BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY MARCH 10, 2025) — THE PLANET commends the management of the Colonial Theater for their swift actions following the Dumbocrats Sunday Hootenanny in honor of Sen. Ed Malarkey’s Combover. They hired a fumigator to get rid of the germs so they won’t later affect any innocent theatergoers.

At the event Sunday, speakers touted the politician’s futile attempts to hid his balding dome, calling it a “heroic action in the light of traitorous hair follicles.” A Perry Como Tribute act provided the entertainment.

Consider it Bitchfield’s version of March Madness.

The crowd of luminaries included Jumpin’ Joe Curtis, Tex Behnke, and other figures from the illustrious Bitchfield Sochol Department. Mayor Lumpy was around to hold Malarky’s coat and serve as his footstool. They did a fine job prior to the event filling in Sen. Malarky on the wonderful accomplishments of the local slchoo system:

• Multiple staffers and administrators suspended, on leave, or put in a Casella trash toter because of a plethora of charges including drug dealing, drug possession, sexual harassment, sexual abuse of children, locking special needs children in bathrooms. THE PLANET shall stop there. We don’t have enough photons to list all the charges.
• The clearance of two school administrators of creepy charges by the “independent” investigation done for Beaucoup Bucks by a Springfield law firm. Taxpayers can feel good about the bulk purchase of whitewash from Carr Hardware. The school department will be using whitewash by the barrel in  coming weeks and months.
• The department’s continuing embrace of racist DEI (Didn’t Earn It) policies, which are motivated by acts of segregation based on skin color and sexual “self-identification.”
• It’s endorsement of LGBTQ+LMNOP “safe spaces” at the expense of educational basics such as reading, writing, science, and math.

———- ooo ———-

The Kapanskis, who didn’t have the time or energy to attend Sunday’s rally, earlier had noted the soclho committee’s “passing the buck” decision to replace the outgoing Jumpin’ Joe with an interim superintendent.

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“I think it’s not a secret that we will need to adjust the salary for the position in order to attract top candidates,” she said. “We have had a bargain clearance sale price on that position for a long time.” — School committee member Hathaway, on superintendent’s salary

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Here’s what shlooc committee member Miss Jane Hathaway said (Yes, actual quotes): “I think it’s not a secret that we will need to adjust the salary for the position in order to attract top candidates,” she said. “We have had a bargain clearance sale price on that position for a long time.”

Talk about out of touch. Jumpin Joe, with his online diploma and all, pulls down more than $200,000 a year in salary and bennies, and to Miss Jane, that’s “a bargain clearance sale price.” Klewless.

That tells you that this time around, the soolhc committee won’t just rape the Kapanskis, but they’ll drive them out of hearth and home as well. Say what you want, but the price of incompetence–to say nothing of corruption–keeps going up.

THE PLANET‘s spies on the inside say the FIRST PRIORITY of the new superintendent will be to keep his or her (only two sexes, remember) mouth shut when it comes to the massive fraud that is the slohco department.

You want to know how to change things real fast? Elect four citizens of “common sense” to the school committee and begin cleaning house. It can be done. Make a note of this: THE PLANET recommends a slate of four right-minded candidates to run for the positions later this year. They will be properly funded and, when elected, will begin clearing the debris from the train wreck.

So who wants to run? If you do, we can get you elected.

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“It took me 15 years discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous” — Peter Benchley.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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