By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI News and Commentary

BULLETIN! THE PLANET received word last night that “a second grader from Williams in Pittsfield died this morning.” Our source “had it on good authority” but “didn’t have any details.” We hope this spurs other media to investigate further. 

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(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014) — Don’t buy for one second the story of Mary McGuines’ resignation as Pittsfield’s director of administrative services as told by The Boring Broadsheet. McGuinnes resigned her city post, effective in May. That’s a fact.

The fiction appears in the sanitized, “everything’s comin’ up roses” tone typical of the paper, which continues to treat official city hall press releases as stone tablets from Mt. Sinai.

Here’s the scoop: The mayor forced McGuines’ resignation, city hall sources say, so he could bring in more of a toady and less a diligent director of administrative services. Some people are too honest for politics. Sources say McGuinnes made the mistake of giving the mayor straightforward input once too often, apparently including criticism of what she viewed as his racist treatment of blacks and his failure to treat their concerns proper respect or seriousness.

THE PLANET requested comment from McGuinnes and the mayor on this serious claim. As of press time, we had not heard from either.

To compound the venal nature of this political execution, sources say the mayor has already hand-picked McGuinnes’ successor.

————————————————————————————————————–SPOILER ALERT! We shall soon reveal the name of the person the mayor has already decided upon to succeed MM. Don’t tell anyone you know about it, because this was supposed to be an Almighty Secret. The mayor doesn’t want you to know, because (a) it may violate some  laws pertaining to the hiring of people for public positions, and (b) he wants people to believe his Eddie Haskell impersonation, that he cares about fairness and good government. That’s why you’re not supposed to know anything about the fact that the mayor has chosen a person with the initials of Julie Sabourin to be his new aide. ——————————————————————————————————————————

As one put it, “The Fix is in.” Sources say the city will go through the usual charade of posting the position, pretend to conduct the “nationwide search,” and interview prospective candidates. None of it, they say, will be legitimate, because the mayor has already decided on McGuines’ successor.

A highly placed source spills it: “They decided who is getting the job a few weeks ago. It’s a teacher from Reid Middle School named Julie Sabourin.  She has been going around telling everyone she has the job. … I wonder how the NAACP would feel about this? Another political hire decided well before the job posting and not to a person of color.”

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As you can see, kissing March goodbye marches THE PLANET once more into the gooey tar pits of the corner office in Pittsfield, Mass. That’s where the mayor is supposed to run the city. An Empty Suit, however, currently occupies that office at Allen and Fenn, a forsaken intersection where where expediency murdered hope shortly after Election Day, November 2011.

Not counting ribbons cut and certificates awarded, The Empty Suit doesn’t do much at the corner office. Is it because of the time eaten up at its real job as “Manager, Natural Gas, Electricity, Fuel Oil” for Global Montello Group, Suite 301, Pittsfield?

Incidentally, on its official webpage at cityofpittsfield.org, The Empty Suit s lists the following as “2012 Accomplishments”:

— 191 board appointments

— 195 appointments to see the mayor from the business community

— 237 appointments with city employees

— 391 invitations received (ED. NOTE: THE PLANET is not making any of this up.)

— 259 invitations accepted (scouts, ribbon cuttings, dedications, graduations)

— 23 school events (classroom visits, DARE graduations, reading in classrooms)

— 47 certificates presented

— 41 meetings with individual city councilors

— 24 PEDA board meetings

— 56 staff meetings with department heads

— 39 visits with state and regional officials.

The site also lists 12 editions of the TV show The Empty Suit Reports. Our hero took on such controversial and urgent topics as The Pittsfield Babe Ruth All Stars (two shows), Kids 4 Harmony, the Pittsfield Promise, and Downtown Pittsfield Inc.

What vision!

Notice there’s not one meeting listed with Mary Jane and  Joe Kapanski … not one indication of trying to reduce city expenses or increase revenues in any way other than relentless tax increases … not one believable sign of doing the work of We The People.

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Whatever money The Empty Suit rakes in at Global probably makes the $86,000-plus-bennies it takes in as mayor mere “walking around” money. No one except Mrs. Empty Suit can be sure, since the Mister has never answered exactly how much he toils for Global in any given week. Is it zero hours? 10? 20? 30? 40? “Manager, Natural Gas, Electricity, Fuel Oil.” That what The Empty Suit’s Global business card says. It must be an important position. Empty Suits typically don’t warrant business cards.

Perhaps the most accurate summary of the substance of The Empty Suit come from writer Gertrude Stein,who famously wrote, “There is no ‘there’ there.”

From Peddling Horses–t to Mixing Dough

Now back to the dearly departed.

Mary McGuinnes served The Empty Suit and the city as director of administrative services. She followed Donna Mattoon, who got so fed up with her work that she actually went back to The Dreaded Private Sector. Smart move by a sharp woman.

McGuinnes, too, had the smarts to leave. She shall resume her position as a nurse and continue  running Mary’s Carrot Cake shop. Mixing dough beats slopping horse manure.

Back to Julie Sabourin. Does the name ring a chime? Here’s a clue: Scopes Monkey Trial, the trumped up bureaucratic lynching against school committee member Terry Kinnas orchestrated by The Empty Suit. The trial took place after Kinnas had filed an open meeting complaint against a subcommittee at Reid Middle School. The committee took objection. Kinnas had the last laugh, though, when the state attorney general validated his complaint, ruling that the  Reid group broke the law. Sabourin was chairwoman of the Reid Middle School Council Community Outreach Committee (RMSCCOC). In effect, the AG’s ruling was also a judgment on the inappropriateness of the Scopes Monkey Trial, which used Sabourin’s testimony as a pretext to nail Kinnas.

It appears that “The Fix” is Sabourin’s reward for being a good little soldier.

The Empty Suit has become moth-eaten on the coat. McGuinness’ ouster and Sabourin’s ascendancy if it comes to pass or has already will leave a wet, sulfuric-yellow stain on the trouser front, either side of the zipper.

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“He went like one that had been stunned, / And is of sense forlorn: / A sadder and wiser man, / He rose the morrow morn.” — Samuel Taylor Coleridge, final verse, “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” (1798).

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.