BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY JAN. 29, 2025) — Eight minutes. 480 seconds.

That’s all it took for the Gutless Wonders on the city council to meet and adjourn.

President Peter White, aka Voltron the Porkchop, got the meeting off to a flying start when he brought the gavel down on his left thumb. The severity of the injury was not immediately known. EMTs reported the injury may hamper VTP from extensive playtime with his action figures. Dress-up might also be affected, observers said. We hope it’s not his “exercise” hand.

Ken Warren gummed oatmeal and drooled. Alicia Costa-Plenty’s pussyhat looked beat to spit, and so did she. The other eight Apostles vied for the role of Judas in the city’s endless Passion Play, the one who betrays Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski. THE PLANET‘s prediction: It will be the first Passion Play in history with 11 Judas Iscariots.

The good news, however, is that PLANET LABS installed the prototype of its long-awaited Korrupt-O-Meter®. The device registers in public meetings the level of lying, cheating, deception, duplicity, fraudulence. guile, hot air, disingenuousness, pretense, treachery, artifice, monkey business, hoodwinking, underhandedness, cheating, trickery, double-dealing, funny business, jiggery, pokery, stupidity, brainlessness, dunce dealing, dimness, and other pertinent factors.

Eventually, the Korrupt-O-Meter will do for honesty in government what the light bulb did for nighttime reading.

Your esteemed City Council President.

The Korrupt-O-Meter got its first true test when Mayor Lumpy submitted “an Order” to borrow 1,040,000 “for the construction pf [sic] Taxiway A at the [Bitch]field Municipal Airport.”

Yes, “of” was spelled “pf.”

Rumor has it that Lumpy himself typed up the agenda. It’s likely true, since he was one of the judges at the city’s recent spelling be. At the introduction of the measure, the Korrupt-O-Meter needle went to the extreme right and could advance no further. Seems that another million in debt for YET ANOTHER AIRPORT RUNWAY RE-DO set the device past the red zone.

Just what the city needs. More debt. To keep transparent, the following was communicated: “[T]the sale of any bonds or notes thereunder, less any such premium applied to the fiduciary nonpayment of the costs of issuance of such bonds or notes, may be applied in a rigorously and consciously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care to pay project costs and the amount authorized to be borrowed.

Got it?

And the cow jumped over the moon.

———- ooo ———-

The device next jumped to the “DANGER” setting when it registered the presence of city solicitor Pagnotta. Pags didn’t have to say a word  before the machine kicked into high gear. Some would say this warrants further investigation, but this is Bitchfield, remember? Accountability be damned. Long Live the Maine!

The kownsill also passed a measure that makes it against the law to “leave an available sidewalk, median, crosswalk, center traffic island, of safety island and enter the path of any motor vehicle on a roadway.” True. Seems since the new trash toters debuted, 274 Kapanskis have thrown themselves in front of speeding vehicles. The recent property tax statements as well as the many school scandals have been  factors in this mass exercise of “taking the pipe.”

Kownsilors also passed a measure to make it illegal for any pedestrian to whistle or sing any songs by  Barry Manilow, John Denver, Anita Bryant, Harry Belafonte, Taylor Swift. Disney soundtracks prior to 1964 will also be prohibited, as is calypso and yelling “DAY-O!” in a crowded fire. Violators will be required to enroll in Watusi lessons by the Dancin’ Dean.

At the meeting, it was revealed that 733 tickets were issued for improper use of the new trash toters.  A Ruthian 714 of those citations came from residents stuffing into the receptacles burnt effigies of Mayor Lumpy (312), kownsilors (115), school committee members (121), and school officials (164).

Mayor Lumpy proved the most popular effigy. Besides burn marks, several of Lumpy’s figures showed rope rash around the neck. Several more couldn’t fit into the receptacles. Costa-Plenty asked: “Are the toters were too small or is the mayor too fat?” The question was tabled.

It was the only time the Korrupt-O-Meter calmed into the green.

THE PLANET‘s techies pronounced the device a success.

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Suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you are a city councilor. Ah, but I repeat myself — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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