By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY, AUG. 20, 2014) — “Good” news lies within the inner perceptions, that built-in interpreter of the often harsh outside life that is our heir for the “sin” of being human. What you may find tragic, he may find funny. Your inability to control drinking is his inspiration to write a beautiful poem:

“Drink to me only with thine eyes,

And I will pledge with mine;

Or leave a kiss but in the cup,

And I’ll not ask for wine.

The thirst that from the soul doth rise

Doth ask a drink divine;

But might I of Jove’s nectar sup,

I would not change for thine. 

— Ben Johnson, “To Celia,” (1616)

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It’s All Attitude

And so it has come to pass that THE PLANET shares with you some “bad” news that has many weeping and gnashing teeth but brings us wry amusement and ironic satisfaction. And belly laughs. It’s all attitude. We would, for example, find it hilarious if someone could invent a machine to remove the thumbs of all people aged 18 and under.

Let us go, then, you and we, and share a few examples THE PLANET found in a simple perusal of stories on the Yahoo! home page from yesterday (Aug. 19) and uproarious headlines from the local daily. Speaking of The Boring Broadsheet, THE PLANET later breaks some news. Be prepared.

Side-Splitting Story #1

Talk About Fallin for a Girl

“(Reuters) – A veteran outdoorsman fell to his death on a solo climb at Yosemite National Park in California the same day he proposed to his girlfriend, a newspaper reported.

Brad Parker, 36, of Sebastopol, California, and his girlfriend, Jainee Dial, climbed to the top of Cathedral Peak on Saturday and it was on that trip that she accepted his marriage proposal, the Santa Rosa Press Democrat reported.

Later, Parker set out alone to scale Matthes Crest a few miles away, where other climbers saw him fall from a granite crest on Saturday evening, the newspaper said.”

THE PLANET loves this story. We say to Mr. Parker: “You experienced the discipline of nature, which requires severe consequences for such a mindless daring defiance of the law of gravity. You happy now?”

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S-S Story #2

Is that a Cop or Have the Mutant Ninja Commandos Landed?

From wire.com:

“At a time when tension between police and civilians are at an all-time high, and scrutiny of police tactics have never been greater, police in St. Louis shot and killed a man on Tuesday, just miles from where Michael Brown died. This incident involved a St. Louis Police Department officer, where as Michael Brown was killed by a Ferguson Police Department officer. 

The incident occurred outside of a 5-Star Market just before 1:00 p.m. local time today. According to police, the man was attempting to rob the convenience store and was wielding a knife. The store owner argued with the man and when police arrived, he refused to let go of the knife. He then threatened two officers who fired on the suspect, killing him.”

THE PLANET wonders what ever happened to the time-honored tactic of shooting someone in the leg? Such questions give us infinite intellectual delight, in the manner that we used to enjoy solving math puzzles and ring toss. We also revel in a result that is to be utterly expected as Anytown, USA, continues to arm its police not like Officer Joe Bolton but like urban commandos and storm troopers out of a bad sci-fi film. These local yokels obviously don’t have the proper training. It gives us a sense of balance and appropriate outcome not experienced since the days of running out Blackhawk Films’ Mack Sennet comedies, particularly, The Keystone Kops.

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S-S Story #3

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, and Dumbester

Here are the headlines to two lead stories on Yahoo! Each was given given more play than the new U.S. “invasion of Iraq.” What a knee-slapper! Headline: “How Jennifer Aniston gets bikini-ready” … and “Infamous ‘American Idol’ contestant gets hitched”

THE PLANET finds great solace in these headlines and the stories that go with them. The generation of young idiots we are fast creating through such stories at this “back to school” time provides such a wonderful complement to the laughable curricula of our public schools. With this army of vapid, robotic little consumers with no critical-thinking skills, our future is assured.

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S-S Story #4

It Had to Happen: The BB Is Up for Sale

THE PLANET has buried the biggest story in the middle as our own little jest. Join us in a hearty laugh that The Boring Broadsheet, that Newspaper Formerly Known as The Berkshire Eagle, is on the chopping block. Isn’t it even funnier that THE PLANET, not The BB or any of the other “me-too” local mainstream media, gets to break this story!

All along, THE PLANET has kept you informed of the hilarious demise of the once great local daily. This includes its sale at fire-sale prices in 1995 to Dean Singleton‘s Media News Group following the Miller family’s disastrous experiment in land speculation through bankruptcy and on to its purchase a couple years ago by Digital First Media,which acquired the remaining Media News assets at even fewer pennies on the dollar.

The news came via a press release from the real estate company Twenty Lake Holdings. A total of 51 newspaper buildings and land are on the market, including “Berkshire Eagle Clock Tower, Pittsfield, MA, Office & Land.” Also being offered are the company holdings in Bennington (New England Newspapers, The Banner), Manchester (The Journal), and Brattleboro (The Reformer), Vt.

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The Bicycle Thief, Minus DeSica

In a separate amusement all its own, THE PLANET wonders if we have reached a bit too far beyond the cultural grasp with our headline. Ah, but we digress. In Tuesday’s The BB, we read:

“A city man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail after he admitted to stealing a bicycle from a neighbor’s garage.”

We can remember growing up in the 1950s. Going for blocks all around our neighborhood, we can still recall all the families and their names who formed part of that tight-knit enclave. The Dassattis, The Nollis, The Strelins, The Demarys, The Gregorys, The Massettis, The Paolis, The Serafinos, and on and on. ‘Tis true, that when someone in the neighborhood got sick, my mom would make a meal for them. They returned the favor. There were travelings feasts on Saturday night, when one of the families would host an all night party. The women would be in the kitchen making the food and chatting. The men would be in the TV room or den smoking, playing cards, and telling jokes. At bedtime, all the kids would sleep in various bedrooms, while the laughing and singing continued downstairs.

We remember. Then. We observe. Now.

“Bronx woman gets 2.5 years in prison for Berkshire drug deals” … “Pittsfield shooting victim in intensive care; suspect in custody.” … “Man denies role in dismemberment.” 

That is the biggest, saddest joke of all.

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“We shall not ever meet them bearded in heaven, / Nor sunning themselves among the bald of hell; / If anywhere, in the deserted schoolyard at twilight, / Forming a ring, perhaps, or joining hands / In games whose very names we have forgotten. / Come, memory, let us seek them there in the shadows.” — Donald Justice, “On the Death of Friends in Childhood,” (1960).

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

Example

This