BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY MAY 20, 2026) — Make mine a Harvey Wallbanger, bartender.

THE PLANET can’t say for sure how many Harveys get served at the former Crossroads Tavern, now known with the bougie name of Bei Tempi (BT), which is Latin for “swine’s snout.” We do know that the Bitchfield licensing board once again hauled the establishment into its Star Chamber for allegedly serving a 19-year-old. Forget that back in the day, young people could imbibe upon turning 18. Happy days were here again. Prior to that, it was pile into a car, head over “the mountain,” and end up at the Showboat.

Seems that the mother of a 19-year-old girl lodged a complaint against BT. The mutha claimed her sweet angel had been served booze at BT 10 times. This, according to Brittany Polito’s story in iBerkshires, is the same mom who complained to the board about her girl-gone-wild slurping drinks at Iztac Mexican Restaurant. The board lowered the boom on Iztac for not being a good “parent.” Or something like that.

THE PLANET has just one question for mom: “Mutha, why is it the bar’s job to parent your tipsy kid?”

Momma, the moment you decided do push another one out,  you, not taxpayers, not a barroom–are responsible until the brat turns 18. The girl in question is 19. So don’t go complaining to taxpayers through the licensing reps that your girl decides to drink.  That’s her right, by the way, and it’s at this point THE PLANET introduces a concept that’s gone away as surely as typewriters and Whiteout. We speak of consequences.

The drinking age is 21. The girl is 19. If she broke the law, go after her. … and mutha, leave the board out of it.

———- ooo ———-

It would appear that mom has lost control of her wild thing, and to expect BT to be her June Cleaver surrogate is asking a tad too much.

A 19-year-old tossing them down– THE PLANET is shocked. Shocked.  The licensing board “decided”–not for the first time, not for the second time, and not for the third time–not to decide on BT’s fate, postponing the matter to June 29. What leadership!

And who might these good folks be?

C’mon down, Tom Campoli, chair; Dennis Powell, vice chair; Kathy Amuso, Jon Lifvergen, Kevin Sherman, former council president and juror on the panel for which THE PLANET served as foreman. Campoli, another old friend, used to appear occasionally on WBRK‘s The Dan Valenti Show as our legal eagle.

“You’ve been here before us before,” Amuso told owner Elizabeth Zucco, quoted by Polito. “One of the things that you were putting into place was the machine to check IDs. You see the video, and it’s not busy that time, and [the doorman] is not checking IDs with the machine. It’s bothersome to me.”

THE PLANET reminds Amuso that she, too, has “been before taxpayers before,” as a political retread content not only to clog up the do-nothing council again but also skate into an ethical conflict of interest by simultaneously serving on the licensing board. Quoting Joe Kapanski, “It’s bothersome to me.”

———- ooo ———-

Poor Elizabeth Zucco must feel at such harassment that she’s in the 1942 film The Mad Monster starring the great George Zucco: “A mad scientist changes his simple-minded handyman into a werewolf in order to prove his supposedly crazy scientific theories – and exact revenge (IMBD.com).”

We asked around, and from what THE PLANET can ascertain, Bei Tempi does its due diligence in carding anyone but seniors. Bei Tempi’s lawyer Ken Ferris spoke as the voice of reason: “We’re trying to say to you that Bei Tempi does what they’re required to do, which is card people. If people have fake IDs, I don’t know what they can do about that, and their position is that there was a fake ID that these girls got in.”

Girls. Plural. Interesting.

Wild girl’s mom: “My daughter had started drinking and hanging out with friends, and I had seen her car at Bei Tempi a couple times, and then I was on social media [of course she was!], I believe it was Snapchat, and it was a live picture, and she was inside the bar.”

THE PLANET TO MOM: Honey, that’s not Elizabeth Zucco’s problem. It’s not Elizabeth Zucco’s husband’s problem. It’s not Bei Tempi’s problem.

Whose problem is it?

Gotta mirror?

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“I’m not at thing as you drunk I am” — Otis Campbell.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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