By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, TUESDAY, FEB. 24, 2015) — With the impending lunar surface that comprises the mileage of Pittsfield roads, side streets, and byways about to get more pothole ravaged with March looming, THE PLANET has heard you.

Unlike the buffoons running city government, THE PLANET cares about you. We have heeded your calls for The Big Red Magic Pothole Machine to be activated. You remember The Machine. The city paid a quarter million for it several years ago, and since that time, it has been rusting out in a location as unknown as the mayor’s new Global office.

But THE PLANET got to work. We got on the blower and demanded that The Bumstead Administration activate TBRMPM at once, or THE PLANET would stop with the “kid gloves” treatment. Mayor Daniel Bumstead immediately complied.

Of course, this being the most inept Administration in memory and perhaps in city history, they screwed up. Instead of revving up TBRMPM, Pittsfield Highway Department director Kevin Swail (rhymes with “fail”) confused the machine with a large, black, fighting bull. This occurred after Swail conferred with the mayor and also the pant load who occupies the office of and pretends to perform the duties of city personnel director. That would be John “The Sheffield Shuffler” DeAngelo.

The reports of the incident are sketchy, but based on our investigation and culling from wire services, here’s the timeline of what appears to have happened.

10:50 a.m. — Mayor Bumstead reports early to work. Yes, 10:50 in the morning is early for the mayor in his “performance” as mayor. Bumstead reads PLANET VALENTI and learns of the city’s horrible job on the roads. It is an unwanted revelation to him. After cursing Dan Valenti‘s brilliant reporting, the mayor calls Swail.

10:58 a.m. — Bumstead calls the Highway Department. He orders Swail to fire up TBRMPM. Swail doesn’t know where it is.

11:05 a.m. — Bumstead leaves the corner office (total time for the day, 14 minutes 38 seconds) for his private gig at Global Energy (offices located in a new “mystery” office, location unknown but rumored to be downtown, part of the continued Renaissance there). At nearly 15 minutes in the office, it is one of the longest “days” Bumstead has put in during his three-plus years in office.

11:15 a.m. — Swail personally goes to the city yard to “fire up” TBRMPM. Unable to locate it, he enters a nearby barn and orders his workers to bring out a large, black, angry, fighting bull. The workers refuse to touch the beast. They tell Swail that the bull is not TBRMPM. Problem: Swail’s only “highway” experience is limited to the city Water Department. Because of the actions committed by and in that crack unit, citizens and taxpayers fell victim to an overtime scandal that amounted to “highway robbery.” Swail, his “highway” pride wounded, insists the snorting bull IS the TBRPRM. The workers walk away and try to reason with a nearby waffle iron, figuring they will have more luck. It doesn’t work.

11:27 a.m. — Swail calls The Sheffield Shuffler, asking him to leave his two Big Macs, two Supersized fries, Supersized chocolate milkshake, and dozen-donut lunch to come to the city yard.

11:39 a.m. — The Shuffler arrives. Swail asks him if the bull is TBRMPM. Shuffler, fearing for his job and wondering what the mayor would want him to do, says, “Yes, that is The Big Red Magic Pothole Machine.” It is still unclear if The Shuffler is that dumb or if he says that because he’s the mayor’s toady and guesses that is what Bumstead would want him to say.

11:57 a.m. — The bull is loaded onto a city truck and taken to Elizabeth and Henry Avenue. There, Swail jumps on its back.

12:01 p.m. — The enraged bull throws Swail gores him in the sphincter, and promptly marches to the corner office, submitting his resignation. THE PLANET‘s Roving Photographer just happened to be at Elizabeth and Henry when the action occurred. Here is the exclusive picture:

“The Big Red Magic Pothole Machine” finds the Swail sphincter. Collingwood calls it “a crack operation.”

12:32 p.m. — Back at city hall, The Shuffler orders a second lunch. He tries to reach the mayor, who is nowhere to be found.

12:50 p.m. — Swail goes back to the city yard, eschewing the hospital. He does not sit down. We can call him a “stand-up” guy. Even though he was there, Collingwood calls and asks about the incident, hearing it has something to do with “the colon.” Here is a partial transcript of the call:

C: What the hell happened?

S: I took out TBRMPM.

C: How the hell did you get horned in the ass?

S: I meant to do that. (CLICK)

 ——– 000 ——–

That is as much as we know as of press time.

Wait! The wirephoto machine is going. What just came through is a second photograph. We close by sharing it with you.

Bruce Collingwood, left, tries to downshift on “TBRMPM” at the corner of Elizabeth and Henry in Pittsfield. Kevin Swail, meanwhile, gets the point. Notice how clean the roads are. No snow to be seen except for the usual snow job.

Well, it appears that comissioner Collingwood was present and fully aware of what was happening. Welcome to Pittsfield, where “the bull” is always running.

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“A year has passed since I wrote my note, but I should have known this right from the start. Only hope can keep me together. Love can mend your life, but love can break your heart.” — The Police, “Message in a Bottle.”

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.