BITCHFIELD’s ‘TOP 5’
BY DAN VALENTI
PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY
(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE MONDAY FEB. 9, 2026) — As mid-winter passes and we traipse ever-closer to Lent,THE PLANET takes the joyous occasion to recognize the greatness of the seat of Berkshire Country, the Benigno Nominee city of Bitchfield. After exhaustive polling, research, sampling, and contemplation, here are THE TOP 5.
Please note that this compilation must, by definition, remain incomplete. THE PLANET knows there lurk many other Top 5s in the city, to be found in dung-filled alleyways, salted potholes, and unattended streets. We graciously invite readers to add their own Top 5s.
With that, ta-da! :
Top 5 Bitchfield Tourist Attractions:
- The Dumpster behind Paul Rich
- Patrick Kavey’s hair
- Needless bump outs and rotaries on city streets
- The speed bump on Holmes Road
- The secret slush fund kept by the mayor, finance director, and superintendent of schools
Top 5 for FY2027 Pinup calendar
- Lady Boots Yon: Clothes wrinkle and clocks stop
- Alissa Costa-Plenty: Plus sized
- Dumpster Earl: Someone who looks like himself
- Slurpy Warren: Say it and spray it
- Lumpy: Beer-barrell palooka.
Top 5 Bitchfield Songs
- “They Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!”–Napoleon VIV
- “Town Without Pity”–Gene Pitney
- “Put It In Your Mouth”–Akinyele
- “Communication Breakdown–Led Zeppelin
- “City of Doom”–Nebulous U-til
Top 5 Public School Moments
- Dean of Students dispenses drugs at pep rally
- Pictures of administrative private parts circulate freely
- “Independent” audit finds “Nothing to See Here, Folks.”
- Exhaustive search ends with DEI hire for Supt.
- Teachers’ union. That’s it. Just “Teachers’ union.”
Top 5 Films of Bitchfield
- “Bridge on the River Queer”
- “2001 Instances of a Corruption Odyssey”
- “A Crock-o-Lies Brown”
- “They Shoot Mayors, Don’t They?
- “Honey I Grew the Budget”
Top 5 Fashion Accessories
- Depends
- Drool on shirt/blouse collars
- Kufflinks & Bowties
- Strap-ons & Astroglide
- Vibrators & K-Y
Top 5 Days-To-Come in FY26
- May 18, 2026: The opening of Bitchfield mayor Lumpy’s trial in federal court.
- May 19, 2026: Verdict reached by a jury after 4.3 seconds of careful deliberation
- May 20, 2026: Lumpy resigns as mayor to become captain of the Greylock Federal CU Bowling Team.
- May 21, 2026: Council prez Dumpster Earl becomes mayor. He loves that it’s someone who looks like him.
- May 22, 2026: Peter White chokes on a pork chop.
What other Top 5s do you have?
Enjoy.
—————————————————————-
“What’d think? No one will no its missing“–Any government official.
“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”
LOVE TO ALL.
Copyright (c) 2026 By Dan Valenti, PLANET VALENTI and EUROPOLIS MANAGEMENT. All rights reserved. The views and opinions expressed in the comment section or in the text other than those of PLANET VALENTI are not necessarily endorsed by the operators of this website. PLANET VALENTI assumes no responsibility for such views and opinions, and it reserves the right to remove or edit any comment, including but not limited to those that violate the website’s Rules of Conduct and its editorial policies. Those who leave comments own all the responsibilities that are or can be attached to those comments, be they rhetorical, semantic, or legal. Such commentators remain solely responsible for what they post and shall be and remain solely accountable for their words. PLANET VALENTI shall not be held responsible for the consequences that may result from any posted comment or outside opinion or commentary as provided in, but not limited to, Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act and this website’s terms of service. We serve as a marketplace of ideas, without prejudice and available to all. All users of this site — including readers, commentators, contributors, or anyone else — hereby agree to these conditions by virtue of this notice and their use of/participation in this site. When PLANET VALENTI ends with the words “The Usual Disclaimer,” that phrase shall be understood to refer to the full text of this disclaimer.
Level 5 public schools
5-percent spending hikes
“5” NDA’s in 2025
“5” pot permits settlements in 2024
The SYNTHETIC “high 5”
JON
Looks like no one else has any imagination left. Jess you, man. Thanks.
Dan, who signs off on building a tens of millions of dollars “baseball stadium” when the price of building materials is at its highest point EVER? Who does this as taxpayers are BEGGING for relief? Why would a city council president, the guy who is supposed to represent the taxpayers against such asinine foolishness, get right out in front of this? Is this his litmus test for mayoral good old boy backing? Testing to see if he can pass the loyalty test?
Whatever happened to the dire need for new police station? Seem to remember a story saying the police were crammed in like sardines in an outdated falling apart building with mold and rats and ghosts.
Somehow this ballpark thingy has been prioritized as a need more important than a new police station that was whined about ad nauseum for years?
Anything to do with corporate welfare? Why aren’t the real operators of this stadium chipping in? Will the taxpayers have ANY say in how it is used?
Could we put on a short notice, a public vote as to which we think is more important to the taxpayers?s Stadium for Goldkang or a long needed Police Station? Surely there are more important things tens of millions of taxpayer dollars could be used for during a time of high inflation and every family cost skyrocketing.
Could Marchetti or any city councilors address this question please? And will silence on their part and the part of investigative media tell us all we need to know?
DD
Who signs off? Corrupt, out-of-touch, incompetent, owned politicians, that’s who.
Please ask the career Pittsfield politicians to lead by example by giving up at least 50-percent of their public pay, public pensions, plus perks before spending tens of millions of taxpayer-dollars on the Wahconah Park boondoggle, the city’s wastewater plant boondoggles, and the $100 million new Level 5 public school.
Then do the same when Earl and the 2-Pete’s Pittsfield politics pounds people’s purses with their upcoming fiscal year 2027 (July 01, 2026 – June 30, 2027) municipal operating budget.
The New Crosby will make the Ballpark seem like a bargain. It’s bad enough it is not needed, the crazy bastards want it to be “Green” and use no Fossil Fuels. The “Green” is coming from us taxpayers.
“Green” has morphed for a praiseworthy concern for planetary health to what it is in a state like MA, a $$ scam. It’s Expensive and it doesn’t work.
No such a thing as Green Energy. All energy is destructive to nature. When you generate energy, you consume stored energy (nature).
Ask Mad T. He knows better.
Closest thing to Green is Nuclear Power. Libatards rather have Battery Storage Facilities.
trump is bringing back coal. that should make you happy.
But nuclear produces heat pollution – boils rivers. And the uranium mining is highly destructive and the waste as well.
No such a thing as green energy – there is only conservation which tends to be based on personal behavior.
Yep. And in my day, we hated nukes; now the progressives love them.
Let’s get rid of the sun charlie. Bad sun. Bad, bad, bad sun.
One day you may actually score a point, if not get a chuckle; but I see they are behind you.
In fact, there are nuts who are actually pumping sulfur dioxide into the upper atmosphere. The SO2 compounds reflect sunlight, and the intention is to cool the planet. It will do that, as well as acidity the lakes and rivers and compromise vegetation. A cool planet absent sunlight may be a dead one.
Note the first sentence: “All options have trade offs”. There’s the crux of my point. When latter day “environmentalists” admit this fact, meaningful environmental policy may actually happen.
https://csl.noaa.gov/news/2023/390_1107.html
My Top 5 Bitchfield Pubic Scohol Moments:
(1) Misspelling “School” when painting the “Scohol” zone on East Street.
(2) Close up photos of Allison Sheppard’s, “Sheppard’s Pie,” to be viewed by all.
(3) An Expired Dance Certificate earned a $100K a year Admin. Position
Da Dancin’ Dean, LaVonte Wiggins, allegedly moved and sold large quantities of cocaine, while on the clock at PHS.
(4) Chronic Absenteeism-in 2025, almost half of Bitchfield Pubic Scohol students were absent 18 or more days.
(5) Bitchfield taxpayers shelled out over $150,000, for a shoddily investigated, multiply redacted, school report dealing with child predators, aka-pedophiles, that stated, “nothing (really, wink/wink) happened.”
Bitchfield taxpayers paid a DEI Law Firm over $150k, to protect child predators-let that sink in.
For your pinup calendar Dan, may I suggest adding (recently demoted) CC VP Pete “Wimpy” White, as the centerfold? Wimpy wanted to be caught in his “working element.”
So, he proposed to wear his Chewbacca costume sans the bottoms, one hand with a white-knuckle, death grip, on his lightsaber, and the other hand clutching a fork, about to sink it into a large helping of lasagna.
I think it’s a win-win.
Not just a win-win, MARK. It’s a win-win-win. Phunny stuff. Thanks! The Sochol debacle had to have its own, dedicated list.
Bitchfield’s
(5) Families
The Unions
The Politicians
The Local Media
The Non Profits
The GOB’s
And her lover.
What a flick!
Pittsfield Public Schools Top 5 Accomplishments! 1) Despite a 2,143 student exodus since 2001 (# from DOE site) still maintaining 14 Schools and still managed to raise the Budget. 2) Despite declining enrollment, are going forward with a new 100+ Million dollar School. 3) Going to employee 2 Principals for said School. 4) Managed to have 3 Elementary Schools where 88% of the Students are NOT proficient at Math. 5) Despite all of the scandals and the Dancing Dean, the new Superintendent is doubling down on DEI bullshit. Insanity. Merit, Accountability and Results.
Ya nailed it, JOE
Actually wanna build a whole new school too. The newer the schools the smarter the kids. Best way out of a level five rating is new facilities. Everybody knows that.
What was the number of teachers that bailed the Pittsfield system since the Dancinggate coverup?
Has anybody seen the filthy English translation of what the “Rotten Rabbit”, NBC/NFL hired, to sing in Spanish at Superbowl halftime?
https://genius.com/Genius-english-t…a-and-ricky-martin-english-translation-lyrics
Then there was also Rodent’s repeatedly grabbing he/she/it’s crotch, and two Queers dry humping each others legs.
Good wholesome stuff for America’s children……….
I can remember decades ago Mercer couldn’t be a school anymore. Mercer still stands?
Who said?….Grab them by the pussy.
Good stuff for “the children” (Epstein Files).
I think he was once friends with the Clintons back in the old days, too.
His Vice President is called Lazy Boy Lover.
He wants to Make America Germany Again and sounds a lot like Adolf Hitler.
He has profited by billions of dollars in 2025 – early 2026 while we pay for his tariffs and inflation.
He wants to manage the 2026 midterm elections.
I hear he looks like an orange with Cheetos arms and legs with swollen ankles.
JM, were You more excited by Bad Bunny repeatedly groping his crotch, or the two guys dry humping each other?
Kid rock wanted to bang the Olsen twins when they were fourteen. Look up the quote dude. Could not understand why is was not legal.
Top 5 Perks of Living in Pittsfield
1) school choice
2) MASS MoCA
3) free garbage cans
4) hot dog rivalries
5) roads
1) PCBs
2) Social Services Alley
3) Free Cash
4) Cooked Books
5) The Underclass