BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 29-MAY 1, 2016) — The Suited head- scratchers in Pittsfield recently conducted a conference addressing the question of how to attract and retain Millennials (is it a proper noun?) to and in Pittsfield. THE PLANET isn’t sure if any public money went into this navel-gazing-by-committee, but we can tell you that the resources for the events were a waste, excepting the fancy vittles and refreshments. We didn’t attend, but we had The Secret Squadron there.

The “new” college student.

How do you keep millennials in Pittsfield? Who cares? Or, to put it another way, who the heck are “the millennials?” They are the degeneration of the spawn-chain that began with The Greatest Generation that linked The Baby Boomers, Gen X, then Gen Y. Technically, a millennial is anyone born in 1982 and thereafter up to 2012.

How Do you Spot a Millennial?

Millennials are easy to spot. As everyone who has ever escaped owning a cell phone in middle school know, millennials are lazy, dumb, stupid, vain, selfish, shallow, intellectually feeble, morally lifeless, vacuous, bland, trite, unimaginative, and uninspiring. They’re self-absorbed “victims” who look outside of themselves and away from their phone screens only when searching for someone to blame. Blame for what? Anything that doesn’t go their way.

Yes, THE PLANET knows all about over-generalizations. We also know that in the case of these entitled airheads, every one of whom has received a medal and a trophy just for entering the human race, over-generalizations are impossible. They are the one case where there are no exceptions. With that, THE PLANET presents our guest column for The Weekend Edition. Enjoy.

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By Finley Morrison

rantventrant.wordpress.com

Special to Planet Valenti News and Commentary

I was first introduced to the suckiness of Millennials in my job a couple years ago. We had a coworker who would do decent work but every time someone offered suggestions, she would reject them and when our manager criticized her, she broke down and cried.

Selfie Selfish

Now, the suckiness of Millennials is on display every day in the news. There isn’t a spot on the New York Times calendar that isn’t littered with headlines of some poor little Millennial bitch (male or female) who got their precious little feelings hurt. Now we need “safe places” in PUBLIC UNIVERSITIES where over-protected ass-hats can feel just as special as their false-loving mama did? They’re such gentle flowers that they think that the First Amendment—you know the one that protects the freedom of speech against motherfucking tyrants?—isn’t applicable anymore. According to these big babies, people don’t have the right to say something if it offends them. The fuck? This is PC culture on methamphetamines. These weak-ass mental pussies make Baby Boomers look good and that’s saying a lot.

The university used to be a place to challenge one’s views and learn about the world. Now it seems that it’s a big playpen for oversized toddlers with big-girl panties and skinny jeans. Dickheads that think it’s worse to offend someone than to shoot them. No wonder more people are doing the latter.

THEIR INFINITE GENDER IDENTIFICATIONS

Millennials are the first generation to blatantly ignore the obvious biological differences between male and female and claim that your psychological interpretation or identification means more than reality. There’s a reason this shit was in the DSM—it’s a PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER to think you’re another sex. Bruce Jenner isn’t a Millennial, granted, but no doubt all of his idiotic supporters are.

Ask a college student what gender they are and if he or she isn’t so offended they cry and run away, they may give you any number of fucked up answers. “I’m queer.” “I’m bisexual.” “Oh I identify as trans-jerry-ass-amphibian-fucker.” What a bunch of assholes.

You want to offend a college kid? Tell them that there is a difference between men and women. That’ll put them into a faggy-ass rage like you’ve never seen!

Basically, everyone but the rarest of exceptions has a XX or XY sex chromosome. That single designation from the two possibilities makes one a male or female. Males have penises and women have vaginas and can become pregnant. This basic physiological difference (and many others based on the chromosomal differences) are ignored by these mindless androgynous automaton Millennials. All these gender classifications are a figment of your disturbed psychology. Pick up a biology book you assholes!

THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE ABOUT ECONOMICS

Imagine the most economically-illiterate human being on Earth. Now put them in charge of teaching economics to a bunch of these everyone-gets-a-star Millennial dickheads. That’s where they’ve learned economics. “We demand free birth control!” “Free university education!” “Free health care!” Do all these Marxist monkeys expect to work for free when they get done consuming all their free stuff? Of course not because that would be unfair! Fuck you suck-head.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are a lot of reasons why Millennials suck and I don’t have the time to document them. Here’s some more commentary: Generation Cry Baby

Millennials the Most Useless population – of course they think they’re God’s gift to the world and that’s a problem.

You can’t criticize them, so they feel, because they can’t handle honest feedback about their lives. As one writer put it of these “crybaby kids … millennials are a bunch of whiny, spoiled brats.” No one dares “to come close to criticizing them about anything because they’re emotional terrosists toddlers in really expensive, distressed clothing.”

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THE PLANET hopes you enjoyed Finley Morrison’s piece as much as we did. It’s an excellent example of “tone” in a piece of writing. With that, we bid you adieu.  Have a great weekend, everybody.

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“Every rock has an inherent logic to it. It reveals itself when you look at a fake rock.” — Stanley Kubrick

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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