BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY JULY 13, 2026) — Here’s the deal (with shaved cards from a wooden deck):

Platner Flatner: THE PLANET prefers Gramham carckers, not Graham crackpot, the dude that radical left Democrats looked to as their answer to Sen. Susan Collins. Well, if the ousted Platner was the answer, they’re asking the wrong questions. Now, the phonies who not long ago wanted to marry him discovered his leprosy. “He’s my kind of man” thus spake Sen. Lizzie Warren in May. Well, what now, Lizzie?

The Con is On: The Democratic Socialists of America have pounced on electorate apathy. They leverage low turnouts in large, coastal cities to nominate and elect utterly NON-REPRESENTATIVE “representatives” — like the way Bitchfield has done in foisting fakes such as Dumpster Earl and The Two Pete’s on Mary Jane and Joe Kapanski. Those who vote for socialism reveal their ignorance of both history and economics. Socialism has flooded every time it’s been tried. It’s the old story:  Elites again conning the “activists” to subdue the people.

Audit Schmaudit: On the face of it, sounds like good news that the city’s Audit Services Finance Committee (ASFC) received  bids from two “independent” audit companies. Purpose: Microfy Bitchfield’s books. Then you look at the ASFC members. The panel features Porkchop Voltron Pete, Dumpster Earl, Amusing Amuso, Appalachian Kal, and Yuki Methuselah. “Independent?” Fat chance. Of course, the city won’t identify the two companies. They call it “transparency.”

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Mulling Mullett: “You’ll find in the end that everyone sees something different when reviewing proposals,” said Colleen Hunter-Mullett of the ASFC. She’s either speaking in tongues or in code. Translation: “The fix is in.” Alternate translation: “We don’t know what we’re doing.”

Tax Q: The case for lower taxes boils down to one simple question: Who can spend your money better you or the government?

BIC Bux: The Berkshire Innovation Center just received another multimillion influx of taxpayer dollars to place Myrias Optics within the walls of the “futuristic” architectural nightmare. Let’s see: $5 million from MA Tech Hub, $2 million from Gov. Healey’s slush fund, and $1 million from Bitchfield economic development bucks. Must be a reason why private capital wants nothing to do there.

Bang Bang: Myrias Optics works on simulations of materials in “harsh environments.” THE PLANET applauds the company’s decision to set up at the former GE site. “Harsh environments.” Myrias won’t have far to get to them, especially on Tyler Street right around the corner, where it can find “bang” for the bucks in the form of gunplay and drug dealing.

Endless: Glad to hear that President Trump has once again “ended” the war with Iraq. The latest “end” comes with his declaration that the ceasefire had “ended.” Big booms heard again in Tehran, putting the “fun” in the dead ayatollah’s funeral. With “endings” like that, who needs to begin?

Bumpy Lumpy: Doncha like the two new bumps in the West Street redo just past the Salvation Army intersection? We finally figures out why so many lumps (our fave? Holmes road, heading north just past Williams Street). It’s Ricky Rumpus paying homage to Mayor Lumpy for keeping him on the job.

Charmed: “We will kill Trump!” That’s what the hordes chanted at the burial of the penultimate ayatollah. No doubt many in the U.S., including the U.S. Congress, applaud the sentiment–the same ones who loved news that Lindsey Graham had died. Two Americans tried killing Trump during the 2020 campaign. Many here are hoping the third time will be charmed. That’s the state of e pluribus unum in 2026.

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“Do what you can, and do it well” — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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