BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY NOV. 4, 2020) — THE PLANET doesn’t know who won it.

CNN doesn’t know who won it.

Fox News doesn’t know who won it.

The New York Times doesn’t know who won it.

USA Today doesn’t know who won it.

The Washington Post doesn’t know who won it.

The Boston Globe doesn’t know who won it.

The Berkshire Eagle doesn’t know who won it.

The Wall Street Journal doesn’t know who won it.

Town Hall doesn’t know who won it.

Brietbart doesn’t know who won it.

CBS doesn’t know who won it.

NBC doesn’t know who won it.

ABC doesn’t know who won it.

PBS doesn’t know who won it.

EWTN doesn’t know who won it.

MeTV doesn’t know who won it.

Spectrum doesn’t know who won it.

Drudge doesn’t know who won it.

Donald Trump doesn’t know who won it.

Joe Biden doesn’t know who won it.

Mitch McConnell doesn’t know who won it.

Nancy Pelosi doesn’t know who won it.

Lindsay Graham doesn’t know who won it.

Chuck Schumer doesn’t know who won it.

Clint Eastwood doesn’t know who won it.

Lady Gaga doesn’t know who won it.

Lord Goo Goo doesn’t know who won it.

Lil’ Wayne doesn’t know who won it.

Queen Latifah doesn’t know who won it.

Linda Tyer doesn’t know who won it.

Mellissa Mazzeo doesn’t know who won it.

Jimmy Ruberto doesn’t know who won it.

Sherwood Guernsey doesn’t know who won it.

Barry Clairmont doesn’t know who won it.

Tony Mazzeo doesn’t know who won it.

Andrea Harrington doesn’t know who won it.

Yuki Cohen doesn’t know who won it.

Chris Connell doesn’t know who won it.

John Krol doesn’t know who won it.

Larry Parnass doesn’t know who won it.

Heather Bellow doesn’t know who won it.

Fred Rutberg doesn’t know who won it.

Jim McElroy doesn’t know who won it.

Kaz Chwalek doesn’t know who won it.

Chris Alar doesn’t know who won it.

Michael Gaitley doesn’t know who won it.

Felix Carroll doesn’t know who won it.

Dave Came doesn’t know who won it.

Dave Bubriski doesn’t know who won it.

Terry Kinnas doesn’t know who won it.

Ken Ramsdell doesn’t know who won it.

Anthony Lagroterria doesn’t know who won it.

Chuck Trzcinka doesn’t know who won it.

Jerry Packard doesn’t know who won it.

Howard Herman doesn’t know who won it.

Ben Garver doesn’t know who won it.

Scott Stafford doesn’t know who won it.

Len Bean doesn’t know who won it.

“Bullet” Bob Shade doesn’t know who won it.

Chip Hodgkins doesn’t know who won it.

Nate Zuckerman doesn’t know who won it.

Steven Valenti doesn’t know who won it.

Michael Valenti doesn’t know who won it.

John Clifford Foster Jr. doesn’t know who won it.

Joe Grande doesn’t know who won it.

Paul Kocak doesn’t know who won it.

Mark Murphy doesn’t know who won it.

Dan Valenti does… uh, no comment. He might know something.

Lisa Valenti doesn’t know who won it.

Junebug Clark doesn’t know who won it.

Rick and Norm at Stohr Jewelers doesn’t know who won it.

No one at Dotties knows who won it. Or at Methuselah’s. Or at the Crowne Plaza, Costanzo’s, Angelina’s, Palmer’s Variety, Museum Facsimiles, Kelly’s Package Store, Carr Hardware, George’s Package Store, Michael’s Restaurant, Purple Plume, the Highland, Pittsfield Rye, the Red Lion Inn, Barrington Stage, Berkshire Theater Festival, Bartlett’s Orchard, Guidos, Haddad Motors, Williams & Kingsley Auto Repair (best in town, by the bye!), Blue Q Design, Annie Selke, Mad Max, Abbey Cutters, The Clip Shop, The Hair Studio, Joseph’s on the Mall, Berkshire Graphics, Crazy Chameleon, Sim’s Barbershop, Wahconah Country Club, Pittsfield Country Club, Hollywood Nails, Blantype, Cranwell, the American Legion, the Women’s Club of Pittsfield, the Dalton Restaurant, J&J Locks, West Side Clock Shop, Ordinary Cycles, Cim’s, Pittsfield Furniture, Hotel on North, General Dynamics, or Papa Joe’s. They don’t know either.

———- 000 ———-

So, THE PLANET asks, who in blazes does know?

Gerry Doyle, Remo DelGallo, Peter Arlos, Mary Flynn, Ed Reilly, O.B. Joyful, Robert Capeless, Robert Dillon, Anne Wojtkowski, P.J. Moore, Moses England, Ray Haughey, Paul Dowd, Camillo Santini, Tony Ruberto, and Peter Marchetti.

Correction: Peter Marchetti is not dead. He doesn’t know.

Who knows?

John Lennon, Keith Moon, Ludwig von Beethoven, J.S. Bach, Wolfgang Mozart, Richard Wagner, Johann Strauss, Richard Strauss, George Harrison, Brian Jones, Davy Jones, Nat Cole, Louis Armstrong, John Philip Sousa, Ricky Nelson, John Coltrane, Dave Brubeck, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Jimi Hendrix.

Who knows?

Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, William Henry Pratt, Colin Clive, Dwight Frye, David Manners, James Whale, Ernest Thesiger, Peter Lorre, Charles Laughton, Elsa Lancaster, Henry Daniell, Robert Wise, Julie Harris, Richard Johnson, Bela Lugosi, Peter Cushing, Forrest J. Ackerman, Lon Chaney, and Lon Chaney Jr.

Who else knows?

Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas, Sterling Haywood, Vince Edwards, Marlon Brando, James Dean, Elizabeth Taylor, Jimmy Stewart, Olivia de Haviland, Bette Davis, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Jack Lemon, Shirley Booth, Rita Hayworth, Orson Welles, Oscar Lavant, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Sterling Holloway, Charles Lane, Sean Connery, George Reeves, John Hamilton, Edgar Buchanan, John Wayne, John Ford, John Forsythe, Gabby Hayes, Roy Rogers, Henry Youngman, Ken Coleman, Robert Young, Loretta Young, William Castle, and John Payne, Barbara Stanwyck, Barbra Streisand, Amelia Earhart, Moe Howard, Shemp Howard, Larry Fine, Curley Howard, Joe Besser, Joe DeRita, Bub Abbott, Lou Costello, Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy, Mary Tyler Moore, Bennet Cerf, John Charles Daily, Hugh Downs, and Paul Newman. They all know.

Herman Melville, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, William Cullen Bryant, Henry James, Edith Wharton, Saul Bellow, John Masefield, Edward Estlin Cummings, Walt Whitman, Alfred Tennyson, Gerard Manley Hopkins, Matthew Arnold, Robert Browning, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Amy Dickenson, Thomas Hardy, Charles Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Ambrose Bierce, Eddie Poe, H.L. Mencken, Theodore Dreiser, Gore Vidal, Norman Mailer, Truman Capote, Dorothy Parker, or Sherwood Anderson know.

So does the Man in the Moon, plus the Dish, the Spoon, Pinocchio, Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, Tinkerbell, Captain Hook, Gunther Toody, Frances Muldoon, Sgt. Ernie Bilco, Jed Clampett, Granny Clampett, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Mother Goose, Father Time, Adam, Eve, Little Miss Muffet, Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, Pixie and Dixie, Jinx, Huckleberry Hound, Quick Draw McGraw, Yogi Bear, Homer Simpson, Little Red Riding Hood, Sam the Sham, the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, Andromeda, Odin, the Great JuJu that lives at the bottom of the lake, and Peter Cottontail.

Many more people know who don’t know … Rollie Allen, Gary Van Dusen, Lou Rappaport, Ollie Shermetta, Dan Carey, Steve McKeel, Ramona Baxter Bowden, J. Leonard Gorman, Joey Paoli,  Mike Baccoli, Mary Contenta Baccoli, Esther Contenta, Joe Contenta, “Merc” Contenta, Brian Sullivan, Sr. Rosa, Derek Gentile, Lois Vosburgh, Arnie Burdick, Sam Newhouse, Linda Mary Rigoletti, Uncle Nino, Uncle Freddy, Uncle Henry, Gelindo Dasatti, Fabian Eccher, Nonna, Nonoo, John Cavanaugh, Aunt Millie, Aunt Dolores, Aunt Purina, Richard Mottarella, so many more, they all know …

… but they’re not telling.

This is a story with legs, as we say in the business. Stay tuned. Wednesday. Thursday. The claims. The courts. The fissure widens. Do we dare look into the chasm? Bridge builders, the call goes out. S.O.S. And the band played “Waltzing Matilda … Send in the Clowns. Ain’t that a Shame. Nowhere Man. I’m Looking Through You. The Shadow. Modern Man, Don’t Ever Feel Sad and I Know Everyone.

And then the once unsinkable ship hit the iceberg and sank.

————————————————————————————————————–

“The only person who can have his cake and eat it too is the one who has mastered bilocation” — Donald Turpentine.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

The views and opinions expressed in the comment section or in the text other than those of PLANET VALENTI are not necessarily endorsed by the operators of this website. PLANET VALENTI assumes no responsibility for such views and opinions, and it reserves the right to remove or edit any comment, including but not limited to those that violate the website’s Rules of Conduct and its editorial policies. PLANET VALENTI shall not be held responsible for the consequences that may result from any posted comment or outside opinion or commentary as provided in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act and this website’s terms of service. All users of this website — including readers, commentators, contributors, or anyone else making use of its information, hereby agree to these conditions by virtue of this notice. When PLANET VALENTI ends with the words “The Usual Disclaimer,” that phrase shall be understood to refer to the full text of this disclaimer. Copyright (c) 2020 by Dan Valenti.