BY DAN VALENTI

PLANET VALENTI NEWS AND COMMENTARY

(FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, WEEKEND EDITION, JAN. 22-24, 2016) — Yesterday, we beat all local media in breaking the news of Mayor Linda Tyer‘s latest appointments — Matt Kerwood as finance director, Denis Guyer as buildings and maintenance main man, and Michael Taylor as personnel chief. Today, we present a column we couldn’t squeeze in at the time of its coming, but given its prophetic nature, THE PLANET will share it now. Never let a good forecast go to waste, especially when it borders on divination.

To get into the right spirit of our soothsaying, think back to all the wasted public money that went into enterprises that should have been private ventures, with private risk capital at stake — EV Worldwide, WorkshopLive!, Patriot Resorts, Beacon Cinema, ad infinitum-ad nauseum. Do that and you will soooo get the following.

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** NEWS ITEM FROM THE BORING BROADSHEET, EARLY DECEMBER 2015 **

PITTSFIELD — Patrick J. Muraca, the founding CEO of Nuclea Biotechnologies Inc., has left the company to head another biotech firm that will soon be offered to Nuclea’s shareholders. Nuclea’s board of directors has appointed Muraca the president and CEO of NanoDX, a development stage company in Albany, N.Y.

The board has appointed biotechnology industry veteran Donald E. Pogorzelski to replace Muraca as Nuclea’s new president and CEO. Pogorzelski, a former president of Genzyme Diagnostics, and Muraca have already assumed their new roles.

A Pittsfield native, Muraca co-founded Nuclea in 2005. Although he no longer runs Nuclea, Muraca is still the company’s largest shareholder.

Muraca termed his move from Nuclea to NanoDX as a “mutual decision” between he and the board. A startup, NanoDX is a spinoff of Nuclea that is affiliated with the SUNY Polytechnic Institute in Albany.

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THE PLANET took this lame article and rewrote a more accurate version.

** NEWS ITEM FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE,

WHERE NOTHING IS TRUE, NOT EVEN THE LIES **

PITTSFIELD — The board of directors of Pukelea Bye-o Technologies Inc. has thrown its rotund CEO Tambourine P. Morocco out of, then under, the bus. The carpetbaggers sent him 36 miles west to head a crumb company backed by rags, bones, hanks, test tubes, and lots of taxpayers money. Fortunately for Pittsfield, the new company — NoNoNanette XX — is located in Albany, N.Y., a city noted for its stuffed mastodons and Sheldon Silver.

To replace the evidently replaceable Tambourine, the Pukelea board appointed Donjaun E. Pofzxskblswzxklzczski, a former president of Snakeoilzyme Diagnostics. Both Morrocco and Pofzxskblswzxklzczski have assumed their new positions, which essentially consists of wining, dining, and bribi — er, “inducing” —  area politicians and others who control public funds to provide taxpayer dollars for … well, as of press time, no one has been able to say what Pukelea has been doing for 10 years or what NoNo intends to do for the next 10.

Pukelea, for example, has offices in the city on Lakewood Avenue. The office has a lot of desks. Each desk has a chair and a computer. The only people ever seen in the office play video games. Odd, that, since Pukelea is not a video game manufacturer.

Stockholders should rest easy knowing the two “companies” are in the hands of such titans as M & P. Morocco is the kind of businessman who leaves the house in high heels and comes back in flip flops — without ever changing shoes. Pofzxskblswzxklzczski is the kinds of chap that gives Dracula diabetes. When it comes to public dollars, P & M resemble cocks scraping a dunghill for pickle seeds.

In an interesting twist, Morocco will remain Pukelea’s largest shareholder. Talk about having the cake and eating it too. And the rolls, pastries, muffins, and everything else in the refrigerator not Gorilla Glued in place.

Pukelea is said to be moving from the R&D stage to commercialization. Translated into English, this signals upcoming moves to raid the Pittsfield public treasury even more. You know the old story used by many a carpetbagger on the city: “It’s too insignificant to fail.”

In a statement, Morocco termed the moves by the Pukelea board as a “mutual decision,” meaning that he went kicking, screaming, and threatening to eat cranberries for the rest of his life. Cuz you know when they talk of “mutual decisions,” someone didn’t want someone around any longer for Some Reason. Hmmm, wonder what it could be?

Pofzxskblswzxklzczski, who turned 165 years of age this year, said, “I am not quite dead.”

Coulda fooled us.

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We now open The Comment Line. Have a great weekend everybody!

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“It’s our love that you need, / and I’ll try my best to make everything succeed.” — George Harrison, “What is Life” from the album All Things Must Pass, (1970)

“OPEN THE WINDOW, AUNT MILLIE.”

LOVE TO ALL.

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