BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY DEC. 3, 2018) — In keeping with the season, THE PLANET shares this press release straight from the offices of Downtown Pittsfield Inc.

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Downtown Pittsfield Inc. presents the 1st Annual Festive Frolic in downtown Pittsfield on December 7th from 4 to 8 pm. The community is invited to come downtown and enjoy “free,” cheap, and lame family-friendly activities in honor of the holiday season. We would like to say “Christmas,” but that would offend three people. The mayor, therefore, would rather piss off the other 39,431 Pittsfield citizens.

Enjoy 16 fart shows, dog poop decorating, pop-up drug vendors, the annual Park Square book burning, reduced admission to the Festival of Thievery at the Berkshire Museum, a free Salsa lesson from Carlos Sanchez’s Glock 9mm, and more. Downtown shops will be open until 8 pm with overpriced deals perfect for early holiday shopping and restaurants will be serving up specials for those attending the event. Otto’s Cafe will be offering half-price Heimlich Maneuvers, and Dotties will have free lessons in sketching the outline of sprawled, gunshot bodies on the sidewalk. Be on the lookout for the M-13 Flash Mob and surprises throughout the evening, including a public urination contest to be held at the Columbus Avenue garage.

The Frolic is partnering with First Fridays Fartswalk to bring you sixteen fart shows featuring over three dozen accomplished regional flatulence artists. There will be opening receptions and gas masks present throughout the “walk” from 5 to 8 pm, and a free guided walking tour will kick-off at 5 pm at the Intermodal Center at BRTA, 1 Columbus Ave. — for those who survive the muggings and harassment from street people. Fartswalk highlights include a Special Fartswalk admission price of $5 for the Festival of Thievery at the Berkshire Museum from 5 to 8 pm (Museum members: $47 million or two original Norman Rockwells).

NUts and BAlls Gallery & Studios will host a Holiday Show and Sale at 311 North Street. Small rocks of crystal meth will be for sale and there will be a hands-on holiday hanging and  syringe decorating contest. The Fucky Phoenix, 441 North Street, will host a $10 Drop-Out Creative Pocket Pool Workshop for all the PPS disciplinary cases from 4 to 8 pm; and Dottie’s, 444 North Street, will host an Unmarked Envelopes Stuffed with Cash decorating party from 4 to 8 pm. $5 for Envelope. Favored Politicians, Contractors, and Suits only. Everyone else will be taken out back and shot. The Big Earl Persip look-alike contest will then be held in the dumpster behind Paul Rich Furniture.

The Frankenstein Center for the Arts, 28 Renne Avenue, will host their 4th Annual Wreck Art Auction. The wrecks will be on display during a $10 ticketed event with a preview from 5 to 6:30 pm followed by a live auction, where crack babies will be up for bid. Included will be cuff links and bow ties from Matt Kerwood, a bottle of perfume — Graft #5 — from Deanna Ruffer, a middle finger from Richard Stanley, and other treasures. Handmade kissing balls (no explanation needed) and juvenile delinquents created by local artists will be available at auction and as grab and go items. All proceeds will benefit the Corner Office Slush Fund for Bribery and Corruption. No checks. Cash only.

Get in the holiday spirit at the Park Square book burning ceremony at 6 pm. Enjoy carols performed by the Taconic High School Chorus, including “Up Against the Wall, Mo’ Fo’,” “How Do You Spell ‘Cat?’,” and “Blow Jobs Ain’t Sex”, and hot chocolate provided by Patrick’s Pub and Brothel. Santa and Mrs. Claus will arrive after the books are lit. They will pass out free condoms, needles, and crack to all children. There will be no lap sitting, since Mr. and Mrs. Claus will be leaving immediately after their contracted duties are performed. A spokesperson for the Clauses said the couple were hesitant to remain in downtown Pittsfield and longer than absolutely necessary, citing safety concerns.

Framework, Pittsfield Coworking, 437 North Street, will be hosting a pop-up drug market in their co-working space from 4 to 8 pm. There will be vendors for your personal indulgences, free tourniquets for the young and young-at-heart, hot fake Rolexes, on-site massage with benefits, and music to get you into the spirit of the season, including “Two Cent Cut in Taxes, Hundreds of Millions in Public Debt.” Taxpayers will then be invited to the Beacon Theater for a free vacuum cleaning of all wallets and purses. They will be invited to see a film version of “Honey, I Shit the City.”

Berkshire Salsa Dance Studio and Correctional Facility, 307 North Street, will host a free Salsa lesson from 7 to 8 pm. for M-13 gang bangers. The Marketplace Café, 53 North Street, will be giving out free hot poker irons from 4 to 8 pm. Lucia’s Latin Kitchen will serve its illiterate bilingual specialties in a pop-up location at Persip Park on North Street from 6:30 to 8 pm.

Stick around downtown Pittsfield after 8 pm for your chance to get shot or mugged with no cover at Hotel on North, the Rainbow Restaurant, and the Whitney Center for the Arts. For a list of all participating venues, visit https://tinyurl.com/festivefrolic or downtownpittsfield.com.

Thank you!

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“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor” — Truman Capote.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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