BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, SNOWMAGEDDON + 1, MARCH 15, 2017) — Snow? What snow? You call that a storm? THE PLANET calls it a curiosity.

We stand with Edward Estlin Cummings, who once famously asked, “Where are the snows of yesterday?” He did it in French, and his lovely line of poetry became the most French we learned since The Beatles’ “Michelle” on the Rubber Soul album. Our languages, you see, were Latin, Italian, and German.

As for the white stuff, we haven’t had that much fun in at least three winters. THE PLANET enjoyed a full day outdoors with hiking, sliding, and even a bit of football thrown in for good measure. Speaking of measure, what was the count? A foot? Two feet? 20 feet? Does it matter in today’s weird form of modernity-tech, where any snowfall past two inches creates a media storm?

Why grumble about a day that allows a free upper-body workout? Why worry about the “snowflaking” of America, at least here in the Northeast, whose once-hardy citizens took a day like this and went about business as normal? These “weather wooses” make it all the easier for you to look tough by comparison. Why get all shook up, Elvis, that there might be SNOW … IN mid-MARCH … in THE BERKSHIRES!!!!!? Why, when stout businesses such as Henry’s Electric in Lee opened for its customers?

Guv Dons Flannels, So It MUST Have Been Serious, Right?

As we reported yesterday, snow is now politics. Did anyone happen to see Massachusetts Gov. Charley Baker in one of his two (there were at least two; might have been more) press conferences? Baker appeared before the cameras and microphones dressed in his stage clothes: Dockers, a flannel shirt and vest, and a mug evincing “grim determination” to get the Bay State through this crisis.

“We are employing all of our resources to fight this storm [named Stella, by the way],” Baker intoned solemnly. “All our resources.” The phrase looked particularly odd and misplaced when one noticed the 28 people standing behind him, nodding their heads and otherwise doing nothing. They were stage dressing, human props. What the heck were these bums doing? Why didn’t the Guv put shovels in their hands along with marching orders? Who were these layabouts? Probably department heads, whose main task on a day like this is to stand behind the governor at a press conference and nod their heads. Yeah, and NJ Gov. Chris Christie, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo, and other state honchos did the same thing.

THE PLANET‘s wondering which Pittsfield mayor will be the first to call a press conference because we got SNOW … IN mid-MARCH … in THE FRIGGIN’ BERKSHIRES!!!!!? We doubt it will be The Lovely Linda. Mayor Tyer only calls press conferences for important subjects, such as, to be hypothetical, the announcement of Round 2 of the painting of downtown electrical boxes by hopeless amateurs who can’t paint with the help of Berkshire Money Management, a company that worms its way into the inner circle with lots of cash handouts.

Who Needs Power?

Snowmageddon caused some power outages and 6,000 canceled flights, but who needs power? Computers are wireless, meaning the kids can play Grand Theft Auto until their chunks of coal are content and their mushy brains implode. As for the flights, 5,978 of the 6,000 were to take drunken college students from the here of “here” to the there of Daytona Beach, Fla. It’s spring break, don’t you know. Moreover, with all the talk of snow, Snowmageddon failed to live up to the advanced “Sky is Falling” hype. The Bos-Wash corridor saw snow totals well below prediction.

For the most part, people used their heads. They didn’t need Government’s press releases and press conferences to realize that best-ways for Snowmageddon simply involved staying inside and waiting for the plow guy. Of course, there are always a few in every crowd. For example, In Gilford, NH, a 16-year-old girl died when she lost control of the car she obviously didn’t know how to drive. A tragedy? Sure, but it’s also a simple consequence of a dumb action. She gambled and lost. Never play the game if you aren’t prepared to pay the price.

Besides, wasn’t it 70 degrees two weeks ago? You have to admit, we’ve had a mild winter, just as THE PLANET called it. Spring arrives on Monday.

All in all, Snowmageddon was what Christie called an “underperformer.” Like THE PLANET, Christie knows weather.

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“Snow is where and how you find it. Me? I find it fun.” — Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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