BY DANA VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION FEB. 22-24, 2019) — Through the Secret Squadron, THE PLANET has obtained a copy of a soon-to-be-released press release from the mayor’s office announcing a dramatic new economic development project worth countless millions to the city. Here is the Good News Memo:

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DATE

*** MEDIA RELEASE ***

FROM: ROBERTA PAIDHER DUES, Director Administrative Services, Mayor’s Office, 499-9322.

SUBJECT: Major Economic Development Deal Secured

Mayor Linda M. Tired announced today a major new economic development project that will generate millions of dollars for the city of Pittsfield.

Today at city hall, the mayor, Patrick Miaca, and Berkshire Health Systems signed an agreement to add seven new wings to its psychiatric operations. Ground breaking for Jones 4, Jones 5, Jones 6, Jones 7, Jones 8, Jones 9, and Jones 10 will take place tomorrow on the BHS campus. Mr. Miaca will serve as CEO of the new complex, which will be called “Keeping Up with the Joneses.” The mayor cited Mr. Miaca’s stellar record in the health care industry, especially with his business Nucleus, a company that specialized in falsifying medical records.

“Mental illness, drug addiction, and suicide have been rising so fast in the city that Jones 2 and 3 have not been able to handle the traffic,” the mayor said. “Jones 4 thought 10 will satisfy the needs of the market, bring in hundreds of new jobs, and allow for this exciting, growing, vibrant, and dynamic segment of our great city.” The mayor said the new units will feature “advanced treatments” for “clients,” including the infliction of massive head wounds, naked pickleball, and hot pokers under the skin.

Construction is expected to begin next week. Developers Richie Rich Stanley and David Curveball will act as developers. Contractor Perry Peachtree of Peachtree Construction has been “retained” for the work. The units will cost $20 million apiece. Funding for the $140 million project will come from future tax hikes and borrowing. Although taxpayers will be picking up the bill, under city and state economic “enterprise” provision, the Jones work will be designated a “public-private partnership.”

The mayor announced that the projected costs will be expected to come in over budget because of bribes, kick-backs, false work orders, construction re-dos and what the mayor called “union accommodations.”

1Berkshire, the Berkshire Chamber of Commerce, members of the city council, and local business leaders joined the mayor at the announcement. Berkshire Regional Planning Commission head Gnat Charms said demographic projections would justify adding Jones 11 through 25 within five years. 

1Berkshire spokesman Tieless Foulbunk was effusive in his praise.

“This should address all those naysayers who say the city is fast heading into the porcelain commode,” Foulbunk said. “This proves otherwise. The poorly lit streets, trash, pockmarked roads, prostitution, as well as the recent increase in murders, stabbings, muggings, robberies, break-ins, and other sorts of crime have finally paid off. We hope this silences the critics once and for all. We share Mayor Tired’s vision of a new, dynamic, vibrant, forceful, vigorous, compelling, propulsive, piquant, thrilling, passionate, stimulating, enkindled, enspirited, absorbing, riveting, intoxicating, overwhelming, fascinating, and enraptured city.”

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The Boring Broadsheet, Pittsfield’s local daily, and iBerserkshire published the announcement directly from the mayor’s press kit. They didn’t change a word. They asked no questions. The only medium that questioned the project was PLANET VALENTI. In response, the mayor ordered PLANET publisher shackled to a chair in the basement of city hall, where she said she and other female staffers would later “personally read to Mr. Valenti all 28 volumes of Nikita Kruschev’s Memoirs.” The mayor said the 24/7 reading would be filmed for a future episode of the Netflix sci-fi series Black Mirror.

After the press conference, participants dined at Hotel On North, where they feasted on hummingbird tongues on toast. The event concluded with a mass murder at Persip Park.

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Have a great weekend, everybody.

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“Crazy am I? We’ll see whose crazy” — Colin Clive as Dr. Henry Frankenstein in James Whale‘s “Frankenstein” (Universal 1931).

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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