BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION JAN. 3-5, 2020) — We open this New Year and New Decade with 20-20 vision, a fearless look ahead with THE PLANET‘s Nostra and Damus being once again in celestial alignment. Our predictions have the historical record of being so accurate that they’ve been mistaken for history.

In 2020

• City “leaders” will collectively suffer the delusion that the $600 Tyler Street garbage cans are actually Dayleks from Dr. Who. In reality, they turn out to be salt-and-pepper shakers stolen from long-defunct Spice Restaurant.
• Hotel On North will offer triage in the lobby for gunshot wounds.
• Mayor Linda Tyer will purchase vacation homes in Carmel, Calif., the Riviera, and a suite in NYC’s Dakota Building to go with her Pittsfield and Vail, Colo., holdings. She cites her saving Top Value stamps, collaborative coupon clipping, and skipping lunch. Meanwhile, the city’s snow-and-salt budget will show a deficit of $15,341,236.12. Appraised market value for the mayor’s new properties: $20,563,212.78. Assessed value for tax purposes: $3.15. … and the dish ran away with the spoon.
• In her “State of the City” address, Tyer will announce a new program giving Pittsfield homeowners and small businesses free jars of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly. A new position will be created in the mayor’s office, DOGIBSII — Director of Greasing It Before Sticking It In. A Ms. Shaki-qwa D’neiltifah will he hired as DOGIBSII at a salary of $95,000 after a nationwide search. “She is a woman of color,” Tyer proclaims. At this, a Latina and a Scottsman come back from the dead. Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski will wonder, “Where did it all go?”

• City finance director Matt Kerwood will beat up an elderly couple for non-payment of taxes. He posts bail of three cigarette butts, two discarded lottery tickets, and a bow tie. All charges are dismissed after he awards an $85,000 consultancy contract to a local contractor for … the purpose is not revealed. The request will pass the new council, 9-2 (Connell, Morandi).
• Ward 1 councilor Helen Moon will not miss a single city council meeting, having mistaken them for Australian beach fires. “I am a nurse,” she explains. In her position at the district attorney’s office, Moon will be regularly not seen preparing campaign materials for Andrea Harrington’s next term.
• Ward 2 councilor Kevin Morandi will be cast as barber Floyd Lawson in a Colonial Theater stage production of Mayberry: It Ain’t Pittsfield. Rest of the cast: John Barrett III (Andy Taylor), Kerwood (Barney Fife), Carmen Massimiano (Gomer Pyle), Deanna Ruffer (Aunt Bee), Gerry Doyle (Otis Campbell), Adam Hinds (Opie Taylor), and Tricia Farley-Bouvier (Goober). BTG Artistic Director Kate McGuire, realizing she has a smash hit on her hands, can be heard rejoicing in Stockbridge, where James Taylor writes her a lullaby titled: “Medea, We Hardly Knew Ye.'” Demon director and hubby Eric Hill is seen with Kate spelling out “Suzuki” in smoke rings. Julie Boyd will see this and join the Visitation Sisters in Tyringham, leaving the Barrington Stage board of directors hovering over a Ouija board. The film House of Wax will mysteriously project into the sky, 24/7/365, puzzling everyone.

• Ward 3 councilor Nick Caccamo will get lost driving around Ward 3, an area he hasn’t toured in nearly 10 years.  Nick the Quick will later insist he is Bigfoot of mountain lore.
• Ward 4 councilor Chris Connell has a psychic reading in the house on North and Tyler streets, even though the psychic has moved out. He will learn that in a previous life, he was George Reeves, TV’s Superman. It explains his incessant desire for truth, justice, and the American Way.
• Ward 5 councilor, newbie Patrick Kavey, denies he is a millennial, bought and paid for by the Tyer for Mayor Committee. A court is convened in Methuselah Lounge. Kavey is found guilty as charged. He is promptly rewarded with a job at Hotel on North. A turkey baster will be found in his desk drawer.

• Ward 6 councilor Dina Guiel Lampiasi will fulfill her campaign promise to “see more ‘kid-friendly.'” She will sponsor a bill to provide free hypodermic needles, airplane glue, and handguns to every Pittsfield student. From her position in the district attorney’s office, she will not be seen working full-time on campaign materials for Andrea Harrington’s re-election.
• Ward 7 councilor Tony Maffuccio will prove the phenomenon of deja vu. Everyone will have the feeling he has “been there” before. Asked for a statement Tony utters one word: “Barbalunga.”
• At-large councilor Peter Marchetti will go on the raw juice diet at Kripalu. His husband, however, will sneak him eclairs, fried butter, and beer. Marchetti gets so large he wins two votes on every council issue. He will go through the rest of the year thinking its the Fourth of July. He will find a marching band at the bottom of every can of Bud.

• At-large councilor Pete White will be found to be the inspiration of the movie character Forrest Gump. “Life is like eating at a restaurant posting pictures of your meal on Facebook,” he says. He will spend the next two years staring vacantly at nothing on Allen Street.
• At-large councilor Earl Persip will buy the film rights to The Dumpster Behind Paul Rich. It’s about a toady politician who plays the race card to get elected, rubber stamps everything the administration wants, and turns into a copy machine.

• JIV and Kathy Yon will ax-murder an unknown number of middle school pupils. The school committee will award JIV another retroactive pay raise and tell Yon that she “is the fairest of them all.” A mirror will shatter. Clothes will wrinkle.
• Deanna Ruffer will mistake her department’s budget for her personal checkbook. The error is discovered but overlooked. “It IS her personal checkbook,” says the city’s finance director. An envelope stuffed with unmarked $100 bills starts speaking in tongues.
• Police Chief Mike Wynn will leave for Hollywood to appear in a series of karate films.
• PEDA chief Corydon Thurston will skinny dip in Silver Lake, for which he will receive $80,000.

• The PEDA board will make a major announcement. At the press conference, the board will declare, “Pickles are not made from cucumbers.” Men dance and get drunk. Women weep.
• Developer David Carver will purchase every property on Tyler Street and Dalton Avenue for “low-income housing.” Mayor Tyer reimburses Carver for all expenses. The city council approves, 9-2 (Connell, Morandi).
• Th city will redesign the municipal flag. It will depict an envelope stuffed with unmarked $100 bills on a checkerboard field of black and white.
• Chuck Garivaltis will lead the league in hitting at .406.
• Larry Bossidy will win 21 games.
• Carl Boteze will win 18.
• David Scribner will run into Alan Chartock in Great Barrington. No charges will be filed.

• Terry Cowgill, managing editor of The Edge, will win a Pulitzer.
• Howard Herman of the Berkshire Eagle will find work in the movies as Dan Valenti’s stunt double. It will lead to rumors of bilocation, which both men will deny.
• At the same paper, it will be revealed that Amanda Drane and Heather Bellow are not, in fact, the same person. They will be unmasked as The Doublemint Twins.
• Andy McKeever, late of iBerkshires and now with the D.A.’s office, will report being “tickled” in his new post. “I always wanted to write fiction,” he says.
• Barry Clairmont will open a lemonade stand in front of Cumby’s on First Street. Store Hours: 3:30 a.m. to 3:45 a.m. He makes another fortune.
• Melissa Mazzeo will contest the 2019 mayoral election in court, win, become mayor, and hire Linda Tyer as her administrative assistant. Swords will be beaten into plowshares.

• Warren Dews will write his memoir titled, A Woman Is Only a Woman, but a Good Cigar is a Smoke. The estate of Rudyard Kipling sues. He changes the title to Got to Pay Dews If You Want to Sing the Blue. Ringo Starr sues. Dew changes the title to, Some of My Best Friends Are Colored People.
• Tricia Farley-Bouvier will become a float in the Fourth of July parade.

These happenings and much more await us all. THE PLANET will bring you the coverage you won’t get anywhere else, because no other media has our contacts and sources. Happie Knoo Yeer, everybody.

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“The long river of history runs on, sometimes calm and sometimes rough” — Chinese President Xi Jinping.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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