BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY JAN. 30, 2019) — In early September, Pittsfield begat another bizzywerk brainchild of government in a welcoming event for the 20 or so people who would make up the Citizen’s Academy — and believe us: We mean “make up,” because the event proved to be pure fiction.

The Academy, with roughly the same dose of reality as Starfleet Academy, was designed to “help community members understand the operations of local government.” Academy members, so the mayor’s office boasted, would “gain understanding of various functions of city government, tour designated locations, and engage in breakout activities,” according to the mayor. They met four times in September. The city kept the agenda under lock and key, but THE PLANET‘s Secret Squadron obtained the schedule. We present it here as another exclusive!

I — Gain Understanding of Various Functions of Local Governments: Academicians witnessed skits showing:

• A favored contractor submitting a no-bid contract for lucrative city work.
• A member of government receiving a cash-filled envelope.
• City councilors pretending to be informed about their packets during a meeting, conveying the impression they had actually studied the material and done their due diligence.
• Citizens being shut down at the council’s open mic.
• Peter Marchetti putting his hands under a touchless hand dryer and wondering why it doesn’t blow.
• Members of the Pittsfield School Committee “servicing” the school department superintendent and business manager.
• Kathy Yon searching for her lost youth on Bad Hair Day.
• Employees of the city public works department sleeping behind the Big Red Pothole Machine.
• A drug deal going bad outside Mission Tapas.
• A senior citizen mugged by a roving band of teen-age youth.
• TFB buying all the pastries at Dotties.
• Shirley Edgerton singing “Can’t Touch This.”
• Shirley Edgerton winning “The Reverend Al Sharpton Look-Alike Contest.”
• Shirley Edgerton telling Andrea Harrington that Frederick Douglass was a talk-show host.
• Andrea Harrington believing Frederick Douglass was a talk-show host.
• The Beacon cinema conducting body searched of patrons, looking for smuggled Good ‘n Plenty.
• An editor at The Boring Broadsheet spiking an news story revealing the truth about a local child-porn ring.

The skits, we are told, were well presented by non-equity actors from the Barrington Stage.

II — Tour Designated Locations

First stop for members was the Dumpster Behind Paul Rich. Earl Persip served as tour guide while he brushed his tooth.  Next, it was on to Lach’s Lounge and a sing-a-long with city councilors practicing the Heimlich Maneuver. Then the troubadours ventured to Hill 78 donned in Hazmat gear. There they waved to nearby, fumed-up grammar school kids. Finally, a joint stop along outer West Street to the homes and neighborhoods of those who have large houses on Onota Lake. This gave academy members proof of the high quality of life in the city’s typical homes and enclaves.

III — Engage in Breakout Activities — Academy members:

• Helped the mayor, school committee, and several councilors turn the pinwheel of a rack upon which a taxpayer had been shackled. They extended the poor bastard’s arms so he can reach deeper in their pockets to pay his tribute.
• Brainstormed new ways for the city to spend needless money, favor Special Interests, and punish law-abiding taxpayers.
• Shot up on heroin, crack, and methadone to gain understanding of the fastest growing segment of the city’s declining population.
• Determined ways the city can invite more drug dealers, group homes, gang members, welfare cheats, and single moms who have had kids by multiple, multiracial fathers to take up residence in Pittsfield.
• Collectively wrote a song praising the Pittsfield Renaissance. They titled it “Hip, Vibrant, and Dynamic.”

At the end of the academy’s four sessions, each participant received a personalized certificate, after which they were shot twice in the head.

The Pittsfield Police Department, we were told, did not suspect foul play.

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“Perfection needs no refurbishing” — Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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