:

Sign of the Times — A campaign sign belonging to District Attorney Paul Caccaviello was not stolen yesterday. That sign, plus one located in Caccaviello’s basement, are the only two of his signs that have not been lifted, pilfered, or kleptoed. The sign, located on  outer West Street, has been chained to the ground. Snarling pit bulls guard its perimeter, and movie-type arc lamps illuminate the sign during the nighttime hours. A silver Dodge 1500 “Big Horn” Hemi pickup truck was seen cruising back and forth in front of the sign Tuesday night, but police attribute the sighting to “swamp gas.” They also say the driver, who police day did not appear human, can be accounted for as a result of either sunspots, earth tremors, or subterranean waters.

Keep Away from Runway Sue — For the 18th time this year, the Pittsfield Airport was closed Sunday for (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) runway “pavement” work. The airport holds the distinction of being the most paved stretch of ground on the planet. Pittsfield officials defending the constant runway work, saying the airport doesn’t actually need the work, but with an election coming up next year, it’s a “handy way to ‘take care’ of favored contractors.” Meanwhile, in other airport news, Sky King ordered his niece Penny to put on a tighter sweater so she can be ready the next time the bad guys kidnap her and tie her to a chair.

Flat Out — Andrea Harrington, candidate for Berkshire County district attorney, said that her first action as D.A. would be to join the Flat-Earth Society. “If the earth were round, people on the sides and bottom would be falling off,” Harrington said. “How would we be able to properly get tough on criminals if they keeping dropping away like that?” She said she would build a wall to keep all local criminals confined to the county. When asked how the D.A.’s office would pay for the wall, she says she has been in touch with a Nigerian prince who will give her half of the $100 million he is set to inherit after she gives him her credit card number.

Mayor’s Best Friend — A judge has ordered Mayor Linda Tyer to 60 days community service. This comes after Tyer was caught sprinkling broken glass, razor blades, and tacks along the dog runs at the city dog pound off Hubbard Avenue. Tyer said the sharp objects would be “good for the dogs.” The judge disagreed. Exclusive video of the mayor in action, filmed from a hidden camera inside a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnell’s porch, turned up on Channel 10 news, but her supporters immediately went into protective reaction. They claimed it wasn’t the mayor “deeting” the dogs but “someone who looked like the mayor.” Roberta McCullough-Dews, the mayor’s chief of staff, said the woman in the tape was not the mayor but “a miraculous appearance of the Virgin Mary.” Tyer, who recently completed a novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Incompetence, recently announced she will be seeking re-election in 2019. “I want to keep Pittsfield hip and vibrant,” she said. Part of that plan, she said, would be to approve more raises for the school department while increasing taxes on seniors.

Taking a Dive — The city’s licensing board recently granted a permit for councilor Earl Persip to start a Dumpster diving business on North Street. A business certificate obtained from the city clerk’s office lists the business name as Dumber and Dumberer Dumpster Diving. During the meeting, aging board chairman Carmen Massimiano forgot who he was. Thinking he was his own father, a gold-caped Massimiano scolded himself for taking the batteries out of a flashlight and then doing strange things with the flashlight. That caused the other members to immediately approve Persip’s request. Persip says he will open his first store in the Dumpster behind Paul Rich Furniture on North Street. He says Andrea Harrington has signed up to be his first diver.

Up in Smoke — In a Commonwealth first, council president Peter Marchetti and at-large Peter White became the first politicians to completely vaporize. Puzzled investigators are stymied. “We have no rational explanation for this,” said Pittsfield police chief Mike Wynn. Chief Wynn said after the two politicians disappeared in a “hazy mist,” no animals would walk on or across that particular spot. Scientists speculated that a “total lack of substance and presence, particularly backbone,” might cause such a disappearance. Wynn said that for safety reasons, he could not disclose the location of the vaporization, but he said the disappearance was not linked to the unusual number of flashlights without batteries that could be seen strewn in the back alley between the Boy’s and Girl’s Club and the YMCA.

Battery Park — Meanwhile, Bart Raser, owner of Carr Hardware, says there has been an unaccountable run on flashlights. Raser said he’s “never seen anything like this, especially when we ask people if they want batteries for the lights. They all say no.” The mystery deepens.

Run, Rabbit, Run — The remains of the Energizer Bunny were found in an advanced state of decomposition inside the Springside House Tuesday night. Police are holding for questioning unnamed members of the Friends of the Springside House, the Pittsfield Parade Committee, a rainbow, a creeper van, two banana peels, and a dish running away with a spoon.

Trio — Eagle publisher Fred Rutberg. D.A. candidate Judith Knight. State rep. Tricia Farley-Bouvier. You complete the news item, folks, because there’s nothing new there to THE PLANET.

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“He’d knock his grandmother down if she dug in too much at the plate” — Leo Durocher on pitcher Sal Maglie.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

The Usual Disclaimer.