BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION DEC. 12-4, 2025) — As THE PLANET was saying …

Gunboat Un-Diplomacy: Under President Trump’s direct orders, U.S. military forces have blasted 22 drug-laden boats out of the Venezuelan waters. Some 86 narco-terrorists have died. The action, made necessary by Joe Biden’s open border policy, shows that in politics, horrible policies have no clean-up. They only have the least abhorrent of a host of bad options. Trump’s actions have been necessitated by Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro’s drug-running activities. Maduro also emptied his country’s prison, sending the nation’s worst criminals to free entry to the United States, courtesy of Autopen. Some of that unknown number of bad actors–the ones who have eluded ICE, often with the help of misinformed domestic do-gooders–continue to circulate in our communities. It’s a mess.

One and Done: Let THE PLANET officially break the news of the city’s worst kept secret. We can report that Mayor Lumpy will not seek re-election in 2027. He’s a one and done. Playing heavily in his decision is the upcoming lawsuit in federal court, where he faces a lawsuit brought by Victoria May. Could Lumpy’s past be catching up with him in a big way? Will he try to reach an out-of-court settlement with May? PLANET sources on May’s side say she’s determined to see it through in court. She’s not interested in the money. She wants revenge, what we call “justice,” for what occurred while the two were employed at Pittsfield Co-Op Bank. Yeah, and with that, there would likely be money for damages. It’s what we used to call a pickle for the mayor.

White Wash: And what of the council president, Voltron the Porkchop, also known as Pete White? Seems that Voltron’s in the midst of a midlife crisis. He finds himself in a Bela Lugosi movie, in a small room with the walls closing in on him. Our spies say Pete #2 recently appealed to one of his “backers” (read: “masters”) looking for help, only to be met by a closed door and a hung-up phone. Trust us. We know the feeling!

Still time to get your copy at Amazon Books or Barnes & Noble Booksellers. Makes a great Christmas gift for that movielover of yours.

Dumpster Days: And what do we make of Dumpster Earl Persip’s recent “safe” comments about the state of Bitchfield public schools. Dumpster walked back his earlier statements expressing outrage over multiple school scandals. Now, it seems, he thinks all is lovey-dovey in the schools. Big D can’t say enough about school supt. Latifah Phillips. Is it because he’s finally found “someone who looks like me?” Could the Duke of Earl be setting himself up for a run at the corner office? THE PLANET can see it now: The Dumpster Behind Paul Rich, which put Earl on the map in the first place, enshrined on an elevated, lighted platform in Park Square. A major tourist attraction, surely.

Alastair Sim as Scrooge. The best of all the versions.

Fractions: The current class of those who seek and win elective office in Bitchfield comprise a bankrupt group. First, they have to win “Blessings.” Once they are vetted okay, they run for seats either unopposed or opposed with one of two types of opposition–those who have no chance and those who are the same as they are. They then believe the fiction that a certain portion of the vote, which is itself a tiny fraction of the total electorate, supplies them with a mandate. Well, 60% of a 15% turnout gives you about 6% of the total electorate. At that level, you’re in the frozen wastes Kavey-Warren-Lampiasi territory, which is to say “nowhere.” Good government is impossible under these conditions.

Season’s Greetings: Here at the Fortress at this time of year, THE PLANET and the Secret Squadron enjoy Christmas programming. Already, we have viewed five versions of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, Elf, two Andy Williams Christmas Specials, two Perry Como specials, and two from Dean Martin. Dino’s the best, with its loose format, ad libbing, and the crooner’s obvious enjoyment of it all. Oh, yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Clause.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

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“Santa Claus? Sure, many contracts have a Sanity Clause” — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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