HOW DOES BITCHFIELD SPELL ‘AUDIT?’ ANSWER: “T-H-E. F-I-X. I-S. I-N.”
BY DAN VALENTI
PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY
(SUMMER FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE WEEKEND EDITION JULY 17-9, 2026) — Before we get the B-52 to the primary target, THE PLANET has to mention Biddeford, Maine. The city came into the news for the latest ICE-illegal encounters, reminding us how Biddeford became a running joke here locally in 2010 for a couple arrests there in summer 2004. Hint: “Tell ’em Angelo Sent you.” Hint 2: Underage boys.
That same type of personage continues to infect city politics to this day.
Should anyone wonder why the city has become a derelict’s spa?
All of which brings us to the latest caper, the call by city “leaders” for an “independent” audit.
Stop us if you’ve heard this howler before.
———- ooo ———-
The Two Petes are in favor of an ‘independent audit.’
When THE PLANET began talking about a forensic audit of city books, Mayor Lumpy and Co. laughed it off. But then the readers of this board kept up the pressure. So did The Kapanskis. The grapevine woke up, the theme being “unhinged spending with no accountability equals corruption.”
The Suits called an emergency meeting, commanding attendance by the Two Petes, Dumpster Earl. and a couple others, one of them Ward 2’s Cam Cunningham. Seems Cam Bam has been showing signs of political independence, and when he took up the audit issue, he “needed to have his mind set right.”
The meeting didn’t take place in the back room at Del Gallo’s, which has been shuttered for years. How we miss those cement bags stacked near the back entrance! Nonetheless, the meeting took place. In secret. Illegally. Of course.
Lo and behold! Suddenly, post meeting, emerging from under the slime, the Auditing Services Evaluation Committee, instantly, like water added to Jell-O mix. And looking at the composition of ASEC, THE PLANET can confidently assert that it has about as much backbone as that finished bowl of Jell-O cooling in the fridge.
ASEC roll call, please:
- Cunningham, chair
- Voltron Pete, council VP
- Dumpster Earl, council prez
- Kathy Amusing, at large
- Appalachian Kal, former councilor
- Yuki Meth, former councilor
- Paul Procopio, retired citizen and local sports legend.
- Richard Backer, director rec Boys and Girls Club.
———- ooo ———-
DAN VALENTI books by PMB available exclusively at amazon.com.
As you can see, The Suits stacked the deck with players who won’t dare make a peep. THE PLANET loves the addition Paul and Richard, community stalwarts of parade-marshal fabric included to give a veneer of respectability to what will be another snow job. In fact, the final audit findings in eras to come will be referred to as The Blizzard of ’26.
To conduct this audit, Bitchfield received a grand total of two bids. City purchasing agent Colleen Hunter-Haircut did not say how many accounting firms were contacted. No one else did, either. It’s known as “transparency.”
Among the bids, a pitch by — wait for it! —
— Scanlan and Associates!!
Yes, the same auditing firm that since the Pleistocene Age been granting papal blessings to Bitchfield crooked books.
The other company is CliftonLarsenAllen, one word, whose motto is the appropriate “We’ll Get You There.” THE PLANET is sure they will … but they won’t get the chance. The wise guys say the fix is in for Scanlon. Mullen-Haircut hasn’t revealed the prices submitted by the two firms. Again, transparency.
Yes, you’re shocked. Shocked.
———- ooo ———-
Because this is Bitchfield, even if the ASEC makes a decision on awarding the contract, the choice can be changed afterward.
Cam Bam said, “It sounds like even if we were to make a decision, we have the option to change it … [s]o I don’t see the reason to make a decision without [knowing the price]. If we’re allowed to change our decision anyway.”
Did they get to Cam Bam? It will be interesting to see how he behaves the rest of the way.
Somewhere, Winston Churchill rests peacefully.
If all else fails, Cam, “tell ’em Angelo sent you.”
—————————————————————
“When it comes to any Bitchfield audit, the rules of math and physics are temporarily suspended” — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath.
“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”
LOVE TO ALL.
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Bitchfield’s leadership rhetoric never matches reality – this house of cards will hopefully come to a crashing demise – hopefully with the entire retreads
included.
July 17, 2026
Hello blogger Dan Valenti,
Massachusetts municipalities are legally mandated to undergo audits of their spending. State law (M.G.L. c. 44, §40) requires cities and towns to be audited, and the results must be submitted to the state’s Division of Local Services.
Municipalities hire an independent Certified Public Accountant (CPA) firm to conduct the review; it called an external audit. Once filed with the state, the audit report is considered a public record.
Federal Requirement: Municipalities that spend $750,000 or more in federal grant funds in a single fiscal year must also undergo a “Single Audit” to ensure federal rules are followed.
SARCASM:
Pittsfield’s Financial Report(s): Pittsfield (Mass.) always spends tens of millions of dollars per fiscal year MORE than its peer small cities such as Westfield and Fitchburg. Pittsfield’s Commercial Tax Rate is the 2nd highest one in Massachusetts; Holyoke is 1st. Pittsfield’s Residential Tax Rate and Fees are substantially higher than most other cities and towns. Senior Citizens and other fixed-income residents are at risk of losing their number one investment – one’s home – due to Pittsfield’s excessively high municipal spending that always increases every fiscal year.
Pittsfield’s Management Letter: Earl and the 2-Pete’s Pittsfield politics pounds, pummels, pulverizes, punishes people’s purses. The political insiders in Pittsfield all make 6-figure public salaries plus perks for life, while the fictional Kapanski family falls behind in an institutionally corrupt small city that cooks the books for the benefit of their BIG campaign donors (the vested and special interests). The common people are viewed as their ATM, doormat, and worse (a toilet to….on).
Unlike the hidden 6-figure, taxpayer-funded legal report on the school scandals, state law mandates that the filed external audit is public record. The city leaders will therefore hire a favorable external auditor who will issue a favorable report that will leave the Mayor and his administration smelling like a rose. But we all know it stinks worse than a skunk’s foul odor.
If you believe in City Hall Slush Funds, then you’ll believe that when Wings are pasted on Pigs, they can fly. If not, then you are “Nobody’s Fool”.
Jon Melle
JM, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but these are the people YOU VOTE for and support when you write gushing posts about Maura Healey and “cringe” posts about Kelly Ayotte.
They all hold the same political ideologies as you do. The difference between them and you, is they can freely spend my tax money on bull$hit (illegal aliens), unlike you.
At the end of the day, you’re all dumocRATS who hate Trump, MAGA, and our America First movement.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has branded his new military initiative the “High-T Department of War” He wants to give all male soldiers a testosterone test to see if their balls are big enough to fight for America.
Nobody needs to be testing this Markus guy though. He be the biggest, baddest ass on da blog. Just ask him. He even throws around badd ass words like “dumocrats” and I bet ya he scowls when he says it in person. Scary shit right there man.
Let’s face it. The mentally weak, aka useful idiots, are plentiful and can be easily
manipulated!!
FBI is now investigating Diddleford situation:)
1) how was the protest assembled so quickly . Before perpetrator was even removed from his weapon?
2) who arranged for signage?
3) who at DHS , gave advance notice, of raids?
4) how many trafficked children, were recovered?
5) how many trafficked kids,are victims of next senate candidate?
6) how many detainees, were working at Chinese illegal pot grows?
New twist on Demonrat propaganda Hoax, transitioning from SPLC Manufactured White Supremacy hoax.
Seeing the pattern yet?
Off Topic
Planet avoiding Trump Election interference Speech conversation?
Or diligently studying the declassified information?
Hopefully a fact based debate, will come from Trump’s efforts.
Couple of thoughts…
Why was MSLSDNOW so actively prebunking ? How much Chinese money, did they receive?
7/17/26@8:30am
Tom
·
The ICE officer who fatally shot a Colombian man in Maine this week is an Army veteran who has struggled with serious mental health issues since early childhood, according to close relatives who spoke to The Associated Press. FULL STORY
Ziggles
Lets explore ASSnoted mispresser
Disgruntled Ex’s, tend to disparage!
The First reports, are usually Incorrect( Herr Grand Platner – Autopen sharp as a tack ….) Probate court records ALLEGE – Typical Psycho using court in child custody dispute, How’s a baby recall Fathers violence?
Assnoted Press is Perpetrating another political propaganda HOAX- to build outrage in Useful Idiots and Paid Protestors
Rinse and Repeat…
Facts A P concealed;
Projectile entered through windshield- Perpetrator was attempting to kill Ice Agent. Maine Police and FBI performed LTC background check, Ex’s allegations” unfounded”- Energetic Boys are overprescribed SNRIs,
Military classifies as unprescribed , fails drug screen.
FACTS MATTER,
7/17/26@12;30p
Tom
Ziggles
Ice Officers 2nd Ex lunatic (2019 divorce), in a predictable attempt to increase child support, filed for restraining order…. She will be losing custody , as she weaponizes the child to harass the father and extort assets- liar , lawyer should be disbarred and prosecuted.
Seeing the pattern yet?
Been a victim of it myself, as has any Berkshire probate court victim!
‘The Portland Press Herald is not naming the woman who sought the recent order because she has reported experiencing domestic violence and has not responded to requests for comment. Court records indicate she is his second ex-wife and that they divorced in 2019.
Her request was denied by a Kennebec County district court judge on Thursday, after a hearing that David Brouillette reportedly attended, according to court records. The judge wrote that the woman’s allegations were “insufficient to support a finding that the plaintiff and/or minor child is or are in immediate and present danger of abuse from the defendant.”
ICYMI – AP hitjob is backfiring quickly- Doxing agents is a terrorist act,
ICE,FBI and DOJ be exploiting this to the fullest.
1st Ex is a Wildebeest, with obvious mental health issues, about as credible as Hunter Briben….
Facts Ziggles, are stubborn things….
Thanks for playing…
Tom
Thank him for his service.
I guess you shouldn’t try to run over a Struggling Veteran with your vehicle. At least he won’t do that again.
The next time you here a dumocRAT “leader” tells you that the Save America Act, requiring ID is “racist” or “misogynistic,” ask them how, considering people like Tricia Farley-Country Buffet (d-illegal aliens) was giving illegal aliens free MA DL’s.
Some states like CA, NY, and IL, were giving Commercial Driver’s Licenses (CDLs) to illegal aliens who couldn’t speak English.
This is a basic requirement to get a CDL.
Only dumocRATS intent on destroying this country, couldn’t care less that Juan Pepe-Sanchez Martinez Trujillo, from Venezuela, can’t read or understand the signs on the highways directing traffic flow.
I mean after all, Juan’s only hauling 80,000 pounds of goods at 70 MPH down the highways and roads.
So, if I may ask any dumocRAT on The Planet willing to answer my question, how exactly is the Save America Act “racist?” “Misogynistic?” Or any other “ist” they can plug in?
Not that this band at Finance will make a difference. Either way, Bitchfield is going to keep on latching on to anything they can get. You think the Secretary of State or Governor gives a shit about our wreckless spending. Procopio and Backer should just stay home.
So,even if the Committee endorses either firm, who makes the final decision? Dan hit the nail on the head. Period. Doesn’t this quasi Committee remind you of anything? Don’t you think the so called preference vote kinda reminds you of the School investigative Judges rendering?
A big fat ZERO.
Scanlon is a quality outfit. Just ask Kufflinks.
The Great Bitchfield Audit Fiasco — Now With Even Worse Committee Members In the tax‑soaked town of Bitchfield, where wallets go to cry,
The residents rose up shouting, “Audit time! No more lies!”
“Our pockets are empty, our patience is thin—
Open the books, show the truth, let the sunlight in!”But Mayor Lumpy, master of mischief and municipal spin,
Grinned wide enough to suggest the fix was already in.
He said, “Sure, we’ll audit! Transparency is key!”
Then hand‑picked a committee that made everyone flee.First came Dumpster Earl, who lives behind the mall,
Knows numbers “pretty good” but only writes them on the wall.
Then Voltron Pete, who insists he’s half machine,
And communicates exclusively in beeps no one can screen.
Finally Meth Yuki, jittery as a caffeinated squirrel,
Who once audited a sandwich and declared it “full of peril.”The townsfolk groaned, “This is a circus, not oversight!
We wanted fairness, not Lumpy’s chosen blight!”
But Lumpy just winked, “Relax, the math will be fine—
Especially the parts that benefit me by design.”So the audit commenced with chaos baked in,
As Earl took notes on cardboard, Pete rebooted again,
And Yuki declared every spreadsheet “haunted by ghosts”—
A committee so wild even Bitchfield couldn’t boast.Their final report? “Everything’s perfect! No flaws at all!
Except the residents—who should pay more, not stall.”
And Bitchfield sighed deeply, knowing the score:
The books stayed crooked, the taxes soared more.Yet whispers persist: “One day we’ll break free…
And get an audit not written by Lumpy’s decree.”Until then they endure, wallets painfully thin…
In Bitchfield, where the audit is demanded,
But the fix is always in.
Congratulations on your reelection, Sen. Susan Collins.
Last Evenings Demonrat Debate was a DEBACLE
BUT TRUMP- BUT ICE- Colins voted – Oh she voted against Trump? um ah well….
Jacksons unhealthy appetite for young Boys, seals this race
chalk up one for the good guys 🙂
Even The New York Slimes, cant spin this race….
Alaska next conquest – Dan Sullivan should use Irish politics , and start buying every voter a drink….
Tom
Who actually chose this panel for Accountant search?