BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY DEC. 15, 2021) — While hiking today, various thoughts did a time step, asking for air. THE PLANET thus responds:

ORBIT BITS

We had a record number of nominees for the Coveted Orbit Award (COA), some of which were of the joke kind such as “Handgun” Moon and the Section 8 Snowman. Now it’s time to winnow it down to the semifinalists. They are:

• City councilor Chris Connell
• Pittsfield’s everyday couple, Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski
• PLANET correspondent Merry and Bright
• PLANET correspondent Thomas More.

If you have a preference for this year’s COA, let us know and we shall forward it to The Committee.

JOKE’S ON THEM

All I know is that if we’re with Gen. Custer at Little Big Horn when he meets up with the tribe, THE PLANET would want to be wearing one of those beanie hats with and arrow, making it look like Cupid or Crazy Horse shot you clean through the head at the temples. We’d put the hat on and play dead. “And just where would you get such a hat,” the Smart-aleck asks. We answer, “Why I’d just saunter down to the Little Big Horn General Store and Joke Shop, the way you used to do at Maiorano’s Driving School and Joke Shop at Fenn and First for joy buzzers, X-Ray specks, and pepper gum.

DONUTS AND IRONY

Speaking of Fenn and First, on the opposite corner rests in peace the vacant lot still owned by Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owner Cafua Management, the largest privately owned D&D franchise in the country. Cafua keeps the lot weedy and derelict save for some preliminary work done on blacktopping and foundation. It does this to serve a little sour cream in Pittsfield’s brew for turning down the company’s request for a drive-in window at the proposed new location.

Pittsfield, it its ever-lovin’ incompetency, turned it down because of “traffic concerns.” Right. And here we are, these many years later, watching Taco Bell chop into the side of rock ledge opposite Berkshire Crossing and build its new location exactly where it should not be — that is, if the council’s concerns about traffic still apply. You have the intersection of Dalton and Hubbard avenues now having to contend with traffic entering and exiting Taco Bell. Now amount of traffic lights will adequately sort through the chaos, which will make it even pleasanter for those poor bastards heading into the city from Berkshire Crossing knowing that after they get through one clusterf**k, they will instantly be entering another at the Coltsville maze. Another RICKY’S RUMBLE?

SPEAKING OF BERKSHIRE CROSSING

Scuttlebutt tells THE PLANET that the north side of the Berkshire Crossings development, anchored by Barnes & Noble bookstore, is running on fumes. Pier One left. Taco Bell is leaving. Bricks and mortar bookstores of the chain-operated kind resemble typewriter showrooms, and the eateries are hurting for wait help, cooks, and customers. Of course, the pandemic isn’t helping anyone. They might want to buy back Allendale’s famous sinking ship.

JAN. 6, 2021

The storming of the U.S. Capitol was the right mirroring the left’s terror tactics post-George Floyd. Face a result you don’t like, and, quick, form a flash mob and start the riot. That the idiots in the Jan. 6 mob chose the Capitol instead of Nieman Marcus and courthouses. Rioting over race vs. Battling over ballots. Does that make a difference? Should it?

Do the do-nothings in Congress deserve more protection than the taxed-to-death, poor, small-business owner who has to stand by while burners and looters destroy his life, with authorities looking on and … doing nothing? The current probe of the Senate Select Committee clearly shows that the protest was wound up and let go from on top and up high, all of it stemming from Donald Trump’s refusal to concede the election. By Jan. 5, 2021, America had already been ripped in two. By Jan. 7, 2021, the actions of Trump, his chief of staff, and others in the Administration guaranteed that the reft not only widen but also be rendered near-unmendable.

Trump’s refusal to concede the election and did enormous damage to our system of government. Then again, that kind of chaos helped elect him in the first place, which is  as much an indictment of Trump as it is the harm done by the corruption of actual, in-it-for-life political hacks — people like Joe Biden, Kam Harris, John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnell.

You would think Trump et. al. would have made themselves unelectable by their criminal abandonment of political equitability, but THE PLANET isn’t sure. Certainly the two sides, acting and talking more blood-thirsty than ever, seem to think the mess only solidifies the fanaticism of their respective backers. That’s the signpost up ahead. Your next stop: More Chaos.

MAXWELL’S SILVER HAMMER

As Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial proceeds in NYC, THE PLANET can’t help but wonder how on earth she can ever get a fair trial. And be clear: She deserves one. She must be presumed innocent, and she deserves every drop of that presumption. Her four accusers were underage at the time, never said peep for years, and only started with accusations after Jeffrey Epstein’s downfall. Now as adults, they as adults come forward with their claims. Jurors need to look closely at the motives of the accusers. The four have admitted troubles with drugs, alcohol, mental illness that severely call into question their credibility. Three of the four also have show-biz and celeb ambitions. How might that factor into what they are doing, money wise, book-deal wise, and cashing-in wise?

Armchair psychiatrist’s analysis: After Epstein’s suicide/murder (PICK ONE), the alleged “victims” feel robbed of their chance at revenge. Maxwell finds herself in the unfair position of bearing the full brunt of Epstein’s actions, with an avalanche of bad press to taint any jury pool. This persecution for prejudgment of Maxwell seems to be about revenge and money more than it is about justice. The silver hammer of irrationality is about to fall on this woman’s head, but what purpose does it serve?

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“Never mistake law for justice” — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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