BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(SUMMER FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, MONDAY AUGUST. 17) — Thoughts whilst bee keeping in Essex:

Bang Bang: On Sunday (8/16) at 6:43 pm, Bitchfield witnessed another shooting, this one at Linden Street and Francis Avenue. Early details were sketchy. The PPD tells THE PLANET that three victims were transported by BMC. No other details were available as of press time. Wonder how that plays with the theater crowd. When the steps of city hall are devoid of people, we’ll know it’s mayor Lumpy NOT holding a press conference.

RIP TJ: We were saddened to learn that baseball great Tommy John died. We spent several fulfilling months with TJ at his home and at our hotel in Tenafly, NJ while co-writing TJ: My 26 Years in Baseball (Bantam 1989, ’90). His 288 career wins are second most for any pitcher not in the Hall of Fame. THE PLANET remembers a sincere, forthright gentleman with a deadly dry wit and a photographic recall. The New York Times mentioned us in its obit on Sunday, sourcing and quoting extensively from the book. Godspeed, good fellow.

Wu Flu: Boston mayor Michelle Wu said on public radio recently that she will work to repeal Prop. 2.5. When asked if the mayor should have the power to set tax rates, she answered in the affirmative. You just know that after the November elections, the LVD troika (Lumpy, Voltron, Dumpster) will take their cue. Like true “progressives,” they think property taxes need to be upped to support their obscene spending.

The Heat Is On: Speaking of Boston, did you know that Gub. Healey has created a new office and a $90K position (plus bennies) to “man” it? The Gub has appointed pretty Katie Schlick as Heat Czar. THE PLANET kids you not. “Hot Licks” Schlick’s job will be “to protect the public and reduce the impacts of extreme heat.” No, seriously! Who says you can’t change the weather?

Beer Dome: Construction-crew destructors will take down the Wahconah Park grandstand next month. Good news is that the flood plain will remain in place. The ducks are happy. Meanwhile, the latest design for the fabled ballfield calls for a domed roof. Not the retractable kind. The predictable kind: Lumpy, Voltron, and Dumpster will use their bulging pots to cover the field. At least all that beer will have been put to good use.

Samey Same: So they’re going to put in a new grandstand and a new everything and brag that this is the same classic park that’s hosted events since 1892. That’s like the farmer who boasted of having the same ax for 60 years. “Yup,” he said. “I’ve only changed the head twice and the handle four times.” How much you want to be they’ll have trouble dismantling the “fragile” grandstand? Reminds us of when the idiots took a wrecking ball to the Palace Theater at Nothing on North. Remember? They said the theater was about to fall in on itself. Right. That’s why the wreckers couldn’t budge the building until they stopped work to bring in their heaviest wrecking ball.

Fenton Endorsements: The obsolete and archaic office of Governor’s Council has an opening. Tara Jacobs from North Adams, elected in 2022, looks to reup. She’s opposed by for prosecutor Mike Fenton. Even though Jacobs is a Berkshire resident, local bigs Tim Shugrue, DA; Pudge Bowler, sheriff; and Lisa Denault, clerk of courts, held a presser to endorse Fenton. The trio wants him on the council to try and prevent the council’s habit of freeing murderers who were sentenced to life without parole because they killed when they were youngins. For that reason, THE PLANET also endorses Fenton.

And in the End: Good news. Donald Trump’s tarpit, otherwise known as the War with Iran, ended … for the 27th time. The next day, it began again. The stop-go nature of the conflict reminds one of driving a car on any Bitchfield road.

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Of Color: Seems that state AG Andrea Campbell and disgraced former AG Rachel Rollins, who’s seeking reelection as Suffolk County DA against incumbent Kevin Hayden, spent lavishly on themselves using the taxpayers’ dime. The so-called P-cards allow office holders to go on any junket they wish, and when they do they spend, spend, spend on 5-star hotels, upscale restaurants, and first-class air travel. It’s almost as good as being Bitchfield’s “chief diversity officer,” Michael Obasohan. The council caught him in a lie, but it didn’t matter. That’s the job description. Incidentally, Campbell, Rollins, and Obasohan are Black … black for the regular population.

Ode to Maynard G. Krebs: The Berkshire Regional Transportation Authority has cancelled a bunch of routes not because they can’t get riders. They can’t get drivers. The BRTA says it’s nine drivers understaffed, about a quarter of the work force. Seems that when applicants find out they have to actually work, show up on time, report regularly, and wear a uniform they book. Being responsible is too much to ask for many of the crop of unemployed (by choice) young people. Mooching’s a lot easier and more rewarding. They don’t know it, but they’re from the Maynard G. Krebs School of Loafing. THE PLANET wonders how many will get the reference.

Your comments on these and other topics always welcome.

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“To be or not to be. That is the question. On second thought, that is the statement” — Sir Donald Turpentine, Knight of the Bath.

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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