BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEDNESDAY SEPT. 23, 2026) — THE PLANET could not exist without sources. We like to say we have contact in every city office and department. Not all of them will speak for publication, some refuse entirely, and almost no one will go on the record for fear of retaliation, and as we all know, official policy, in its sick preservation of the corrupt status quo, punishes whistle blowers. As our readers know, neither Lumpy, Voltron, or Dumpster will even speak to us, saving all their worn-out syllables for the usual BS.

That said, we do have city employees who will share information, for publication, on the condition of anonymity. Take Mercer, the Sochol Department HQ, where we heard from Red Schoolhouse. Seems there’s been much going on that mayor Lumpy, supt. Queen Latifah, and sochol committee chair Mr. Lumpy don’t want you to know about. Red laughed when we said we were “holding our breath waiting for The Boring Broadsheet to report on these matters.”

As for the sochol committee itself, to the best of our knowledge, none of the members has said a peep about what’s actually happening.

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Red outlined several issues. One of them is busing. First off, the City of Bitchfield is no longer qualified to run a bus company, he/she says, which is what school busing requires. The city fleet has been plagued by problems. These include mechanical failure, lateness, missing pickups, and new drivers not sufficiently trained, and unruly kids. When buses are late or don’t pick up the kids, it causes chaos for families, to say nothing of the classroom time students miss because they arrive late.

Red also said that finding solid, reliable drivers has become a “giant headache” for the department.

“We have routes that aren’t being filled, and overtime isn’t the answer. Ask taxpayers, because they’re on the hook for it. You also get burnout for overworked drivers, but our biggest problem comes in vetting. It’s becoming harder to find potential drivers that we would trust around our children.” In short, the pedos are becoming part of the city landscape, prolly the result of accepting all that “free” grant money.

Solution? Get out of the bus business. Farm it out.

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Our source also brought up other issues vexing the department, problems your officials wish to keep under wraps.

• Chronic absenteeism: This persistent issue has only gotten worse since COVID. Red didn’t have figures but guessed that the number to be around 40%, maybe over.
• Attendance: Different from those who are habitually missing, this problem includes student who attend sporadically. She mentioned that the department doesn’t properly track this number or the related matter of students who are chronically tardy. She says attendance figures from the administration situation are “unreliable.” THE PLANET asked what she meant. Miss S answered with a world-weary chuckle: “It means … let’s put it this way. We aren’t sharing the real numbers with the public.”
• Classroom behavior: From what our source says, this remains a persistent problem that has only gotten worse in recent years, especially in the middle schools. The recent realignment hasn’t helped and seems to have made the situation worse with the disruption it has caused.

Red’s assessment agrees with one parent with whom THE PLANET spoke. Parent said she and her husband got their child out of  Reid Middle School after the school scandal report was not released to the public. Quoting Mrs. Parent: “That was the last straw. Our daughter, who has been an exceptional student, was being passed over because teachers having their hands full of the bad students. Kids cursing teachers, ignoring instructions, bullying, and other issues. We opted out of the district, and it’s the best thing we’ve ever done.”

Parent’s child was victim to Queen Latifah’s philosophy of “inclusive budgeting.” Translated into the vernacular, it means that most of the money goes to the worst students. The best ones get ignored and left on their own.

The Bitchfield Sochol Department eats up 3/4 of the entire city budget. Despite that enormous sum, the department keeps sinking. It doesn’t bode well for the near and long-term future.

And that’s our understatement of the year.

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“Spare the Rod, spoil the Kanehl” — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE”

LOVE TO ALL.

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