BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY JULY 17, 2019) — Let’s see. There’s Spud Chandler, former flinger for the New York Yankees; Albert “Happy” Chandler, former commissioner of baseball; Gene Chandler, the Duke of Earl; Don Chandler, punter extraordinaire for the New York Football Giants; and Raymond Chandler, writer of compelling mysteries. Who are we forgetting? Wait, it’ll come to THE PLANET in a moment.

Yes! Harry Chandler Jr., long distance runner and escape artist.

As you know by now, Chandler fled from Berkshire County Sheriff’s Department custody a week ago and went on the lam for four days before near three dozen law-enforcement stormtroopers caught up with him for tea in a house on Robbins Avenue. Fought, wrought, sought, fraught, distraught, and caught, all for naught. Or as Curt Gowdy would say, one run, 10 hits, one big error, and no one left. Final score, the Fighting Chandlers 1, the Whitewalled Stormtroopers 0.

It only took half an army, a world’s fair, and a rodeo for the local gendarmes to find one shirtless, shoeless man wearing nothing but orange jail pants. From that description, Chandler could have hid out at Lach’s Lounge on Fenn Street and NEVER have been recaptured or taken up a bench at Persip Park near the Intermodal. Who would have noticed him?

The agencies involved in the chase, hunt, and capture included the Pittsfield Police, Massachusetts State Police, Dalton, Lanesborough, Lee and Lenox Police, the Western Massachusetts Gang Task Force, the U.S. Marshal’s Office, the New York State Police, Connecticut State Police, Millerton, and Colonie, N.Y. Police, the FBI, Massachusetts State Parole, the Hampden County Sheriff’s Office, the Berkshire County Sheriff’s Office, the Pittsfield Pickleball Association, the Little Sisters of the Poor, and the Committee for the Re-Election of Peter Arlos. Bowler described the response and search as a collaborative effort. Yeah, we bet it was.

Bowler, to his credit, apologized to the community for the fiasco. It occurred at Berkshire Medical Center, as Chandler was being released after treatment for a hand infection. He got past deputy Tod O’Neil and made like O.J. Simpson in that old Hertz commercial. Chandler holds a black belt in judo. O’Neil, we hear, has a plaid belt in woodworking. Not a fair fight. Next thing you know, Chandler flummoxed the entire population of the Berkshire County criminal justice system. With ability like that, we hope Chandler runs for Pittsfield police chief after Mike Wynn cashes in on his six-figure pension. Question is, how will Mike know he’s on vacation?

Bowler said the department’s priority would be to see that Chandler gets the physical and mental help he needs. THE PLANET won’t comment on his mental health, although Chandler had presence enough to get a haircut from Floyd the barber to change his appearance. As for the physical, as O’Neil’s face can testify, Chandler’s getting along just Larry Fine.

We also might respectfully suggest to the sheriff that the department’s priorities might be to change the way they transport prisoners. That might prevent his F Troops from being a regional laughingstock. And BMC, perhaps it should call Carmen in to “consult” on security. 25 grand. Pediatrics ward, naturally. Rumor has it that Bowler has instituted a number of changes in department protocol, the most important of which would be no more use of Deputy Dawg cartoons in staff training.

One final question: Does O’Neil still have a job? He’d be great as a bouncer at Lach’s. Better yet, why doesn’t he run for sheriff?

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“Clothes make the man. Naked people exercise little or no influence on society” — Mark Twain via Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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