BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION MARCH 27-9, 2020) — Can we take a break from the COVID-19 wall-to-wall carpeting and enjoy some humor? THE PLANET says yes, and with that we submit news that PEDA director Corydon Thurston will be retiring at the end of April.

Bring on the dancing girls! Let’s hear a chorus of “The Night They Invited Champagne!”

The jokes can be found in the laboring press release PEDA issued announcing the good news.

The release tells us the move comes after Thirsty’s “nine years of leadership.”

• Joke 1: He’s retiring, but how will anyone know?
• Joke 2: The word “leadership.” If you call what Thirsty did for nine years “leadership,” THE PLANET has some fly-infested marshland in Elmsville for sale.

The unintentionally comical release quotes Thirsty calling his years “an incredible journey.” Original meaning of “incredible.” It means “not credible.”

Then, the desperate writer quotes Thirsty: “I’m very proud of our accomplishments.” Note the use of the plural — “accomplishmentS.” Of course, Thirsty didn’t list “accomplishmentS” with an “s.” The best he could come up with? Citing the Berkshire Inundation Center (BIC) “open for business.” Yeah, it’s open for business, all right, but what kind of business?

Could it be more of the “funny business” Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski have gotten so used to, where some fore flushers arrive touting the latest “economic engine?” The next thing you know ol’ Jed’s a millionaire and the Kapanski’s are out millions. The BIC’s price tag, paid for by public dollars without your consent, went from $6 million to $9 million to $11 million to its final price of almost $14 million. Where did the extra millions go? To the dark side of the moon? To sainted residents of a gated community? To feed the hungry and clothe the naked?

Thirsty’s ghosted quote — yeah, like any human being actually talks like that — mentions the table being “set for the growth of Pittsfield’s Innovation Economy.”

Stop us if you’ve heard this one before.

“It seems like the ideal time for my next chapter to begin,” Thirsty intones.

“Pittsfield’s Innovation Economy?” … The “table is set?” … The “next chapter?” God save us all. There aren’t enough exclamation marks in the type case.

After milking the Kapanskis nearly $80,000 a year plus bennies for nine years in a no-show job, Thirsty needs a “next chapter?” What could it be? Being hired by The Lovely Linda as a “consultant” for $95,000?

The release then spills the bad news: “PEDA will remain an independent, quasi-public agency, managed by its 11-member Board of Directors under the leadership [that word again!] of … Chairman Maurice ‘Mick’ Callahan Jr. There are no plans to search for a new part-time director.”

Oh, no, Mr. Bill! Not the dreaded quasi-public/private “partnership.” You know, where the public puts up the dough and the private either takes the profits or, more likely, walks away from the losses and defaults on promises without consequence.

At last, a shred of truth — PEDA finally admits that the job of “executive director” was a joke, not needed. Too bad it cost Pittsfield taxpayers almost a million bucks to pay Thirsty for nine years.

The release says “Michael Coakley, business development manager for the City of Pittsfield, will be appointed PEDA’s interim executive director.” For how much? It doesn’t say, but we do learn that Deanna Ruffer will get to stick her meddling nose into PEDA, with the Department of Community Development taking care of the agency’s “environmental compliance and administrative functions.” Ruffer? Now she’s an environmental expert? As a public servant, Ruffer, a gone gal The Suits wormed back to Pittsfield when The Lovely Linda ousted Dan Bianchi, is a needle stuck on a broken record, playing the same sour notes. Ruffer is to “public service” what a kid’s finger painting is to an original Rembrandt. As for THE PLANET, we’d prefer McGruff, the crime dog, or even Jerry Lewis in “The Bellhop.” France considered him a “genius,” after all.

Coakley? Ruffer? Mr. Do Nothing and Ms. Nothin Doing (nod the the late, great Tim Horgan). As we used to say, “There goes the neighborhood.”

The release gets funnier. Mickster highlights Thirsty’s “notable accomplishmentS,” plural.

• Thirsty “did an incredible job shepherding PEDA and the business park.” How? By counting sheep?
• He “played an integral role” in “the development of … the BIC.” What, that one again??
• He “headed the negotiations with GE, CSX railway, and MassDOT that led the the demolition and reconstruction of the Woodlawn Avenue Bridge.” Alec Guinness built the bridge over the River Kwai in faster time. The bridge to nowhere took forever to build. Callahan notes the vital importance of the bridge as a link to something called “the Tyler Street Business District.” He must mean the Tyler Street Monkey Business District, ripe with poor lighting, $600 trash cans, drug trafficking, prostitution, murder, and Pittsfield’s “armies of the night.”

“We all owe Cory a major debt of gratitude for his tireless efforts,” Mickster sobs.

Yeah? All “we” owe Thirsty is a swift kick in the rump on his way out.

Now the “good news/bad news” joke. Which one do you want first? The good? OK.

The good news is that we finally get rid of Thirsty. The bad news is what the press release calls “[t]he consolidation of PEDA and William Stanley Business Park operations under Coakley and [Ruffer].” Callahan says this “will create more efficiency and the anticipated savings will enable PEDA to preserve more of its capital for economic incentives for future projects at the [b]usiness [p]ark.”

There you have it. The “anticipated savings” won’t come back to taxpayers, the rightful owners, but will be used for more handouts along the lines of EVA Worldwide, WorkshopLive!, Nuclea, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Of course, the “consolidation” will likely create no savings whatsoever. Rather, it will end up costing the Kapanskis. It always does.

The Lovely Linda next slinks into the press release. Now THAT’s funny! Her Halitosis speaks:

“We are thankful to Cory for his dedicated service through the years,” the mayor said, “and we wish him the very best in the next and exciting chapter ahead. The consolidation of PEDA and the William Stanley Business Park will further align and streamline our efforts to advance growth in the City of Pittsfield. It will connect these powerful resources, uniting them for the common goal of growing the city’s economy, providing new job opportunities for our residents and continuing the vital revitalization of Tyler Street and the Morningside neighborhood.”

What a load of the runs. Pure stenchified liquid.

Then the release quotes Coakley, perpetuating the verbal torture:

“Wayfair is a perfect example of a company that was interested in expanding its operations in Pittsfield,” Coakley said. “We showed Wayfair representatives several locations throughout the city, including the Dumpster Behind Paul Rich.”

Okay. He didn’t say “the Dumpster Behind Paul Rich.” In fact, he didn’t cite any examples, probably because there were no such showings. After the nationwide search for a location, Wayfair just happened to convert 40,000 square feet in the — you sitting down? — Clock Tower Building for their sales and service center. And who happens to own the Clock Tower Building?

Folks, they don’t care if you live or die during a pandemic. You think they give a squirt about your money?

Rumor has it that The Suits plan to give Thirsty a testimonial dinner. On the menu, a Chinese dish called Sum Dum Gai, spelled, “Some Dumb Guy.”

Godspeed, Thirsty.

Have a great weekend, everybody.

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“I’ll tell you all kinds of love. Love to put nails in your Savior and cry when he’s gone” — Gun Hill Road.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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