By DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2015) — Let’s see. If THE PLANET had sympathies for the Islamic State, and if we wanted to begin a terrorist cell, there are two things we wouldn’t do:

• We wouldn’t take our ordinary sounding American name and change it to Ali Al Amriki.
• We wouldn’t camp in Adams, Mass., where a night on the town takes under three minutes.

The discovery of an alleged terrorist — a 20-something of the Beavis and Butthead class — in quaint Adams brings the joy of 21st century living closer to home. Pittsfield has its drugs, violence, gangs, and murders as part its downtown Renaissance. Adams, apparently, has terrorism’s F-Trooer — from all indications not an A-lister but a wannabe. Allegedly.

Later, we’ll list the long, grey mile of local, state, and federal agencies it took to pounce on this walking pressure cooker to make him look like the Second Coming of Osama Bada Bin(g), but just remember this: A kiss is just a kiss, and the countless trillions we’ve spent fighting “terrorism” must be justified anyway it can.

Even in Adams.

After the arrest, the blow-dried TV eye-candy came to interview town residents, many of whom looked like rejects from the long-running hit from North Street in Pittsfield, Zombies R Us. These morons gushed “thanks for keeping us ‘safe'” to Law Enforcement for the over-the-top, uber-militarized operation.

Fact Check: Despite the 13 agencies involved, they caught the kid only because his father, a captain in the Boston Police Department, dropped a dime on his own spawn. Not even the feds, staties, and locals could botch that one.

A Discriminating Sort

Figures. If Pittsfield or Adams gets a terrorist, this is what you’d expect. Not a big leaguer or even Single A. This guy couldn’t even make the Pittsfield Suns. According to reports, the suspect, Alexander Ciccolo appears to be not a “has been.” More like a “never was.” He apparently is a discriminating sort, though. He bought his pressure cooker from the North Adams Walmart.

How serious a threat was this man? Consider the alleged “facts” as officials have released them:

• He becomes obsessed with Islam then goes on Facebook, blabbing about his desire to become a martyr for the cause. Like Big Brother isn’t monitoring every keystroke.
• In October 2014, he posts photos of himself “in training,” “strengthening myself.”
• A few days later, he visits a FB page depicting a dead U.S. soldier and posts, “Now we don’t have to deal with these kafir back in America.” Kafir is a person who doesn’t like Starbucks coffee.
• He’s so bright he falls for it when the FBI arranges for a plant to meet him on June 24 in — ta da! — Pittsfield! You knew Pittsfield had to be involved. No word on where the meeting took place, although it did not take place between The Christian Center and Price Memorial A.M.E. Zion Church. Too dangerous.
• During the meeting, the FBI plant (a geranium?) asks the suspect to speak into a salt shaker. This  doesn’t arouse suspicion. Officials say Ciccolo offers up a word salad of travel plans and dreamy attacks on students, cops, and soldiers. On tape, he tells of wanting to “attack two bars.” Lach’s Lounge, The Crossroads, Cim’s, East Side Cafe, The Madison, Home Plate, or Remo’s are not mentioned. We think.
• During the meeting, Ciccolo allegedly produces a list of guns and weapons he wants: Ak-47s, sniper rifles, squirt guns, and blasting gelatin. The FBI stooge directs him to  Linden and Dewey for the guns and Harry’s Supermarket for the orange Jell-O, to be specific. No whipped cream.
• At the Pittsfield meeting, the suspect reportedly draws a map of the “states” he wants to attack. He draws a map of Pittsfield, Florida (Mass.), and Otis. The suspect wasn’t too good with geography. (ED NOTE: We’ve just been told the public schools don’t teach geography to its young scholars).
• There are two more Pittsfield meetings. The suspect allegedly boasts about the bombs he will make. He comes off like the kid in the locker room boasting of his bedroom conquests. You know the type. Instead of carrying picture of his girlfriend in the wallet, he carries a picture of his right hand.
• On July 3, authorities allege, Ciccolo buys a pressure cooker. At Walmart (because it’s not a Target, get it?) The suspect becomes lost in Walmart. Asks the yellow smiley faces for the way out. Allegedly.
• He sees a “CAUTION! WET FLOOR!” sign. He thinks it is in the declarative voice, with the subject “you” understood and “wet” the verb. He takes a leak on the tile.

Yes, this is the “mastermind” who baffled security officials. It took the Western Massachusetts Joint Terrorism Task Force plus …

— the Federal Bureau of Investigation;

— Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives;

— Springfield Police Department;

— Ludlow Police Department;

— Holyoke Police Department;

— West Springfield Police Department;

— Easthampton Police Department;

— Pittsfield Police Department (is the acting chief back from his vacation yet?);

— Massachusetts State Police;

— Homeland Security Investigations,

— Adams Police Department,

— and Massachusetts State Regional Hazardous Materials Response Team.

That’s a lot of Barney Fife getting to ride with Andy to Mt. Pilot.

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Adams Town Administrator Tony Mazzucco said, “We’re grateful we have law enforcement at all levels — federal and local police — that work to keep us safe everyday.”

Yes, he actually said that.

Forgive THE PLANET, but we have to go now — to Walmart, to buy a pressure cooker.

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“I come, I come! Prepare your roseate bow’rs, / Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow’rs.” — Alexander Pope, Elosia to Abelard, lines 317-8, (1700).

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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