BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY JULY 18, 2018) — Making sense of the stillborn race for District Attorney is rather like explaining Russia: No matter what you say about it is true. Even if it’s false, it will somehow be true. THE PLANET calls the race “stillborn” because it involves one party only: Democrats. That should come as no surprise in a county and Commonwealth that runs on a single-party system. … you know, like the Soviet Union circa Cold War.  In Massachusetts, you’re a Democrat or you’re nobody. And give me no Charlie Baker, that de facto Dem. He typically would be the exception that proves the rule, but he’s a stooge of a rule that allows no exceptions, even for — ahem — alleged “Republicans.”

The three contestants line up this way. There’s the heavy favorite, current DA by coronation Paul Caccaviello; yet-again Andrea Harrington; and Judith Knight.

Caccaviello’s claim on the job will be his years in the county DA’s office, that long line of royalty that goes unbroken before Tony Ruberto, then Gerry Downing, David Capeless, and now, after Capeless mysteriously bailed out of his term 10 months early, his hand-picked successor, Caccaviello. Cacc made the most noise in the dead-to-date campaign with Wifegate, a tawdry affair in which his wife and Capeless’s got into a spitting match with the owner of Otto’s Grease Joint at East and Wendell Avenue Extension after the latter posted nasty things about “her man” on his Fakebook page. Just for laughs, Alan Harris, owner of Berkshire Money Management and his sponsoree, John Krol of The John Krol Show, joined the fun.

Can you tell we’re in Pittsfield, yet?

Wifegate, a moniker put on the profumo affair by our good friend Mike Ward, is likely the closest thing that this campaign will see to a debate of “the issues.” And wait until the September primary. Turnout will be so low that it will be looking up at the earthworms in Pittsfield Cemetery.

Yet Again Harrington shows up for office as frequently as Donna Todd Rivers flips her flop and sells out to the highest bidder. Harrington’s previous run came against Sen. Adam Chrome Dome, D-Nowhere. Her platform consisted of the hope that another senator named Andrea would be took much for voters to resist. She had no chance, alack, since she found herself up against The Machine, the same one she faces in this race. The Machine has shown a few cracks, a symptom of which had to be Capeless’s premature exit, leading sleuths to wonder in unison, “Hmmmm.” Add to that the general discontent with incumbents, and anything’s possible.

THE PLANET will not make any endorsements in this race, but we will tell you to stay well away from any candidate who talks about her “holistic” view of the law. That’s Harrington’s great vision for the top criminal justice official in Berkshire County. Holistic. That’s code for: We will be weak on crime. These poor people need our understanding, a boost up, methadone, and public handouts. They’re not criminals. They’re victims of white, male, middle-class imperialism.

In an earlier interview with our friend and colleague Terry Cowgill of The Edge, Yet Again claimed she had “a 7,000-foot view of the criminal justice system.” She forgot to mention that she has no experience whatsoever as a prosecutor, leading THE PLANET to think that “7,000-foot view” came after being thrown out of a Cessna without a parachute. With every second, the ground comes closer, and along the way between now and the September primary, Yet Again will be heard shouting, “So far, so good.” We can’t say if she’ll finish second or third (our money is on Place), but we do know what her final campaign utterance will be: “Splat!!”

This brings us to attorney Judith Knight. This woman at least brings experience to the table in the form of her service as assistant district attorney of Middlesex County. That’s Boston way, so she knows her way around the big city. Knight’s chief problem will be visibility. She’s only known through her lawn signs, and not only do lawn signs not vote, they do not create news. Incidentally, “lawn signs do not vote” must pass as political wisdom. This is, in case you forgot, “The Berkshires.” God help us. We must also observe that Knight and Yet Again split the anti-incumbent vote. Game. Set. Match.

With all that, THE PLANET can map out the winning strategy for each candidate:

Caccaviello: Avoid debates, keep a low profile, put a gag in the wives’ mouths, and above all, “energize the base,” which is to say, don’t do anything to make The Machine mad. Heavy favorite.

Harrington: Make a lot of noise. Challenge Cacc at every turn. Call him out. Put all you’ve got in Pittsfield. Forget the rest of the county. The county seat alone will decide this race. Take Pittsfield and you become the next DA. She’s got a decent start on outer West Street and Valentine Road with a cancerous multiplication of lawn signs. Now she must follow that up by somehow getting Caccaviello in sight from hiding. Long shot.

Same with Knight. Get visible. Somehow gets voters interested. Match your experience with Cacc’s. Make some news. Longer shot.

There might be one other tactic that would greatly improve the odds for either woman: It goes by the code name “Operation Bernie Baron.” Ah, but we guess not one of them would dare dare dare touch that third rail. It would only be the biggest local story of the past and current century.

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You can’t take from your mind what you don’t have in it” — Sir Tiberius Fruitjuice.

OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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