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WITH POTHOLES LOOMING, CALL GOES OUT FOR ‘THE BIG RED MAGIC POTHOLE MACHINE,’ BUT WHAT SWAIL SELECTS IS A LOTTA BULL (AN ALLEGORY)

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By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, TUESDAY, FEB. 24, 2015) — With the impending lunar surface that comprises the mileage of Pittsfield roads, side streets, and byways about to get more pothole ravaged with March looming, THE PLANET has heard you.

Unlike the buffoons running city government, THE PLANET cares about you. We have heeded your calls for The Big Red Magic Pothole Machine to be activated. You remember The Machine. The city paid a quarter million for it several years ago, and since that time, it has been rusting out in a location as unknown as the mayor’s new Global office.

But THE PLANET got to work. We got on the blower and demanded that The Bumstead Administration activate TBRMPM at once, or THE PLANET would stop with the “kid gloves” treatment. Mayor Daniel Bumstead immediately complied.

Of course, this being the most inept Administration in memory and perhaps in city history, they screwed up. Instead of revving up TBRMPM, Pittsfield Highway Department director Kevin Swail (rhymes with “fail”) confused the machine with a large, black, fighting bull. This occurred after Swail conferred with the mayor and also the pant load who occupies the office of and pretends to perform the duties of city personnel director. That would be John “The Sheffield Shuffler” DeAngelo.

The reports of the incident are sketchy, but based on our investigation and culling from wire services, here’s the timeline of what appears to have happened.

10:50 a.m. — Mayor Bumstead reports early to work. Yes, 10:50 in the morning is early for the mayor in his “performance” as mayor. Bumstead reads PLANET VALENTI and learns of the city’s horrible job on the roads. It is an unwanted revelation to him. After cursing Dan Valenti‘s brilliant reporting, the mayor calls Swail.

10:58 a.m. — Bumstead calls the Highway Department. He orders Swail to fire up TBRMPM. Swail doesn’t know where it is.

11:05 a.m. — Bumstead leaves the corner office (total time for the day, 14 minutes 38 seconds) for his private gig at Global Energy (offices located in a new “mystery” office, location unknown but rumored to be downtown, part of the continued Renaissance there). At nearly 15 minutes in the office, it is one of the longest “days” Bumstead has put in during his three-plus years in office.

11:15 a.m. — Swail personally goes to the city yard to “fire up” TBRMPM. Unable to locate it, he enters a nearby barn and orders his workers to bring out a large, black, angry, fighting bull. The workers refuse to touch the beast. They tell Swail that the bull is not TBRMPM. Problem: Swail’s only “highway” experience is limited to the city Water Department. Because of the actions committed by and in that crack unit, citizens and taxpayers fell victim to an overtime scandal that amounted to “highway robbery.” Swail, his “highway” pride wounded, insists the snorting bull IS the TBRPRM. The workers walk away and try to reason with a nearby waffle iron, figuring they will have more luck. It doesn’t work.

11:27 a.m. — Swail calls The Sheffield Shuffler, asking him to leave his two Big Macs, two Supersized fries, Supersized chocolate milkshake, and dozen-donut lunch to come to the city yard.

11:39 a.m. — The Shuffler arrives. Swail asks him if the bull is TBRMPM. Shuffler, fearing for his job and wondering what the mayor would want him to do, says, “Yes, that is The Big Red Magic Pothole Machine.” It is still unclear if The Shuffler is that dumb or if he says that because he’s the mayor’s toady and guesses that is what Bumstead would want him to say.

11:57 a.m. — The bull is loaded onto a city truck and taken to Elizabeth and Henry Avenue. There, Swail jumps on its back.

12:01 p.m. — The enraged bull throws Swail gores him in the sphincter, and promptly marches to the corner office, submitting his resignation. THE PLANET‘s Roving Photographer just happened to be at Elizabeth and Henry when the action occurred. Here is the exclusive picture:

“The Big Red Magic Pothole Machine” finds the Swail sphincter. Collingwood calls it “a crack operation.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12:32 p.m. — Back at city hall, The Shuffler orders a second lunch. He tries to reach the mayor, who is nowhere to be found.

12:50 p.m. — Swail goes back to the city yard, eschewing the hospital. He does not sit down. We can call him a “stand-up” guy. Even though he was there, Collingwood calls and asks about the incident, hearing it has something to do with “the colon.” Here is a partial transcript of the call:

C: What the hell happened?

S: I took out TBRMPM.

C: How the hell did you get horned in the ass?

S: I meant to do that. (CLICK)

 ——– 000 ——–

That is as much as we know as of press time.

Wait! The wirephoto machine is going. What just came through is a second photograph. We close by sharing it with you.

Bruce Collingwood, left, tries to downshift on “TBRMPM” at the corner of Elizabeth and Henry in Pittsfield. Kevin Swail, meanwhile, gets the point. Notice how clean the roads are. No snow to be seen except for the usual snow job.

Well, it appears that comissioner Collingwood was present and fully aware of what was happening. Welcome to Pittsfield, where “the bull” is always running.

——————————————————————————————

“A year has passed since I wrote my note, but I should have known this right from the start. Only hope can keep me together. Love can mend your life, but love can break your heart.”The Police, “Message in a Bottle.”

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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Jonathan Melle
Jonathan Melle
6 years ago

Pittsfield politics potholes patrol. Mayor Dan Bianchi is working two jobs, while the Kapanski family is paying their taxes to fill Pittsfield’s potholes. Will Bianchi fill the potholes?

dusty
dusty
6 years ago

Funny stuff.

There seems to be a big puddle under the guy in red. I would be pissing my pants too if i were in that situation.

Discreet Cat
Discreet Cat
6 years ago

Maybe the dude riding in the red city vehicle (with window down) can step out and fill some potholes. He looks like a kid. A Veteran can’t be hired to drive around the city burning gas at taxpayer expense?

CraigS
CraigS
Reply to  Discreet Cat
6 years ago

Was that the “kid” who got in a bar brawl and was “going to be a cop”?

” An aspiring cop challenged a Pittsfield police officer to a fight outside a city bar over the weekend, according to law enforcement officials.

Shaun Courtney, 24, a Pittsfield parking control officer, was charged with trespassing and disorderly conduct in connection with Sunday’s incident at the Home Plate, an East Street bar.

Courtney, who denied all charges Monday, is free on personal recognizance and due back in District Court for a Feb. 24 pretrial hearing.

Courtney works for parking superintendent Francis Annello, who didn’t return a phone call or e-mail seeking comment Monday. Personnel Department officials declined to respond to questions about Courtney’s employment status and deferred comment to the mayor’s office, which directed all inquires to city solicitor Richard M. Dohoney.

“I can confirm that he is an employee,” Dohoney said of Courtney.

But the attorney couldn’t say whether the parking officer is facing any disciplinary action by the city.

“Employees have privacy rights that we have to protect,” Dohoney said.

It remains unclear whether Courtney has returned to his job, ticketing motorists who park illegally on city streets.

Courtney was represented by attorney Mark T. Brennan, who couldn’t be reached for comment.

Police were called to the Home Plate just after 2 a.m.

Sunday for a report of a patron who wouldn’t leave after the bar had closed for business.
Officers Christopher Whitney and Michael Murphy said they encountered Courtney at the rear of the bar, where a staff member had blocked Courtney from re-entering through a back door.

Bar owner Francis Mangiardi told police that Courtney stated “he was going to be a police officer and was on the Civil Service list.”

When the officers confronted Courtney, they claimed he refused to give his correct name, first calling himself “Mike” then “Robert Horne.” Police said the latter is the name of a dispatcher for the Pittsfield Police Department.

Police offered to give Courtney a ride home, while Mangiardi offered to pay for a taxi. But Courtney said he was “going back into the bar to finish drinking,” according to a report by Whitney.

Police said the situation grew tense when Courtney began staring at Whitney’s gun, then allegedly stated, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to get your gun.” Courtney then shifted his focus to Murphy, telling the officer, “I’m bigger than you. You want to tassle [tussle]?” police said.

After Courtney assumed a “fighting stance,” police said, the officers cited Courtney’s “challenging and aggressive manner” as sufficient grounds for an arrest. Courtney continued to be uncooperative back at the police station, prompting officers to halt the booking process several times.

Courtney blew a kiss at Whitney as officers attempted to take Courtney’s mugshot, police said.

Scott
Scott
Reply to  CraigS
6 years ago

CraigS, this man sounds like a fine candidate for the PPD! Give him a break writing tickets is tough work and he needs to blow off some steam at the end of the day at one of the various downtown watering holes. I can also attest that the older guy behind the bar is a jerk off, he served me a beer once then asked for my ID just as I was about to take a sip. So I went back another time ordered a beer and said don’t you want to see my ID? I showed it to him and then stated I change my mind I don’t want the beer. That place is a dive they play favorites late at night I’ve been in there after hours plenty of times. They lock the back door and let regulars in and out until dawn. At least ten years ago that’s how it was. I can also say that I’ve seen the same guy get assaultive with people on a couple occasions as well as regular patrons. Always seemed like they were itching for confrontation in there. Good examples of why I don’t frequent local bars. The people and atmosphere is repulsive. I guess I’ve developed a little class.

Time Warp
Time Warp
Reply to  CraigS
6 years ago

City solicitor Richard M. Dohoney?
When did this incident happen?
Dohoney hasn’t been solicitor in years.

How old is Courtney now? In his 30’s?

I thnk this happened a long time ago and what does it have anything to do with the pot hole machine?

???

Ed McClelland
Ed McClelland
Reply to  Discreet Cat
6 years ago

Is there more than one red suv issuing parking tickets uptown ? If there is why can’t one of them be deployed to other areas of the city to enforce parking regulations on side and other streets. The PPD obviously has other priorities as there is little or no parking enforcement, and violations are rampant; things like too close to fire hydrants, too close to intersections and driveways, parking on the wrong side of the street, ignoring no parking signs, blocking traffic lane, parking on street during snow emergency, etc.

nostrodumbass
nostrodumbass
6 years ago

If we were told that the city is going to spend a quater of a million dollars on this machine and then it would be stashed in the deep dark recesses of the bowels of Pittsfield to become a rust bucket would we have stood for wasting this tremendous amount of taxpayer money?

The city council sitting in their arrogant high chairs voted to buy this damn thing promising that pot holes in Pittsfield would be a thing of the past. Apparently no one knows how to use it. No one even read the manual or received instructions on how to use it. The city works prefers the old method of putting 10 guys on a truck to fill one hole.

When the subject of raises for these buffoons came up at council chambers we were told that we need to pay them tons of money so as insure quality managers. One city councilor even spoke into a live mic that we have to pay them more so they won’t steal from the city “they will pay themselves one way or another”.
You can’t make this stuff up.

Probably the only one with enough sense to know this machine was a waste of taxpayer money was Joe Nichols. Possibly Melissa Mazzeo before she sold her soul to Pittsfield’s dark evil forces.

Someone made a shit load of money on this pot hole machine cash grab scam.

The inmates are running the prison.
Remember: It is your civic duty to pay your taxes.

spagirl
spagirl
6 years ago

Don’t miss the show tonight in the Chambers. Pinnochio ain’t got nothing on the Spin Master.The backroom has been busy for a week getting the story straight…..

CraigS
CraigS
6 years ago

Pardon my ignorance, who is “The Sheffield Shuffler”?

Remington Steele
Remington Steele
Reply to  CraigS
6 years ago

the sheffield shuffler is john de angelo pittsfields personel director…he lives in sheffield..another of “The out of Towners”..thats the new play being written about pitts. dept head and mgrs.

Discreet Cat
Discreet Cat
6 years ago

This dude was taking a right turn ( no signal) and had his window rolled down?

Shelly Liver
Shelly Liver
6 years ago

Pinnochio, good one! I see why.

Tempers Flare
Tempers Flare
6 years ago

Seems like it was an aberration. Yeah, that’s what it was,yup.

Nota
Nota
6 years ago

After listening to the musical chairs….I thought I was in Kansas for a moment.

Bea Breef
Bea Breef
6 years ago

The highway guy sounds like he’s from out of town. propbably has seen cold weather like this where he came from.

Nota
Nota
6 years ago

Plain and simple.. Now after hearing all sides including the City Clowncil, I’m more confused than ever.

Nota
Nota
6 years ago

According to Commish Woody, our Contractors are feeling Fat and Happy.

Nota
Nota
6 years ago

I hope Barry tells them there full of shit.

AlaskanBushClowns
AlaskanBushClowns
6 years ago

I like the diamond earring. I do!

AlaskanBushClowns
AlaskanBushClowns
6 years ago

TES isn’t coming clean. Seems like he’s making Woody and Tex take the fall.

spagirl
spagirl
6 years ago

Why can’t the Mayor, Collingwood, and Swain just accept the fact that nothing was done right throughout that Holiday Storm Weekend, instead of bold face lieing, and, insisting…This is without a doubt just affirming that the wrong people are steering the ship. After all Pittsfield Citizens…you got it wrong…wrong, wrong…you are all wrong according to the Bunch of Dipshits. Sickening.

spagirl
spagirl
6 years ago

Swail correct spelling.

spagirl
spagirl
6 years ago

Three Stooges….quite the show.

AlaskanBushClowns
AlaskanBushClowns
6 years ago

Spa girl? the earring…you like?

spagirl
spagirl
Reply to  AlaskanBushClowns
6 years ago

Lol…..

spagirl
spagirl
Reply to  AlaskanBushClowns
6 years ago

Alaskan, That’s to divert your attention…Lol

Tito
Tito
6 years ago

Colonworth looks bored?

Tourtière
Tourtière
6 years ago

From the start they dropped the ball.Its all a lie they NEVER pre treated this year Ever!!!!!!!!!!!! Ask any of the workers. Their paints should be burning up. What a web of lies they tell. FYI Swail is from Kentucky.

Discreet Cat
Discreet Cat
6 years ago

AH….The Kentucky Colonel!

Discreet Cat
Discreet Cat
6 years ago

Seems like a nice guy!

amandaWell
amandaWell
6 years ago

Again, the Planet will take to the airwaves to rehash the vague transparency given again by the Tes administration, to spread transparency again, with sunshine as a disinfectant, along with truth.

Guess what
Guess what
6 years ago

I was told the half of these guys were up on the lake preparing, clearing the way and setting up the swimming pool that walmart donated for the big event – the plunge.